It has been over a month since my last confession...LOL well blog. And I don't want them to be confessions but inspirations. This last four weeks...... now a confession. I have failed myself in what I know to be true.
I do like exercise, (unlike many people). I like competing, challenging myself, the energy it gives, feeling stronger, healthier and yet I lost focus on these and failed to commit these last 4 weeks. I don't seem to be one of those people who can keep a habit going after I have implemented it 30+ days. You know that saying if you want to make some changes, make those changes for at least 30 days it becomes a part of you and a habit? Not me..sadly. I have even been making changes for more than 30 -60-90 days and still it is not a habit. I don't understand why when it is something I want. Some people say exercise is like brushing your teeth every day, it is part of a healthy routine, but not yet mine.Then I tell myself I must not want it bad enough, yet I shed tears about this and read about it and every morsel I eat I think about the consequences. I must want it, but I have given in and say, "tomorrow I will do better", and tomorrow comes and maybe one small thing in the day I was able to focus and make right, but no big force field of change.
Week 1~
I am so happy that my health screening had great healthy results. I decide I can take a small break, because I need to focus on finding a job. Online job searching takes so much time, I hate it! Sign up with different sites, apply, apply, apply, no responses. I did run twice this week just to get some cardio in and relieve my mind of the stress of finding a job. I still ate somewhat healthy, but my husband brought home something amazingly deliciously wrong for me and I ate and ate and then told him...never bring this into the house again. It was Sea salted caramel swirled vanilla bean ice cream..or something along that line. Salty, creamy sweetness..man that was good! Fail week 1
Week 2~
The weather has changed, I am cold! I actually sit and want nothing more that hot drinks, honey lemon tea, green tea, hot cider. I am bundled up, reading books and shopping on line for a job. Not moving much at all. One day I do say to myself, you would get warm if you go downstairs and exercise and I did, but just one day. My meals have changed too. Now that I am cold all the time, comfort foods, sauces, melted cheese on things and bread. I am not even drinking water, well maybe one glass of water a day...now it gives me chills to drink water. Just hot tea seems to be my liquid. I think to myself, it will be ok, it has only been two weeks, you are job searching and taking care of your family, you will be ok, 2 weeks of slacking can't have been to detrimental, just get back on track, it will all be good. Yet I am afraid to weigh myself, because I have not been doing what I set out to accomplish. Fail week 2
Week 3 ~
I don't think about exercise at all this week. I think about food, because Thanksgiving is this week. I am going to Laramie for thanksgiving. I get to see my daughter and we will make thanksgiving easy and simple. We did good, probably the lightest Thanksgiving dinner ever or at least in the last 16 years, but left overs...I had pumpkin pie for breakfast each morning, yes with whipped cream and coffee with peppermint mocha creamer and sugar. I had a couple glasses of wine each night while nibbling on chex mix. It was so cold and windy there, 3 degrees with wind chill of -8 that the walks we planned on doing, we did not do. I think I have cold air induced asthma. The one day it warmed up to 30, I had a headache and stayed in while the girls walked the dogs. I did drink a lot of water while there, mainly because of the dryness and trying to stay hydrated. I figure when I get home, now that thanksgiving is complete and done I can get back on track. I get home and my husband has bought a wonderful ham. 2 dinners and a couple ham and grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch later...I am for sure going to get busy on this weight loss plan! I have slacked long enough.Time has gotten away from me, 2 weeks passing isn't too bad, but now I am up to 3 weeks and starting to think I have lost control of my plan. I have eaten poorly and not exercising at all this week. Fail week 3
Week 4 ~
Yikes, what the heck is wrong with me that I have let this much time pass without getting back to it! OMG, I have to weigh myself and see what damage I have done, I am very afraid now. This week I have focused back towards what I eat and doing pretty good, not great. I have not exercised except for some leaf raking a few days. The snow is melting and the leaves underneath are so thick they will kill the grass if I don't get on that! I am being creative and making some Christmas presents, so I am spending about 4-5 hours a day on that this week. I am still cold, but drinking water more, but still hooked on hot tea. I am limiting the sugar I add in my tea slowly again as I had increased it lately as if my tea is a treat, tastes like a honey lemon drop. As I approached my art table yesterday, being it is downstairs sharing the room I work out in I decided to just deal with it and weigh myself. I had been thinking of prolonging writing for another week to see if I could make some attempts toward my goal and weigh in later so I would not have a possible jump in the weight, but I decided to be real with myself and you all, so the weight is posted. Week 4 fail
As you see, I try to reason with myself about why I have not made time for focusing on what I thought was my main goal. Making excuses really. Apparently I let things get in the way and lose focus easily. I have had a couple friends who have lost weight in the last couple months and it shows greatly on their body as they are much thinner. I am impressed! I am inspired again. Biggest Loser is ending and although this season did not seem to inspire me as much as in the past, I still sat and cried each week and this last week the final 4 ran the marathon. That always inspires me, because 12 weeks ago they could not even walk a mile. I can't imagine running a marathon. I am focused on accomplishing a 5k and feel I can achieve that if I can stay on track. Inspiration has taken hold again. I will get back on track and push myself to be under 290 by the new year...how about that! K, now that I have stated that, I am nervous yet challenged to do so, yikes.
I know I put a fail after each week, but failure is not even trying and I am successful in the fact I am aware of what I have been doing or lack of doing. I am successful, because I am not giving up to attempt changing my life to a healthier one. I am successful, because I can admit my failures and learn and grow. I am successful, because I am changing. Today is a new day. 1 week 2 weeks 3 weeks 4, no matter how many weeks slip by there is always a new day to start a successful day, week, month, life.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Inside Scoop
I have a blog titled "It is how we measure" that I've shared my experience and thoughts of how we measure our health and the most frequently asked question is "How much weight have you lost", which of course when trying to lose weight would be the question inquiring minds would want to know. We all want to see that number decrease when losing weight, but I shared some of the other factors that improve while attempting the healthy changes; for instance endurance in cardio, balance and coordination, strength and happy endorphins. Today I have another measurement that goes along with the health campaigns to get America's obesity factors changed and get us to be a healthier country.
The numbers are about what is happening on the inside of the body and the question we have all heard over and over via TV shows like Biggest Loser or Dr. Oz and even possibly your own Dr. The question " Do you know your numbers?" This question is familiar to us all and it is not about a math class, but our health! The know your numbers campaign is referring to; Blood Pressure, LDL Cholesterol, Blood Glucose and BMI ( body mass index) and some even measure the circumference of the body where your stomach is located.
Over the last few years, because of my weight I have been terrified to have these measured. People my size have these numbers shoot through the roof! When Dr.'s see these numbers they wonder how it is we are still alive. These numbers can be very scary and knowing them, at least for me could create added stress. For awhile I have wondered how it was that I was still alive. If walking up a small flight of stairs gets you winded..it can't be good. I knew I was in serious trouble.
There have been a few times over the last few years that I have been ill and went to the 24 hr care center..avoiding a real Dr. visit and on those occasions did have my blood pressure taken. Each time it was 150+/90 - ish and back in the day when I was healthier my number was 120/70. Knowing this tidbit about my blood pressure was scary enough to encourage me to make changes.
I have avoided the Dr. for many years. One reason is that I know I am over weight, I know I have not eaten a healthy diet. I was a drive thru junk food addict hitting the drive thru several times a week. I know my numbers had to be off the charts! I know I have abused my bodies health and was afraid of walking! I was afraid of getting out of breath, building up pressure and having a heart attack! I had gotten afraid to live even a simple life out of fear of sudden death. One other reason for avoiding the Dr. is my lack of respect for the way many Dr's practice medicine. It is a what are your symptoms, here is a pill method vs. here are your symptoms lets find out why and see what changes you can make to alleviate the symptoms. Then you add all the warnings associated with pills these days and risk factors I did not want to be handed a pill. I will avoid the pills thank you very much and get busy!
I have watched and read many health related issues so I knew what I needed to do in order to change the direction of my health. I'd rather exercise and learn to eat right than take a bunch of pills/chemicals with side effects. Good nutrition and exercise will get rid of plenty of my symptoms! Watching the Biggest Loser and Dr. Oz , I have seen that by applying exercise and eating right that within 3-6 weeks people are off of the med's they were taking for blood pressure, diabetes and lowering cholesterol. They are still heavy so losing weight is not the only factor to changing these "know your number" numbers! That was encouraging, because it takes along time to drop the weight (BMI) number. They have added years to their lives with eating right and exercising and saving lots of money by getting off of the med's! This is fantastic news! This is encouraging!
Knowing this information helped me realize I can make some drastic changes in my health even when the weight loss is a slow process. I am changing the inside faster than the visual outside parts of me! Yesterday, I had to go in for a health screening for our health insurance We will get money put onto our health insurance savings card if we meet at least one of the four target goals set up by the insurance company. 1 target met = $150, 2 targets met = $300 and 3 targets met = $450 and that is the max so 3 out of the 4 will give you the maximum $'s. I was scared yet with all the changes I have made thought it might not be to bad. I have been applying these changes for a couple years and even more so in the last 3 months. The targets for the insurance were slightly different than the National Institute of Health numbers so I am going to list those two numbers along with my numbers for you. My husband works for Kroger so that will be the K, NIH for the National Inst of Health and of course my number which will be my name. Here goes, drum roll please:
Blood Pressure-NIH = 120/70 ~ K = 140/90 ~ Lisa = 129/88 ~ target 1 met =$150
Blood Glucose- NIH = 100 ~ K= 125 ~ Lisa = 106 ~ target 2 met =$300
LDL Cholesterol - NIH = 100 ~ K= 160 ~ Lisa = 127 ~ target 3 met = $450
even my other cholesterol factors were all in the healthy numbers! Since I met 3 out of 4 I did not have to get weighed and measured for the BMI, besides I know those numbers! Wii Fit Plus gives me that # when I weigh in each week. It is dropping so eventually I will get that met, but for an FYI for those of you watching your BMI numbers NIH = 25 and K insurance wanted a BMI of 29. I think my last BMI on Wii was 50.03 yikes, but you know my weight now, so that would be expected. Not afraid to go there anymore with all of you.
So there it is! The inside scoop! My work is paying off and I have reaped other rewards for my changes! The number associated with weight is still moving slowly, but the inside numbers tell me this is all worth it!
Get busy y'all and add numbers of years to your life! Make the insides as healthy as you can and in the process the number that affects how we see each other on the outside will start dropping too. That is my inside scoop!
The numbers are about what is happening on the inside of the body and the question we have all heard over and over via TV shows like Biggest Loser or Dr. Oz and even possibly your own Dr. The question " Do you know your numbers?" This question is familiar to us all and it is not about a math class, but our health! The know your numbers campaign is referring to; Blood Pressure, LDL Cholesterol, Blood Glucose and BMI ( body mass index) and some even measure the circumference of the body where your stomach is located.
Over the last few years, because of my weight I have been terrified to have these measured. People my size have these numbers shoot through the roof! When Dr.'s see these numbers they wonder how it is we are still alive. These numbers can be very scary and knowing them, at least for me could create added stress. For awhile I have wondered how it was that I was still alive. If walking up a small flight of stairs gets you winded..it can't be good. I knew I was in serious trouble.
There have been a few times over the last few years that I have been ill and went to the 24 hr care center..avoiding a real Dr. visit and on those occasions did have my blood pressure taken. Each time it was 150+/90 - ish and back in the day when I was healthier my number was 120/70. Knowing this tidbit about my blood pressure was scary enough to encourage me to make changes.
I have avoided the Dr. for many years. One reason is that I know I am over weight, I know I have not eaten a healthy diet. I was a drive thru junk food addict hitting the drive thru several times a week. I know my numbers had to be off the charts! I know I have abused my bodies health and was afraid of walking! I was afraid of getting out of breath, building up pressure and having a heart attack! I had gotten afraid to live even a simple life out of fear of sudden death. One other reason for avoiding the Dr. is my lack of respect for the way many Dr's practice medicine. It is a what are your symptoms, here is a pill method vs. here are your symptoms lets find out why and see what changes you can make to alleviate the symptoms. Then you add all the warnings associated with pills these days and risk factors I did not want to be handed a pill. I will avoid the pills thank you very much and get busy!
I have watched and read many health related issues so I knew what I needed to do in order to change the direction of my health. I'd rather exercise and learn to eat right than take a bunch of pills/chemicals with side effects. Good nutrition and exercise will get rid of plenty of my symptoms! Watching the Biggest Loser and Dr. Oz , I have seen that by applying exercise and eating right that within 3-6 weeks people are off of the med's they were taking for blood pressure, diabetes and lowering cholesterol. They are still heavy so losing weight is not the only factor to changing these "know your number" numbers! That was encouraging, because it takes along time to drop the weight (BMI) number. They have added years to their lives with eating right and exercising and saving lots of money by getting off of the med's! This is fantastic news! This is encouraging!
Knowing this information helped me realize I can make some drastic changes in my health even when the weight loss is a slow process. I am changing the inside faster than the visual outside parts of me! Yesterday, I had to go in for a health screening for our health insurance We will get money put onto our health insurance savings card if we meet at least one of the four target goals set up by the insurance company. 1 target met = $150, 2 targets met = $300 and 3 targets met = $450 and that is the max so 3 out of the 4 will give you the maximum $'s. I was scared yet with all the changes I have made thought it might not be to bad. I have been applying these changes for a couple years and even more so in the last 3 months. The targets for the insurance were slightly different than the National Institute of Health numbers so I am going to list those two numbers along with my numbers for you. My husband works for Kroger so that will be the K, NIH for the National Inst of Health and of course my number which will be my name. Here goes, drum roll please:
Blood Pressure-NIH = 120/70 ~ K = 140/90 ~ Lisa = 129/88 ~ target 1 met =$150
Blood Glucose- NIH = 100 ~ K= 125 ~ Lisa = 106 ~ target 2 met =$300
LDL Cholesterol - NIH = 100 ~ K= 160 ~ Lisa = 127 ~ target 3 met = $450
even my other cholesterol factors were all in the healthy numbers! Since I met 3 out of 4 I did not have to get weighed and measured for the BMI, besides I know those numbers! Wii Fit Plus gives me that # when I weigh in each week. It is dropping so eventually I will get that met, but for an FYI for those of you watching your BMI numbers NIH = 25 and K insurance wanted a BMI of 29. I think my last BMI on Wii was 50.03 yikes, but you know my weight now, so that would be expected. Not afraid to go there anymore with all of you.
So there it is! The inside scoop! My work is paying off and I have reaped other rewards for my changes! The number associated with weight is still moving slowly, but the inside numbers tell me this is all worth it!
Get busy y'all and add numbers of years to your life! Make the insides as healthy as you can and in the process the number that affects how we see each other on the outside will start dropping too. That is my inside scoop!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Sight, The Smell & The Taste
I have a high brain function, but it seems to be geared to the pleasure of food. I sometimes feel like a mouse in a lab experiment searching through the maze for the most appealing taste bud stimuli...what looks good, smells good and will taste good? No matter what I have in the house that is healthy I still search to see if there is something better. Better is not always best, just seems so to the tongue.
Everyone has seen and read in countless bits of advice when trying to make healthy changes, to clean your cabinets, fridge, pantry of any unhealthy choices. The unhealthy items will win the battle of decisions no matter how hard you try and say no, they call out your name, you know they are there. I have just experienced this first hand, the reasons to remove them! I have done a pretty good job of not even having them in the house and left on my own devices would remain successful. Like most people out there, I do not live alone. I have a husband who has the ability to purchase and bring home groceries. My husband is a treat-o-holic. He was raised with a mom who made numerous treats, multiple cakes and cookies in one weekend to prepare for Sunday gatherings and the week ahead. Before I met him and he was a kid I am sure she did this for the kids (6) for after school snacks and school lunches. I don't bake and it is a rare occasion when I do. Since I don't make treats instead he buys them, brings them home. He sticks them up high in the cupboard out of my reach basically, but I know they are there, I can use a kitchen utensil and knock them down. I don't find his purchasing very supportive of my efforts. I will search the cupboards to see what my options are. I can resist sometimes, but not always. If it isn't in the house I won't select it right?! He does not understand what he puts me through.
The beginning of October I decorated for fall. I love fall! It is the season that most inspires my creativity and I seem to get alot of energy from that creative thinking. Anyway, I have a few clear glass candy dish pumpkins that I tend to buy Halloween colored M&M's and candy corn every year to add to the color of the fall displays...and nibble on. It is tradition! This year I thought about buying such items, but opted out and decided I can live with them empty. If it isn't here I won't be tempted to eat, so I didn't. After a couple weeks of the candy dishes sitting empty, what does my husband do? He decides to bring home some candy corn! Ugh! I think to myself, "I can do this no big deal, besides they really don't taste that great". It will look pretty and I will leave it alone and just take the approach of how pretty it will look sitting there in the candy dish. Well, I open the bag and that wonderful delightful smell of candy corn hits my nose! The aroma is wonderful! The freshest candy corn ever! Now I have seen, I have smelled, now I want a taste! I take just a few and it is wonderful! The aroma matches the taste! As the evening progresses the smell is so delightful I keep taking a few here and there as I make dinner. In the next 24 hours I decide I can not handle just a few of these little morsels so I dump a large handful in my hand. I gobble them down and realize I am now miserable. The taste no longer matched the smell, because they still smelled amazing! As I sit miserable, I have come to the conclusion that I really, really, really like the smell of candy corn more than I like the taste You know this candy corn is a popular scent for a candle and I know now I will never buy one because it made me want to eat!
The question that comes up now is why could I not resist after all the planning of not purchasing. Then they enter the house and it becomes all I want! This is one reason why I so badly wanted to be on the biggest loser..yes they bring in temptations for challenges but it isn't part of the household. Candy corn and me= failure! I smelled and I tasted!
Then came another test. Chips. I don't buy chips. I buy wheat thins, triscuts and raw nuts like almonds and walnuts and make hot air popcorn when I have the munchies. My husband, he bought chips! I like chips that is why I don't buy them! I came home one night after working at an exciting, sold out, crazy busy ReAL soccer game with them beating Cruz Azul- Mexico! It was 10:30pm and I had not eaten since 3pm and I was hungry, wired with nervous energy, excited about the Team and all their accomplishments so far the year and on the prowl for food. On the table sits a bowl of apples and pears yet I begin to open cupboards. What is this I see up on the unreachable shelf? Doritos! I love Doritos! I close the cupboard trying to avoid them and open other food storage places in the house and I go back open the chip cupboard again and close it again. My brain is now so focused on the chips, nothing else will do. I reason with myself "you have not had these cheesy wondrous triangles in a long long time"..numerous months, maybe possibly close to a year. I get a cereal bowl down and pour me some. Yummy, yummy crunchy munchie goodness. Even though I failed this test I see one good thing in this process, I got a small bowl and portioned it out. Usually I eat straight out of the bag and have no idea how much I have eaten till I think whoa I better save some for someone else. Or ask someone to move them aways from me! I saw and I tasted and it was good and yet it was bad, very bad! Fail!
On to the very next day and I am not sure why I did not follow my same logic as the night before, but I make a turkey sandwich reached up in the cupboard and grabbed a can of pringles. I sit down at the computer to eat and facebook at the same time. Let me say eating at the computer has the same affect as eating while watching TV...you eat mindlessly and all of a sudden your snack is devoured, you have eaten the whole can of pringles! I have eaten the whole can of pringles! UgH! I tasted and tasted and tasted, I don't think I saw them or smelled them, just tasted. I am not sure why this happened as I was on the computer the night I ate the Doritos. I like Doritos way better than pringles. Why did I not chow down on the chip I like more? It was the difference of pouring some into a bowl vs. having the whole package in front of me. So why did I not use that logic? I am guessing because they are thin little crisps and I don't like them very much so I guess my thinking was I might not eat very many so no controlling measures needed. Wrong! And why do I have to have chips with a sandwich anyway? There are so many other options I have used! On this day it was because they were there I saw them and reacted to the past, chips go with sandwiches.
The other thing I have had to face is ice cream. My husband brings home ice cream alot. For the most part I can resist but it also depends on the flavor. I have had ice cream several times in the last week +. He knows what I am trying to do...lose weight and get healthier yet he still asks if I want some when he is dishing himself out a bowl. When I do give in to the temptation I ask him to serve only 5-7 bites worth so I get a very small taste. I need to stop that! He needs to stop buying these things and tempting me with them. I need to learn that, I doubt he will change so I have too somehow move past the choices and pick what will be of nutritional value for me. It is hard! I see and I taste!
To add to the poor choices this last 8 days I have not turned on my Wii even once. I have not done an actual workout. Well, I have done some things that burn calories and build muscles, but not a typical workout. I have spent a couple days for 2-4 hours on each day, trimming bushes and tree limbs, raking and bending over cleaning up the messes I have made from such chores. I have deep cleaned a couple rooms in the house and reorganized my pantry. I did get my heart rate up doing most of these activities and my body did hurt when completed so I have not been sitting still. But have been scared to death to get on the scale. At first I was going to skip it all together knowing I have had a bad almost 2 weeks. But then I thought, I need the accountability and need to be honest as this is what this blogging is about for me. It helps me see myself and helps others struggling with the same issues I am facing, so I have posted it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I am happy. Even though it still went up instead of down, I am happy because I seriously thought it was going to be really bad and make me cry. I have hope and have stayed below my 300 that took so long to hit. I can learn and get back on track!
I wish the sights, smells and taste of food wasn't so enticing, did not trigger sensors in my brain to desire what I try to resist. I also wish my husband understood what he does to me by bringing in the tempting foods into the house. Even if I could say no each and every time it still should not be there! He does not have a weight problem and even still, they are not healthy for him either.
My daughter recently bought a book for me that I just started reading this week, I am only on page 50, but it is titled " The end of overeating" by David Kessler MD. So far I am understanding some of the reasons I don't have all the control I desire out of myself and hope to learn enough to take better action. It is explaining so far how sugar, salt and fat play to our brain sensors for reward and pleasure. Sounds like me for sure! I don't get why this has to be so hard, this making wise eating choices deal! I have plenty healthy options in the house, but I still select the wrong items. (Not every time, but why even sometimes) I have more to learn, more to conquer, more to understand, more adapting to a new way of living. The sights, smells and tastes are always going to be there, I need to learn not to do so much tasting when I smell and see the things I try to avoid. Food is like a drug, it gives us a momentary satisfaction, a feel good moment. I have to remember this statement and I am not sure if I thought this on my own trying to encourage someone else or I read it first, but I have used it a couple times in conversation with people trying to lose weight vs the exercise we attempt. "Eating brings us temporary pleasure, but we fill miserable when done, exercise makes us temporarily miserable, but we feel great pleasure when we are done" I need to put this on my fridge!
I know I feel more energy and more mental clarity when I exercise yet food has a better grip on me for it''s pleasures. I am not giving up and will keep learning and applying what I learn. I know I can get to the place where this will reverse and exercise will be a joy. I have been getting close to being excited to go do a workout. I am getting there it was just an awful week with to many temptations.
Before I sign off I have this one more thing to say; if anyone in your household is trying to lose weight and you are not, it still is not very supportive of you to bring home things that would be a temptation to your friend or family member. No matter how much you enjoy those things yourself they really aren't good for you either. We all can be strong in words saying it won't be a problem, but deep down it is a problem. Our brains focus on that bad item even when we aren't even looking at it we know it is there. Don't bring it in the house! Find another way to enjoy life, a walk, be creative, listen to music anything that takes pleasure focuses away from food. The holidays are approaching and we all have traditional dishes and activities that just happen, because that is what we have always done it is called tradition. I am going to try to change things up and start a healthy new tradition. The sights, smells and tastes will be all around us, do you have a plan to avoid some of the unhealthy traditions and start something new? Do it for you and your family! Activities bring memories even more than food can! I think after these last couple weeks I am going to make a daily meal plan at the start of each day. It may help me avoid searching out what may be lurking in the cupboards. The sights, smells and tastes will not consume me!
Everyone has seen and read in countless bits of advice when trying to make healthy changes, to clean your cabinets, fridge, pantry of any unhealthy choices. The unhealthy items will win the battle of decisions no matter how hard you try and say no, they call out your name, you know they are there. I have just experienced this first hand, the reasons to remove them! I have done a pretty good job of not even having them in the house and left on my own devices would remain successful. Like most people out there, I do not live alone. I have a husband who has the ability to purchase and bring home groceries. My husband is a treat-o-holic. He was raised with a mom who made numerous treats, multiple cakes and cookies in one weekend to prepare for Sunday gatherings and the week ahead. Before I met him and he was a kid I am sure she did this for the kids (6) for after school snacks and school lunches. I don't bake and it is a rare occasion when I do. Since I don't make treats instead he buys them, brings them home. He sticks them up high in the cupboard out of my reach basically, but I know they are there, I can use a kitchen utensil and knock them down. I don't find his purchasing very supportive of my efforts. I will search the cupboards to see what my options are. I can resist sometimes, but not always. If it isn't in the house I won't select it right?! He does not understand what he puts me through.
The beginning of October I decorated for fall. I love fall! It is the season that most inspires my creativity and I seem to get alot of energy from that creative thinking. Anyway, I have a few clear glass candy dish pumpkins that I tend to buy Halloween colored M&M's and candy corn every year to add to the color of the fall displays...and nibble on. It is tradition! This year I thought about buying such items, but opted out and decided I can live with them empty. If it isn't here I won't be tempted to eat, so I didn't. After a couple weeks of the candy dishes sitting empty, what does my husband do? He decides to bring home some candy corn! Ugh! I think to myself, "I can do this no big deal, besides they really don't taste that great". It will look pretty and I will leave it alone and just take the approach of how pretty it will look sitting there in the candy dish. Well, I open the bag and that wonderful delightful smell of candy corn hits my nose! The aroma is wonderful! The freshest candy corn ever! Now I have seen, I have smelled, now I want a taste! I take just a few and it is wonderful! The aroma matches the taste! As the evening progresses the smell is so delightful I keep taking a few here and there as I make dinner. In the next 24 hours I decide I can not handle just a few of these little morsels so I dump a large handful in my hand. I gobble them down and realize I am now miserable. The taste no longer matched the smell, because they still smelled amazing! As I sit miserable, I have come to the conclusion that I really, really, really like the smell of candy corn more than I like the taste You know this candy corn is a popular scent for a candle and I know now I will never buy one because it made me want to eat!
The question that comes up now is why could I not resist after all the planning of not purchasing. Then they enter the house and it becomes all I want! This is one reason why I so badly wanted to be on the biggest loser..yes they bring in temptations for challenges but it isn't part of the household. Candy corn and me= failure! I smelled and I tasted!
Then came another test. Chips. I don't buy chips. I buy wheat thins, triscuts and raw nuts like almonds and walnuts and make hot air popcorn when I have the munchies. My husband, he bought chips! I like chips that is why I don't buy them! I came home one night after working at an exciting, sold out, crazy busy ReAL soccer game with them beating Cruz Azul- Mexico! It was 10:30pm and I had not eaten since 3pm and I was hungry, wired with nervous energy, excited about the Team and all their accomplishments so far the year and on the prowl for food. On the table sits a bowl of apples and pears yet I begin to open cupboards. What is this I see up on the unreachable shelf? Doritos! I love Doritos! I close the cupboard trying to avoid them and open other food storage places in the house and I go back open the chip cupboard again and close it again. My brain is now so focused on the chips, nothing else will do. I reason with myself "you have not had these cheesy wondrous triangles in a long long time"..numerous months, maybe possibly close to a year. I get a cereal bowl down and pour me some. Yummy, yummy crunchy munchie goodness. Even though I failed this test I see one good thing in this process, I got a small bowl and portioned it out. Usually I eat straight out of the bag and have no idea how much I have eaten till I think whoa I better save some for someone else. Or ask someone to move them aways from me! I saw and I tasted and it was good and yet it was bad, very bad! Fail!
On to the very next day and I am not sure why I did not follow my same logic as the night before, but I make a turkey sandwich reached up in the cupboard and grabbed a can of pringles. I sit down at the computer to eat and facebook at the same time. Let me say eating at the computer has the same affect as eating while watching TV...you eat mindlessly and all of a sudden your snack is devoured, you have eaten the whole can of pringles! I have eaten the whole can of pringles! UgH! I tasted and tasted and tasted, I don't think I saw them or smelled them, just tasted. I am not sure why this happened as I was on the computer the night I ate the Doritos. I like Doritos way better than pringles. Why did I not chow down on the chip I like more? It was the difference of pouring some into a bowl vs. having the whole package in front of me. So why did I not use that logic? I am guessing because they are thin little crisps and I don't like them very much so I guess my thinking was I might not eat very many so no controlling measures needed. Wrong! And why do I have to have chips with a sandwich anyway? There are so many other options I have used! On this day it was because they were there I saw them and reacted to the past, chips go with sandwiches.
The other thing I have had to face is ice cream. My husband brings home ice cream alot. For the most part I can resist but it also depends on the flavor. I have had ice cream several times in the last week +. He knows what I am trying to do...lose weight and get healthier yet he still asks if I want some when he is dishing himself out a bowl. When I do give in to the temptation I ask him to serve only 5-7 bites worth so I get a very small taste. I need to stop that! He needs to stop buying these things and tempting me with them. I need to learn that, I doubt he will change so I have too somehow move past the choices and pick what will be of nutritional value for me. It is hard! I see and I taste!
To add to the poor choices this last 8 days I have not turned on my Wii even once. I have not done an actual workout. Well, I have done some things that burn calories and build muscles, but not a typical workout. I have spent a couple days for 2-4 hours on each day, trimming bushes and tree limbs, raking and bending over cleaning up the messes I have made from such chores. I have deep cleaned a couple rooms in the house and reorganized my pantry. I did get my heart rate up doing most of these activities and my body did hurt when completed so I have not been sitting still. But have been scared to death to get on the scale. At first I was going to skip it all together knowing I have had a bad almost 2 weeks. But then I thought, I need the accountability and need to be honest as this is what this blogging is about for me. It helps me see myself and helps others struggling with the same issues I am facing, so I have posted it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I am happy. Even though it still went up instead of down, I am happy because I seriously thought it was going to be really bad and make me cry. I have hope and have stayed below my 300 that took so long to hit. I can learn and get back on track!
I wish the sights, smells and taste of food wasn't so enticing, did not trigger sensors in my brain to desire what I try to resist. I also wish my husband understood what he does to me by bringing in the tempting foods into the house. Even if I could say no each and every time it still should not be there! He does not have a weight problem and even still, they are not healthy for him either.
My daughter recently bought a book for me that I just started reading this week, I am only on page 50, but it is titled " The end of overeating" by David Kessler MD. So far I am understanding some of the reasons I don't have all the control I desire out of myself and hope to learn enough to take better action. It is explaining so far how sugar, salt and fat play to our brain sensors for reward and pleasure. Sounds like me for sure! I don't get why this has to be so hard, this making wise eating choices deal! I have plenty healthy options in the house, but I still select the wrong items. (Not every time, but why even sometimes) I have more to learn, more to conquer, more to understand, more adapting to a new way of living. The sights, smells and tastes are always going to be there, I need to learn not to do so much tasting when I smell and see the things I try to avoid. Food is like a drug, it gives us a momentary satisfaction, a feel good moment. I have to remember this statement and I am not sure if I thought this on my own trying to encourage someone else or I read it first, but I have used it a couple times in conversation with people trying to lose weight vs the exercise we attempt. "Eating brings us temporary pleasure, but we fill miserable when done, exercise makes us temporarily miserable, but we feel great pleasure when we are done" I need to put this on my fridge!
I know I feel more energy and more mental clarity when I exercise yet food has a better grip on me for it''s pleasures. I am not giving up and will keep learning and applying what I learn. I know I can get to the place where this will reverse and exercise will be a joy. I have been getting close to being excited to go do a workout. I am getting there it was just an awful week with to many temptations.
Before I sign off I have this one more thing to say; if anyone in your household is trying to lose weight and you are not, it still is not very supportive of you to bring home things that would be a temptation to your friend or family member. No matter how much you enjoy those things yourself they really aren't good for you either. We all can be strong in words saying it won't be a problem, but deep down it is a problem. Our brains focus on that bad item even when we aren't even looking at it we know it is there. Don't bring it in the house! Find another way to enjoy life, a walk, be creative, listen to music anything that takes pleasure focuses away from food. The holidays are approaching and we all have traditional dishes and activities that just happen, because that is what we have always done it is called tradition. I am going to try to change things up and start a healthy new tradition. The sights, smells and tastes will be all around us, do you have a plan to avoid some of the unhealthy traditions and start something new? Do it for you and your family! Activities bring memories even more than food can! I think after these last couple weeks I am going to make a daily meal plan at the start of each day. It may help me avoid searching out what may be lurking in the cupboards. The sights, smells and tastes will not consume me!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Can I get there from here by way of dancing?
I really don't get why this has to be so difficult for me. Why can't it be easier? I have the desire and think I have the knowledge. Am I being unrealistic? Do I have my hopes set to high? Do I really know what I am doing? I gained almost a pound back. I am doing a little dance. It is the step forward, step back dance. Sounds easy enough, but it is not the dance I want to be doing.
There is a break dancing battle happening in this process of weight loss. It is a dual of positive and negative continuously happening in my brain. The up and down emotions are so very tiring. I go from an extreme with an energetic elated high to a defeated, what the hell, depressed low. I wish I could have a consecutive pattern, because with every week having something new to battle and figure out, I wonder how long I can stay strong enough to get there. Every minute of the day there is a choice to be made. I am going against what I know and have lived in the past. We all live our lives based off of what we know, what we are surrounded with. The focus of what I want my life to be like and making the changes is very challenging.
Last week I was on a high, I did really good and excited about the weight loss. I had abounding energy! I thought once again, I have this figured out. I had ran the furthest I have ever run in about 20+ years and continued with that momentum and pushed even further (well not further), but this last week on 2 occasions I ran the 12 minute lap twice in a workout! Booya for me, I felt so alive that I could do that! I like this accomplished strong feeling! I now know with that little bit of running accomplished I have no limits as to what I can do. I have never felt like that before. (well maybe when I was a teenager I did, but that was ages and ages ago) This last week I even did a workout my trainer taught me earlier this year. It involved a zillion squats and stair raises. I did an arms/back workout with my resistant band as well and it felt great. My inner thighs kill and I am having a hard time walking and I could hardly lift my arms over my head for the next couple days. Putting on a shirt about did me in, but I love that feeling! It means I did something beyond myself. I did not go easy on myself! I also did a half hour session of Yoga with Bob from BL...LOL on my Wii...it about did me in! The first few minutes I was like well I wonder what I can do after this, because this is lame. Well, I realized that a Yoga workout is anything but lame...I almost gave up, because I was hurting so badly. I didn't, but wow! I really need to strengthen my core!
Anyway, with all this working out and accelerating what I am doing I thought I would have different results. I am changing up what I am doing! I thought I would see a minimum 2 lbs drop off, but no. I don't know why it didn't drop. Makes me wonder if I will ever get to where I am going. It is a dual! A battle of the mind for me. I am going through the motions, now if my brain would not make such a big deal of everything, at least the negatives. I like what my brain does with the positives.
I have fought my weaknesses each and every day and I will win. I can do this! I can continue to be strong at least for this next week. One week at a time, right? One pound at a time. I can get there if I am taking more steps forward than I am backwards. I will advance the battle lines and conquer this. I am stronger than what I believe I am. Today the dual ends on a positive.
I have been wanting to go try running on the High School track. Being I was running in place for 12 minutes at a time, I thought...I am ready to hit the outdoors and measure this! I wanted to run at least for 12 minutes and see if it was a mile and if not how long will it take me to run a mile? I had my daughter go with me and I was very nervous. Running in place with my Wii, I have visuals and encouragement along the way to know I can complete it. A track is kinda boring, but I wanted to know the distance in time that I was doing at home. It was a beautiful warmer day, only one other person at the track, so no distractions or worries. We set out running, well if you actually saw me it was more like a jog but hey I am moving forward! I made it one full lap before I had to stop, so a quarter mile. That was only 3 minutes not twelve. I figured that running in place for twelve minutes based off of this track running time, I am running the distance of a mile with my Wii! The difference of running in place in the family room and outside on pavement was a bit different to say the least. First there was a slight wind and I was wheezing after the quarter mile. Then the impact of my weight on the pavement made me hurt a little more...my hips and ankles were taking a beating. I am sure it is because of what I weigh and I am still sore from all the squats I did the other day. After the first lap was completed I did not want to give up so I walked for a lap and then ran in spurts, once the curve of the track and then three times on the straight aways. So in combination, I ran a half mile and walked a half mile. Not bad for the first time out, I will accept this run. Hello track, nice to meet you! Hello mile, lets dance! I will get there and after today, I am ready to hit the track some more! I want to run! I want to watch myself excel past today's new adventure!
I can get there by doing the dance 4 steps forward 1 step backward if that is the way it will be. I figure that I am making more forward steps than backwards steps so it is possible to get there! I wish my dance was a different one, but either way, I will get to twirl in the end.
There is a break dancing battle happening in this process of weight loss. It is a dual of positive and negative continuously happening in my brain. The up and down emotions are so very tiring. I go from an extreme with an energetic elated high to a defeated, what the hell, depressed low. I wish I could have a consecutive pattern, because with every week having something new to battle and figure out, I wonder how long I can stay strong enough to get there. Every minute of the day there is a choice to be made. I am going against what I know and have lived in the past. We all live our lives based off of what we know, what we are surrounded with. The focus of what I want my life to be like and making the changes is very challenging.
Last week I was on a high, I did really good and excited about the weight loss. I had abounding energy! I thought once again, I have this figured out. I had ran the furthest I have ever run in about 20+ years and continued with that momentum and pushed even further (well not further), but this last week on 2 occasions I ran the 12 minute lap twice in a workout! Booya for me, I felt so alive that I could do that! I like this accomplished strong feeling! I now know with that little bit of running accomplished I have no limits as to what I can do. I have never felt like that before. (well maybe when I was a teenager I did, but that was ages and ages ago) This last week I even did a workout my trainer taught me earlier this year. It involved a zillion squats and stair raises. I did an arms/back workout with my resistant band as well and it felt great. My inner thighs kill and I am having a hard time walking and I could hardly lift my arms over my head for the next couple days. Putting on a shirt about did me in, but I love that feeling! It means I did something beyond myself. I did not go easy on myself! I also did a half hour session of Yoga with Bob from BL...LOL on my Wii...it about did me in! The first few minutes I was like well I wonder what I can do after this, because this is lame. Well, I realized that a Yoga workout is anything but lame...I almost gave up, because I was hurting so badly. I didn't, but wow! I really need to strengthen my core!
Anyway, with all this working out and accelerating what I am doing I thought I would have different results. I am changing up what I am doing! I thought I would see a minimum 2 lbs drop off, but no. I don't know why it didn't drop. Makes me wonder if I will ever get to where I am going. It is a dual! A battle of the mind for me. I am going through the motions, now if my brain would not make such a big deal of everything, at least the negatives. I like what my brain does with the positives.
I have fought my weaknesses each and every day and I will win. I can do this! I can continue to be strong at least for this next week. One week at a time, right? One pound at a time. I can get there if I am taking more steps forward than I am backwards. I will advance the battle lines and conquer this. I am stronger than what I believe I am. Today the dual ends on a positive.
I have been wanting to go try running on the High School track. Being I was running in place for 12 minutes at a time, I thought...I am ready to hit the outdoors and measure this! I wanted to run at least for 12 minutes and see if it was a mile and if not how long will it take me to run a mile? I had my daughter go with me and I was very nervous. Running in place with my Wii, I have visuals and encouragement along the way to know I can complete it. A track is kinda boring, but I wanted to know the distance in time that I was doing at home. It was a beautiful warmer day, only one other person at the track, so no distractions or worries. We set out running, well if you actually saw me it was more like a jog but hey I am moving forward! I made it one full lap before I had to stop, so a quarter mile. That was only 3 minutes not twelve. I figured that running in place for twelve minutes based off of this track running time, I am running the distance of a mile with my Wii! The difference of running in place in the family room and outside on pavement was a bit different to say the least. First there was a slight wind and I was wheezing after the quarter mile. Then the impact of my weight on the pavement made me hurt a little more...my hips and ankles were taking a beating. I am sure it is because of what I weigh and I am still sore from all the squats I did the other day. After the first lap was completed I did not want to give up so I walked for a lap and then ran in spurts, once the curve of the track and then three times on the straight aways. So in combination, I ran a half mile and walked a half mile. Not bad for the first time out, I will accept this run. Hello track, nice to meet you! Hello mile, lets dance! I will get there and after today, I am ready to hit the track some more! I want to run! I want to watch myself excel past today's new adventure!
I can get there by doing the dance 4 steps forward 1 step backward if that is the way it will be. I figure that I am making more forward steps than backwards steps so it is possible to get there! I wish my dance was a different one, but either way, I will get to twirl in the end.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Listening to Myself
Why is it that we as humans are really good at giving advice to others, but can't seem to notice the log in our own eye and take our own advice? I have learned many healthy bits over the years and the changes I have applied this week are facts that I already knew and have actually recently shared to others who were seeking advice or encouragement, yet it took some serious frustration to see that I am not applying it to myself.
Last week after I posted my blog, Biggest Loser was on that evening. For the first time since watching BL I was ticked off instead of motivated. It was their first weigh in of the season and they have been on the ranch for a full week which always makes for huge weight loss, because they have had such a drastic change in their diet and exercise. As I watched them weigh in, the least weight loss was 12 lbs and the largest was 41 lbs...in a freakin' week! Here I am struggling to lose 2 lbs a week and in the overall time I have been trying to concentrate on this not even a total of 41 lbs which this guy lost in a week! Damn! I was so ticked off! I sat and glared at the TV, my arms crossed in front of me, wiping away tears of pure madness, mad as hell that I was struggling and not seeing very good results on my journey. Mad I was not chosen to be on the show (which I have never felt until that moment) I stayed mad through the night and felt depressed the next day, so I started reading some of my health magazines and books glancing for any clues as to what I need to change for success.
One that popped out was actually one I have told contestants on BL (talking to the TV) ...LOL my oh my..there it is right in front of me and in so many exercise articles... "change up what you are doing"! The reason I have talked to the TV on biggest loser is when they weigh in and have either gained a pound or barley lost 1lb and they have worked their butts off all week, I know enough about this to say" girl you are doing the same exercise routine day in and day out change it up, your body is now used to this regimen". I think I did not realize this in myself, because I have had some great improvements that I did not think of it in terms of it being the same thing over and over again. I have been doing balance things for a warm up for 20-30 minutes before I venture into cardio and the training plus segments on my Wii. Then I alternate cardio in between other exercises. Same routine for the last month. Take my own advice and change it up!
Another thing I learned with which I already knew; to lose a pound, you must burn 3,500 calories. I also know about starvation dieting trying to take in less calories and I have been doing that out of desperation lately. You see if you eat less than 1,200 calories a day you sabotage the results. I was not eating enough through the day and end out with the munchies at 9:30 -10pm and make a bunch of popcorn to munch out on, double sabotage. Cardio is weight loss extra credit! It allows you to burn extra calories without actually over training which can happen with resistance training. As Jullian Michaels says: Do the math! If you are eating 1,500 calories a day and assume your BMR is about 1,600 and you do 2 cardio workouts a day ( morning & night) the two sessions burning 500 calories each along with your daily activities will speed up your metabolism to at least 2,000. As a result, you will have burned about 1,500 calories that day and that is almost half a pound. At that rate you will be losing up to 3.5 pounds a week. Thank you Jillian for the reminder on the math and not starving oneself to skimp on the calorie intake! I knew this at one point and have shared recently to someone else not to starve themselves cause it messes up your metabolism..Take my own advice and eat! don't starve yourself!
Another healthy piece of advice which I have heard over and over from my trainers to magazine articles, from my own flippin mouth, " Don't weigh yourself, but once a week!" I have gotten so obsessive about weighing myself and would tell myself to stop it, but not listen to myself or all the advice being poured out to me. I think that weighing myself everyday created stressful frustrating confusion in my head and body. To many head games happening that it was sabotaging my efforts. Take the advice and weigh myself once a week!
I have recently also signed up for an online 8 week email thing called Experience Life Action Challenge where they send you an email on Mondays with simple steps to make healthy changes throughout the week. So I will have some more tips on hand when I need to make other changes in the future and yes, I will be applying them now too.
This week I made some changes listening to what I already knew and needed to apply. I even ran the lap around the Island on Wii which is the longest run I have done so far. It was a challenge for sure. I had to encourage myself thru the whole run to not give up, letting myself know I was half way done, that I could do it. Telling myself how good it will feel to accomplish another step and completing something that has been hard to do. When I got done...I was beaming, smiling and it felt wonderful. It was a 12 minute run, double what I have done so far. I am now wondering how long it would take me to run a mile, because I feel like I might be there or close. I need to hit up a track and measure it. Booya to me!
So now the question is; did the changes help? Did I have a successful week? Did I lose weight?
It is funny how much seeing a number on the scale can bring tears or confidence, this week it is confidence! I was in total shock stepping on that Wii seeing the BMI # lower than I have ever seen it! My mouth dropped open when I saw my weight, I sat down and shed a happy tear, I lost 4.4 lbs.
I am cheering and joyous, because the one thing I can measure changed for the good, I listened to myself and applied what I have learned. I am moving forward, running a new lap and feeling great about my accomplishments.
Last week after I posted my blog, Biggest Loser was on that evening. For the first time since watching BL I was ticked off instead of motivated. It was their first weigh in of the season and they have been on the ranch for a full week which always makes for huge weight loss, because they have had such a drastic change in their diet and exercise. As I watched them weigh in, the least weight loss was 12 lbs and the largest was 41 lbs...in a freakin' week! Here I am struggling to lose 2 lbs a week and in the overall time I have been trying to concentrate on this not even a total of 41 lbs which this guy lost in a week! Damn! I was so ticked off! I sat and glared at the TV, my arms crossed in front of me, wiping away tears of pure madness, mad as hell that I was struggling and not seeing very good results on my journey. Mad I was not chosen to be on the show (which I have never felt until that moment) I stayed mad through the night and felt depressed the next day, so I started reading some of my health magazines and books glancing for any clues as to what I need to change for success.
One that popped out was actually one I have told contestants on BL (talking to the TV) ...LOL my oh my..there it is right in front of me and in so many exercise articles... "change up what you are doing"! The reason I have talked to the TV on biggest loser is when they weigh in and have either gained a pound or barley lost 1lb and they have worked their butts off all week, I know enough about this to say" girl you are doing the same exercise routine day in and day out change it up, your body is now used to this regimen". I think I did not realize this in myself, because I have had some great improvements that I did not think of it in terms of it being the same thing over and over again. I have been doing balance things for a warm up for 20-30 minutes before I venture into cardio and the training plus segments on my Wii. Then I alternate cardio in between other exercises. Same routine for the last month. Take my own advice and change it up!
Another thing I learned with which I already knew; to lose a pound, you must burn 3,500 calories. I also know about starvation dieting trying to take in less calories and I have been doing that out of desperation lately. You see if you eat less than 1,200 calories a day you sabotage the results. I was not eating enough through the day and end out with the munchies at 9:30 -10pm and make a bunch of popcorn to munch out on, double sabotage. Cardio is weight loss extra credit! It allows you to burn extra calories without actually over training which can happen with resistance training. As Jullian Michaels says: Do the math! If you are eating 1,500 calories a day and assume your BMR is about 1,600 and you do 2 cardio workouts a day ( morning & night) the two sessions burning 500 calories each along with your daily activities will speed up your metabolism to at least 2,000. As a result, you will have burned about 1,500 calories that day and that is almost half a pound. At that rate you will be losing up to 3.5 pounds a week. Thank you Jillian for the reminder on the math and not starving oneself to skimp on the calorie intake! I knew this at one point and have shared recently to someone else not to starve themselves cause it messes up your metabolism..Take my own advice and eat! don't starve yourself!
Another healthy piece of advice which I have heard over and over from my trainers to magazine articles, from my own flippin mouth, " Don't weigh yourself, but once a week!" I have gotten so obsessive about weighing myself and would tell myself to stop it, but not listen to myself or all the advice being poured out to me. I think that weighing myself everyday created stressful frustrating confusion in my head and body. To many head games happening that it was sabotaging my efforts. Take the advice and weigh myself once a week!
I have recently also signed up for an online 8 week email thing called Experience Life Action Challenge where they send you an email on Mondays with simple steps to make healthy changes throughout the week. So I will have some more tips on hand when I need to make other changes in the future and yes, I will be applying them now too.
This week I made some changes listening to what I already knew and needed to apply. I even ran the lap around the Island on Wii which is the longest run I have done so far. It was a challenge for sure. I had to encourage myself thru the whole run to not give up, letting myself know I was half way done, that I could do it. Telling myself how good it will feel to accomplish another step and completing something that has been hard to do. When I got done...I was beaming, smiling and it felt wonderful. It was a 12 minute run, double what I have done so far. I am now wondering how long it would take me to run a mile, because I feel like I might be there or close. I need to hit up a track and measure it. Booya to me!
So now the question is; did the changes help? Did I have a successful week? Did I lose weight?
It is funny how much seeing a number on the scale can bring tears or confidence, this week it is confidence! I was in total shock stepping on that Wii seeing the BMI # lower than I have ever seen it! My mouth dropped open when I saw my weight, I sat down and shed a happy tear, I lost 4.4 lbs.
I am cheering and joyous, because the one thing I can measure changed for the good, I listened to myself and applied what I have learned. I am moving forward, running a new lap and feeling great about my accomplishments.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It is how we measure
I have had a couple rough weeks and although I had a blog ready to write a little over a week ago, I got busy. You see things haven't changed much since my last blog Sept 7th. The weight gain vs. loss became very emotional and I had actually gained 1 more pound back before it started to drop again. Ugh! I wish I could lose as fast as I gain, because it is a battle already without having to redo the loses. I guess over the years I could say I have lost lots of pounds the way my body rolls back and forth, but when you gain it back I guess it really does not count. Which leads me to my point for this blog.
I subscribe to many health related Facebook fan pages and emails to be sent to me for the purpose of encouragement and knowledge about healthy eating and exercise. I love getting them, because my husband really does not get how to help in this aspect of being helpful or an encourager. In fact sometimes I view him as my sabotager..if that is even a word. He brings home treats and processed foods saying hey it was cheap so I purchased...ugh! I am really working at a clean/whole foods eating approach!
Anyway, back to the tidbits I get via Internet resources, lately they have been about "not counting on your scale for success". I am having to do that lately as I am moving so slowly at the pounds coming off that I have to find something successful in all of this. As I try to apply this method of success I realize how hard it is, because people don't come up to you and ask " Have you gotten any better at cardio exercises?" or "How is the coordination and balance coming along"? or "How is your strengthening exercises going"? Nope the question I always get is "how much weight have you lost"?
We jump on the scale to measure how successful we are and it gives us a number we can share. This is how we measure weight loss, no getting around that! But with my challenges and focus on weight loss, I lose sight of the other successes I am having. I guess there isn't really a way to measure the other things specifically. If there is I don't have access to them.
Since my weight loss is such a slow process and it frustrates me to tears and is hard to stay motivated, I need to rely on the other positives taking place in this journey. It isn't all about the weight loss, but what I am doing to improve my health and way of living. I am able to do so much more because of the exercises.
On my Wii there are uplifting things that happen and Wii told me to share that I am now a Gold Level which means I have logged 40+ hours ( that took place a couple weeks ago) ! My huge improvements over the last few weeks have been in the cardio exercises. When I started on Wii there is a basic 3 minute run to chose from and the first time I got brave enough to go for the run, I seriously did not think I could finish it. I was breathing like a bad case of asthma had struck me down, but Wii encourages you and when it said I was half way done keep up the good work, I could not let it down...LOL so I finished, completely unable to breathe and I was not able to do another thing afterwards. It took me awhile to get my breathing back to normal. Here is the measurement difference that motivates me, I am now running the long run which is 5-6 minutes depending on the guide I have and running that 3 times a day in intervals between other cardio exercises like the advanced step which I do 4-5 times in a row now! (step has helped me see improvements in my coordination)! You see I have not run in about 6 years because 6 yrs ago I tore my achilles. It was so painful and took about 6 months to recover from and another 3 years of severe charlie horse cramps in my leg that I have been afraid to run. I never wanted to feel that pain again. I faced a fear and have started running. Now yes, they are short runs, but getting better for longer runs and more intervals. Yesterday, near the end of my workout I opened yet another longer run and I look forward to selecting it and give it a go! I am not afraid to select cardio things I think may be tough to do anymore. I am learning to push myself beyond the current comfort zones. Next I want to run a mile, then work towards a 5K and who knows where all that will lead. I know there are bigger things ahead and I will get there. Heck, my husband pulled out a jump rope last week and he and Dixie were seeing if they could jump rope and how many rotations. I came outside and he said " I bet you can't even make it 10 rotations"...not sure if that was a dare or lack of confidence in my ability by him, but I took the handles and made it 15 times before it caught my feet and not because I couldn't do it. I was proud of myself! A month ago, I would have been afraid I couldn't even jump, not even once. Coordination happening and no fear!
I am starting to see that the scale is not the only way to measure my successes. Granted I want to see the numbers drop and it makes me feel good to see that, but there are other things to measure to see success.
I have one more thing I am going to share and this was an emotional (tearing up now) decision, but I am going to post my weight loss over on the right column. I thought about this for awhile and figured it could only be a good thing. I realized yesterday as I contemplated it even more that I should! After all when I tried out for Biggest Loser I knew a million + people would see what I weighed and if I was so willing to be on the show and expose that part of me I should be brave and do it on my blog. It is very embarrassing and makes me cry to realize I haven't tried to do anything about it till recently, but I recently had a friend post a blog sight to me that had an incredible motivating video. The blogger had his weight loss and running miles posted on his page as well. It was very encouraging for me to see the pounds and dates as they dropped, I decided that if it encouraged me, I want to encourage anyone reading mine that it can be done. I have posted a link at the end of a video on his page. Very inspiring!
There are many ways to measure your successes in your health. Some things start out in baby steps, but you have to start somewhere. Every little change reaps big rewards in your health. See what you can do to start and just keep pushing yourself forward. " When the going gets tough, the tough gets going!" Ben Does Life- Inspiration
I subscribe to many health related Facebook fan pages and emails to be sent to me for the purpose of encouragement and knowledge about healthy eating and exercise. I love getting them, because my husband really does not get how to help in this aspect of being helpful or an encourager. In fact sometimes I view him as my sabotager..if that is even a word. He brings home treats and processed foods saying hey it was cheap so I purchased...ugh! I am really working at a clean/whole foods eating approach!
Anyway, back to the tidbits I get via Internet resources, lately they have been about "not counting on your scale for success". I am having to do that lately as I am moving so slowly at the pounds coming off that I have to find something successful in all of this. As I try to apply this method of success I realize how hard it is, because people don't come up to you and ask " Have you gotten any better at cardio exercises?" or "How is the coordination and balance coming along"? or "How is your strengthening exercises going"? Nope the question I always get is "how much weight have you lost"?
We jump on the scale to measure how successful we are and it gives us a number we can share. This is how we measure weight loss, no getting around that! But with my challenges and focus on weight loss, I lose sight of the other successes I am having. I guess there isn't really a way to measure the other things specifically. If there is I don't have access to them.
Since my weight loss is such a slow process and it frustrates me to tears and is hard to stay motivated, I need to rely on the other positives taking place in this journey. It isn't all about the weight loss, but what I am doing to improve my health and way of living. I am able to do so much more because of the exercises.
On my Wii there are uplifting things that happen and Wii told me to share that I am now a Gold Level which means I have logged 40+ hours ( that took place a couple weeks ago) ! My huge improvements over the last few weeks have been in the cardio exercises. When I started on Wii there is a basic 3 minute run to chose from and the first time I got brave enough to go for the run, I seriously did not think I could finish it. I was breathing like a bad case of asthma had struck me down, but Wii encourages you and when it said I was half way done keep up the good work, I could not let it down...LOL so I finished, completely unable to breathe and I was not able to do another thing afterwards. It took me awhile to get my breathing back to normal. Here is the measurement difference that motivates me, I am now running the long run which is 5-6 minutes depending on the guide I have and running that 3 times a day in intervals between other cardio exercises like the advanced step which I do 4-5 times in a row now! (step has helped me see improvements in my coordination)! You see I have not run in about 6 years because 6 yrs ago I tore my achilles. It was so painful and took about 6 months to recover from and another 3 years of severe charlie horse cramps in my leg that I have been afraid to run. I never wanted to feel that pain again. I faced a fear and have started running. Now yes, they are short runs, but getting better for longer runs and more intervals. Yesterday, near the end of my workout I opened yet another longer run and I look forward to selecting it and give it a go! I am not afraid to select cardio things I think may be tough to do anymore. I am learning to push myself beyond the current comfort zones. Next I want to run a mile, then work towards a 5K and who knows where all that will lead. I know there are bigger things ahead and I will get there. Heck, my husband pulled out a jump rope last week and he and Dixie were seeing if they could jump rope and how many rotations. I came outside and he said " I bet you can't even make it 10 rotations"...not sure if that was a dare or lack of confidence in my ability by him, but I took the handles and made it 15 times before it caught my feet and not because I couldn't do it. I was proud of myself! A month ago, I would have been afraid I couldn't even jump, not even once. Coordination happening and no fear!
I am starting to see that the scale is not the only way to measure my successes. Granted I want to see the numbers drop and it makes me feel good to see that, but there are other things to measure to see success.
I have one more thing I am going to share and this was an emotional (tearing up now) decision, but I am going to post my weight loss over on the right column. I thought about this for awhile and figured it could only be a good thing. I realized yesterday as I contemplated it even more that I should! After all when I tried out for Biggest Loser I knew a million + people would see what I weighed and if I was so willing to be on the show and expose that part of me I should be brave and do it on my blog. It is very embarrassing and makes me cry to realize I haven't tried to do anything about it till recently, but I recently had a friend post a blog sight to me that had an incredible motivating video. The blogger had his weight loss and running miles posted on his page as well. It was very encouraging for me to see the pounds and dates as they dropped, I decided that if it encouraged me, I want to encourage anyone reading mine that it can be done. I have posted a link at the end of a video on his page. Very inspiring!
There are many ways to measure your successes in your health. Some things start out in baby steps, but you have to start somewhere. Every little change reaps big rewards in your health. See what you can do to start and just keep pushing yourself forward. " When the going gets tough, the tough gets going!" Ben Does Life- Inspiration
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Why does one day have to matter so much?
24 hours ago I was high on life! Everything I was doing seemed to have a great positive momentum and I thought I had finally figured out what will work for me to lose all this weight! I was on a roll, feeling good, seeing success, my weight loss graph had a big downward slope! I had great hope that I could go all the way with my task!
In the last month I had lost 11.5 lbs and 8 lbs of that have been since August 20th! Today, a rise on the graph took place. As I saw the graph on my Wii create a new peak and have the Mii tell me I am Obese, I yelled out loud a big frustrated "Duh! That is why I am on here ya dumb shit"! The Wii says it every time I get on, but today it really bugged me, because instead of heading in the direction I wanted, it rose 3 lbs...ughhh!
I had a melt down and I am not talking fat melting, but a mental melt down! I started crying! Why does one day matter so much? I started pacing the room yelling at myself, even used the eF word which to me is one of the worst words ever and I hate hearing others use it. Yet here I am, eF this and eF that directed at myself! I got mad and decided I was going to workout so I hopped on the Wii crying my eyes out! I was bound and determined to not let it knock me down, I was not going to let the mental negatives take over! I was in fighting mode!
Lets just say that with all the determined fight I had inside screaming to get past this moment, it actually got worse. Each and every exercise was a battle that I was not winning. The first 3 or 4 exercises I did today, I was getting the worst scores ever on! Oh what a rotten, depressing day! I thought I had a melt down a few minutes earlier, now I am sobbing wondering what in the hell is wrong with me! Why does this day have to be! It feels defeating. I lost my mojo, my confidence and feel that I know nothing anymore! I wanted to go back to bed and pretend it is just a nightmare. I was crying so hard and so mad at myself and wondered what it was going to take. I stared out the window sobbing hoping nobody heard me cursing ( it was pretty loud, I was happy the windows weren't open!) wondering how I was going to get through this day.
I am happy to report that I am blessed with a brain function that realizes when I am hard on myself like this, I have the capability to recognize that what I am doing to myself is self destructive and not going to be of any benefit and quickly I shift gears. I decide I need to fight the negative and get back to work. I can do this!
I don't know why I let this one day matter so much! Why do such events hit me so hard and tear me down. After all there are so many more great days than this lousy one day so why let it get to me?
I started to think about that more, "why does this one day matter so much" and discovered I was saying it negatively, so I switched where I was enunciating the phrase and heard it in a positive way instead. When I am mad at myself I tend to dwell on words over and over again and this time I heard the phrase differently then how I was using it. Instead of crying about it, learn from it!
I started asking myself questions about why would there be such a big difference in 24 hours, what is this picture I have to face? What can I learn?
I started looking at my food intake and discovered an underlying problem. I rewarded myself with food, hum. There it is! And it is NOT good! I had been doing so well with my workouts and careful with what I was eating that when a nice momentum took hold I had a sense of freedom, because something was working. I felt invincible! I had it going on and nothing was going to stop me! I felt like I had this weight loss figured out and in the bag! So with this high I was on I made a couple meals that I love and instead of leaving out the unhealthy ingredients I went all out! I seemed to not care, I do remember a brief thought of "man,I probably shouldn't do this, but these couple things won't be that big of a deal. After all my metabolism seems to be kicking in to a higher level working for me now!"...Did I listen...nope, because I am invincible! I have read not to totally deprive yourself some of your food pleasures so you won't binge out on it at some point and used that as part of my excuse. LOL..oh my, ya right and now I see that on the scale. I failed on the scale! I failed in my decision making! Now I am paying for it....suck!
Why does one day matter so much? Today mattered because even through all the tears and the melt down, I grew and learned something about myself; I reward myself with food. Now move on and find another way to reward myself! I also did not give up today. When I was crying and wanted to go back to bed and forget about it all, I realized I am one tough cookie! I stayed down stairs, whipped away my tears and jumped back on the Wii for a 2 hour workout! I burned 720 calories...yes ma'am! I can do this and each day does matter because I am growing and learning what I need to do, who I am and what I am am capable of...something far greater than what I have done so far! Now I need to make each day matter!
When you are faced with a horrid moment or day on your journey, don't let it take over! Whip away the tears, learn from it, focus on the successes and get up and move toward your dream!
In the last month I had lost 11.5 lbs and 8 lbs of that have been since August 20th! Today, a rise on the graph took place. As I saw the graph on my Wii create a new peak and have the Mii tell me I am Obese, I yelled out loud a big frustrated "Duh! That is why I am on here ya dumb shit"! The Wii says it every time I get on, but today it really bugged me, because instead of heading in the direction I wanted, it rose 3 lbs...ughhh!
I had a melt down and I am not talking fat melting, but a mental melt down! I started crying! Why does one day matter so much? I started pacing the room yelling at myself, even used the eF word which to me is one of the worst words ever and I hate hearing others use it. Yet here I am, eF this and eF that directed at myself! I got mad and decided I was going to workout so I hopped on the Wii crying my eyes out! I was bound and determined to not let it knock me down, I was not going to let the mental negatives take over! I was in fighting mode!
Lets just say that with all the determined fight I had inside screaming to get past this moment, it actually got worse. Each and every exercise was a battle that I was not winning. The first 3 or 4 exercises I did today, I was getting the worst scores ever on! Oh what a rotten, depressing day! I thought I had a melt down a few minutes earlier, now I am sobbing wondering what in the hell is wrong with me! Why does this day have to be! It feels defeating. I lost my mojo, my confidence and feel that I know nothing anymore! I wanted to go back to bed and pretend it is just a nightmare. I was crying so hard and so mad at myself and wondered what it was going to take. I stared out the window sobbing hoping nobody heard me cursing ( it was pretty loud, I was happy the windows weren't open!) wondering how I was going to get through this day.
I am happy to report that I am blessed with a brain function that realizes when I am hard on myself like this, I have the capability to recognize that what I am doing to myself is self destructive and not going to be of any benefit and quickly I shift gears. I decide I need to fight the negative and get back to work. I can do this!
I don't know why I let this one day matter so much! Why do such events hit me so hard and tear me down. After all there are so many more great days than this lousy one day so why let it get to me?
I started to think about that more, "why does this one day matter so much" and discovered I was saying it negatively, so I switched where I was enunciating the phrase and heard it in a positive way instead. When I am mad at myself I tend to dwell on words over and over again and this time I heard the phrase differently then how I was using it. Instead of crying about it, learn from it!
I started asking myself questions about why would there be such a big difference in 24 hours, what is this picture I have to face? What can I learn?
I started looking at my food intake and discovered an underlying problem. I rewarded myself with food, hum. There it is! And it is NOT good! I had been doing so well with my workouts and careful with what I was eating that when a nice momentum took hold I had a sense of freedom, because something was working. I felt invincible! I had it going on and nothing was going to stop me! I felt like I had this weight loss figured out and in the bag! So with this high I was on I made a couple meals that I love and instead of leaving out the unhealthy ingredients I went all out! I seemed to not care, I do remember a brief thought of "man,I probably shouldn't do this, but these couple things won't be that big of a deal. After all my metabolism seems to be kicking in to a higher level working for me now!"...Did I listen...nope, because I am invincible! I have read not to totally deprive yourself some of your food pleasures so you won't binge out on it at some point and used that as part of my excuse. LOL..oh my, ya right and now I see that on the scale. I failed on the scale! I failed in my decision making! Now I am paying for it....suck!
Why does one day matter so much? Today mattered because even through all the tears and the melt down, I grew and learned something about myself; I reward myself with food. Now move on and find another way to reward myself! I also did not give up today. When I was crying and wanted to go back to bed and forget about it all, I realized I am one tough cookie! I stayed down stairs, whipped away my tears and jumped back on the Wii for a 2 hour workout! I burned 720 calories...yes ma'am! I can do this and each day does matter because I am growing and learning what I need to do, who I am and what I am am capable of...something far greater than what I have done so far! Now I need to make each day matter!
When you are faced with a horrid moment or day on your journey, don't let it take over! Whip away the tears, learn from it, focus on the successes and get up and move toward your dream!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
It is all about the little things
The more I look at life the more I see it is the little things that matter most. Those little things apply to everything! I used to only look at the big things and roll my eyes and say "yeah, whatever" whenever someone stated that quote. My mind would basically shut down upon those words. You see I always have been wowed by the big things in life! Someone else's great accomplishments, in business, sports, talents of any sort, having an impact on the world or their personal community. I am now realizing that people do not get to the big moments without the smaller things mattering first.
I recently read an article about Blake Mycoski founder of TOMS shoes. This company started just 4 years ago and it is a remarkable company! This company is doing amazing things, big things, important things! As I read his story, I realized it started with the little things. He had a catalyst moment in his life that took off on wanting to change something he saw! He was on a trip and saw a need and wanted to do something about it. He did not know how exactly, but had a passion that set things in motion. The small things lead to the success of his company which is making a global impact. I read words in the article like; passion, risks, obstacles, opportunity, change, simplicity, optimism, experience, clarify and enthusiasm and the reason they stood out is the fact that they all fit my journey. Probably would fit any ones journey for that matter.
It is the little things that we do that makes the bigger things we desire take shape. We have to clarify what the bigger picture goal is and then simplify and make smaller goals to get there.There will be obstacles along the way. The risks we take can make us stronger and give us experience. Have a passion for what you want to accomplish. The opportunity is there before us so jump in with some enthusiasm and make the necessary changes. It is the little things that matter!
This last week, I have read from different resources a quote being said a few different ways but all meaning about the same thing. It is funny how God puts reoccurring points out there for us to see. He is trying to help us if we take the time to notice. The 4 quotes that have stood out to me this week because of the theme they carry follows:
"A body in motion tends to stay in motion"
"The destination is not as important as the journey"
"Why dream it when you can do it" and
"Pick something and practice and work on it until you're good at it. You can only change if you are in motion" ~ Donald Miller
So the little things I am doing and practicing are working me into a forward motion to get me to the destination of my dreams. I am a work in progress! I am on my journey and taking it all in to learn and grow.
Another article I read was at the beginning of each day making a statement and writing down " what will I do today that will help me move forward towards my goal"
Today I will first have a glass of water before my tea and breakfast (ways to add water in my day to stay hydrated)
Today I will exercise enough to burn at least 600 calories ( goals to push myself farther)
Today I will eat smaller meals ( learning to portion size and realize I am full and can still have energy)
Today I will not be so critical of myself ( learning to appreciate Gods creation in me)
I am thrilled to say that since Aug 2nd I have lost 8.4 lbs! One month and so far averaging 2 lbs a week! Nice! Yesterday was frustrating though. I could not master some of the exercises I have gotten really good at prior and it drove me crazy. My body was stiff, I had no sense of balance. I called it a day yesterday after 30 minutes of a workout. Frustration got the best of me. Today my 600 calories to burn was to not give up when I feel frustrated with my lack of ability because each day is a new day! Today, I still felt stiff, but able to master the things I could not yesterday. I ended my routine today learning me some yoga! I did a sun salutation, palm tree, a chair and a warrior! The chair was the hardest! Wii says I have good control and posture! so on that note..... concentrate on the little things you can do,get your body in motion and stay hydrated!
I recently read an article about Blake Mycoski founder of TOMS shoes. This company started just 4 years ago and it is a remarkable company! This company is doing amazing things, big things, important things! As I read his story, I realized it started with the little things. He had a catalyst moment in his life that took off on wanting to change something he saw! He was on a trip and saw a need and wanted to do something about it. He did not know how exactly, but had a passion that set things in motion. The small things lead to the success of his company which is making a global impact. I read words in the article like; passion, risks, obstacles, opportunity, change, simplicity, optimism, experience, clarify and enthusiasm and the reason they stood out is the fact that they all fit my journey. Probably would fit any ones journey for that matter.
It is the little things that we do that makes the bigger things we desire take shape. We have to clarify what the bigger picture goal is and then simplify and make smaller goals to get there.There will be obstacles along the way. The risks we take can make us stronger and give us experience. Have a passion for what you want to accomplish. The opportunity is there before us so jump in with some enthusiasm and make the necessary changes. It is the little things that matter!
This last week, I have read from different resources a quote being said a few different ways but all meaning about the same thing. It is funny how God puts reoccurring points out there for us to see. He is trying to help us if we take the time to notice. The 4 quotes that have stood out to me this week because of the theme they carry follows:
"A body in motion tends to stay in motion"
"The destination is not as important as the journey"
"Why dream it when you can do it" and
"Pick something and practice and work on it until you're good at it. You can only change if you are in motion" ~ Donald Miller
So the little things I am doing and practicing are working me into a forward motion to get me to the destination of my dreams. I am a work in progress! I am on my journey and taking it all in to learn and grow.
Another article I read was at the beginning of each day making a statement and writing down " what will I do today that will help me move forward towards my goal"
Today I will first have a glass of water before my tea and breakfast (ways to add water in my day to stay hydrated)
Today I will exercise enough to burn at least 600 calories ( goals to push myself farther)
Today I will eat smaller meals ( learning to portion size and realize I am full and can still have energy)
Today I will not be so critical of myself ( learning to appreciate Gods creation in me)
I am thrilled to say that since Aug 2nd I have lost 8.4 lbs! One month and so far averaging 2 lbs a week! Nice! Yesterday was frustrating though. I could not master some of the exercises I have gotten really good at prior and it drove me crazy. My body was stiff, I had no sense of balance. I called it a day yesterday after 30 minutes of a workout. Frustration got the best of me. Today my 600 calories to burn was to not give up when I feel frustrated with my lack of ability because each day is a new day! Today, I still felt stiff, but able to master the things I could not yesterday. I ended my routine today learning me some yoga! I did a sun salutation, palm tree, a chair and a warrior! The chair was the hardest! Wii says I have good control and posture! so on that note..... concentrate on the little things you can do,get your body in motion and stay hydrated!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Progress that Jumps up & Down
In the business world many would say to be successful there needs to be an upward trend of progress in order to show success, but there are some things in life that the downward trend is better at showing success.
My success would be the result of a downward trend; weight loss!
On Wii there are all kinds of graphs and charts. On each exercise there is the top 10 scores and when you beat your own best score or hit the #1 spot it cheers you on and you feel sucessful. There are also charts to see what type of exercises you are doing each day, how long you work in those catagories. There are charts for other things as well but the #1 graph I spend time on is the graph that charts my weight. Oh how badly I want to see it going in a downward trend.
I realize weight loss is a battle of tweeking this or that to be successful and getting into a healthy lifestyle that becomes a natural patten in your life. I am realizing also how much tweeking needs to be done. I think I know and understand exactly what to do yet my graph is not displaying this.
Wii allows you to set goals and a time frame for those goals. I so far have been setting my goals in 2 week increments expecting to lose 3.5 lbs. Wii says I should set it at 2 lbs as that is the healthier thing to do. I don't want to listen because I want more than that! 1lb a week would take me 3 years to hit my target weight...I don't think I can handle waiting that long! So I set goals of 3.5 lbs every 2 weeks, I have yet to be successful. I feel it is a reasonable goal , but I have yet to have a stamp on the 2 week calander that shows success. Hum, I am actually wondering what Wii does to celebrate that with you.
Anyway, I started looking at my weight loss graph, I actually am addicted to my graph! I stare at it as if to manipulate it to read something else. I have had times when I wanted to throw the controller at the TV and yell profanities at it. I have sat and laughed in disbelief. I have wondered if the Wii scale is inaccurate and re weighed myself. It lets you select at the beginning how heavy your cloths might be, I have thought about choosing the heavier just to see 2 lbs difference. I have gotten off the scale frustrated at what I see and run upstairs go to the bathroom and come back and weigh myself again. A little bit of pee doesn't weigh very much by the way, only a few onces. So lying to myself wont help, Wii places it all out on the line for me to see. My own personal trainer.
I have started to look at my graph differently this last week as it has been 1 week since I quit my job to really focus on this task I have before me. My graph has so many up and down lines to it , I am thinking I am drawing a silhoutee picture of the Sawtooth Mountains ( they're in Idaho and very sharp peaks and valley's hence the name sawtooth) My graph jumps up and down all over the place. In the matter of one day I can loose 2 lbs (yippee) and the next couple days gain 3 lbs back- uggh! Up, down, up and down it goes. I get excited, frustrated and discouraged so I found myself staring at the graph wondering what am I doing wrong? Why oh why can't I see a drawing of a downhill ski jump on my graph instead? (without the jump of course- just the downhill)
Well, as I sit and stare at it, I realized something; there is progress sitting there before my eyes to see. I just had to change how I was looking at it. Instead of focusing on the ups and downs there is a steady progression sloping downward. I can see the valleys progressing downward and the peaks are as well. So My highest mountain peak was reached 3 weeks ago since I started working out on Wii, I had one peak come mighty close. The second highest peaks on mountain ranges do not make the cut there can only be one highest peak. I have one highest peak the rest are smaller in size. My valleys are getting deeper than the ones before.
If you don't understand what I am saying it is this..... I am successful! I have a downward trend of progress happening! On an even clearer picture I can paint for you, I have lost 6 1/2 lbs in the last 20 days! I may not be successful on my 2 week goals so far, but I am heading in a downward succesful pattern to hit the goal! Jumping up and down! Moving and shaking! Did you know that after 25 minutes of exercise, your mood improves, you are less stressed, you have more energy and you will be more motivated to exercise again tomorrow? Get out there and start moving!
My success would be the result of a downward trend; weight loss!
On Wii there are all kinds of graphs and charts. On each exercise there is the top 10 scores and when you beat your own best score or hit the #1 spot it cheers you on and you feel sucessful. There are also charts to see what type of exercises you are doing each day, how long you work in those catagories. There are charts for other things as well but the #1 graph I spend time on is the graph that charts my weight. Oh how badly I want to see it going in a downward trend.
I realize weight loss is a battle of tweeking this or that to be successful and getting into a healthy lifestyle that becomes a natural patten in your life. I am realizing also how much tweeking needs to be done. I think I know and understand exactly what to do yet my graph is not displaying this.
Wii allows you to set goals and a time frame for those goals. I so far have been setting my goals in 2 week increments expecting to lose 3.5 lbs. Wii says I should set it at 2 lbs as that is the healthier thing to do. I don't want to listen because I want more than that! 1lb a week would take me 3 years to hit my target weight...I don't think I can handle waiting that long! So I set goals of 3.5 lbs every 2 weeks, I have yet to be successful. I feel it is a reasonable goal , but I have yet to have a stamp on the 2 week calander that shows success. Hum, I am actually wondering what Wii does to celebrate that with you.
Anyway, I started looking at my weight loss graph, I actually am addicted to my graph! I stare at it as if to manipulate it to read something else. I have had times when I wanted to throw the controller at the TV and yell profanities at it. I have sat and laughed in disbelief. I have wondered if the Wii scale is inaccurate and re weighed myself. It lets you select at the beginning how heavy your cloths might be, I have thought about choosing the heavier just to see 2 lbs difference. I have gotten off the scale frustrated at what I see and run upstairs go to the bathroom and come back and weigh myself again. A little bit of pee doesn't weigh very much by the way, only a few onces. So lying to myself wont help, Wii places it all out on the line for me to see. My own personal trainer.
I have started to look at my graph differently this last week as it has been 1 week since I quit my job to really focus on this task I have before me. My graph has so many up and down lines to it , I am thinking I am drawing a silhoutee picture of the Sawtooth Mountains ( they're in Idaho and very sharp peaks and valley's hence the name sawtooth) My graph jumps up and down all over the place. In the matter of one day I can loose 2 lbs (yippee) and the next couple days gain 3 lbs back- uggh! Up, down, up and down it goes. I get excited, frustrated and discouraged so I found myself staring at the graph wondering what am I doing wrong? Why oh why can't I see a drawing of a downhill ski jump on my graph instead? (without the jump of course- just the downhill)
Well, as I sit and stare at it, I realized something; there is progress sitting there before my eyes to see. I just had to change how I was looking at it. Instead of focusing on the ups and downs there is a steady progression sloping downward. I can see the valleys progressing downward and the peaks are as well. So My highest mountain peak was reached 3 weeks ago since I started working out on Wii, I had one peak come mighty close. The second highest peaks on mountain ranges do not make the cut there can only be one highest peak. I have one highest peak the rest are smaller in size. My valleys are getting deeper than the ones before.
If you don't understand what I am saying it is this..... I am successful! I have a downward trend of progress happening! On an even clearer picture I can paint for you, I have lost 6 1/2 lbs in the last 20 days! I may not be successful on my 2 week goals so far, but I am heading in a downward succesful pattern to hit the goal! Jumping up and down! Moving and shaking! Did you know that after 25 minutes of exercise, your mood improves, you are less stressed, you have more energy and you will be more motivated to exercise again tomorrow? Get out there and start moving!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Change in the tide.
Changes won't happen if I just keep repeating the same thing over and over and I want results...therefore I need to change. I read this quote today: Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore - Andre Gide
Yesterday, I quit my job. Whew and I feel such relief! I have contemplated it for awhile but was lacking confidence in myself to make a change.I love the friends and people I work with! I worked for a company that is truely amazing. Not many companies out there like this one! They have high standards, take good care of employees, give back to people in need, have a great product and has a high ethics and integrity. So why quit? My job was not very fullfiling. I did not like what I was doing and was really not a good fit for me. Do i know what is a good fit?...not yet.
I have been able to figure this out though, because I was so unhappy in my job it was affecting my overall health. I have battled depression, anxiety attacks, stomache issues and I would get very overwhelmed of the thought that I needed to change but have lacked confidence in myself to do so.I have missed a bunch of days at work and then get frustrated that I was so weak to get myself out of bed and just go.I would force myself to be stronger and then the whole cycle breaks down out of unhappiness that it became a vicious cycle. All those symptoms I have been suffering are not benefitting me towards weight loss either. It is a horrible combination. Doing something you do not enjoy can wreck havack on your mind and body.
Now this choice of quiting work is not very fair to my husband in the financial end because now he will be caring that burden at least for a little while. I figured my health is more valuable then that right now. I need to take control and get it done. I need to remove factors right now that are not benefitting me because they are consumming me from focusing on what I really need in order to move forward.
I have had to many things in my life that I am trying to improve on, that working a little here and there on this or that seems to be getting me no where. To much juggling and mind shifts. I think my life has become somewhat like the game of Hop Scotch. I keep throwing the stone out to learn something new, yet not mastering it because I have to keep throwing the stone and it changes everything up again.I keep landing and jumping from one spot to another, I get a glimps that I can do it and then the stone is somewhere else and I have to rethink the whole thing. I am tired of feeling that way. Not ever really accomplishing anything just bits and pieces.
I am hopefully taking 6 mo to a year off to get the weight part in control which will give me confidence with an accomplishment and my appearance. I am looking forward to this. I do need to set a schedule up for myself as having this much time freedom could also become a bad thing. I failed today with day one. Before my daughter and i went to bed we talked about getting up at 7 and going to a near by park to walk. I tossed and turned all night, my head filled with how to get myself organized. I want this change to be a very successful change and very worth not working right now. So when 6:45 came I turned my alarm off thinking I need the sleep. I think I slept a total of 2 hours. If my daughter wakes up on time she will come make sure I am awake and we will be on track. LOL well, her alarm went off a half hour after mine, she knew I was still asleep so she went back to sleep. I woke at 8:30 she at 10:30. We made it to the park at 1 and it was blazing hot. I did challenge myself on a very steep path and then the more level walk around the park. So we walked 1 mile in the heat, not any shade so I was done!
So back to my beginning quote: I have courage to leave the shore and swim in the waters of change and discover what is ahead of me and it feels great! A stroke of courage in the right direction out to uncharted territory; at least for me.
Yesterday, I quit my job. Whew and I feel such relief! I have contemplated it for awhile but was lacking confidence in myself to make a change.I love the friends and people I work with! I worked for a company that is truely amazing. Not many companies out there like this one! They have high standards, take good care of employees, give back to people in need, have a great product and has a high ethics and integrity. So why quit? My job was not very fullfiling. I did not like what I was doing and was really not a good fit for me. Do i know what is a good fit?...not yet.
I have been able to figure this out though, because I was so unhappy in my job it was affecting my overall health. I have battled depression, anxiety attacks, stomache issues and I would get very overwhelmed of the thought that I needed to change but have lacked confidence in myself to do so.I have missed a bunch of days at work and then get frustrated that I was so weak to get myself out of bed and just go.I would force myself to be stronger and then the whole cycle breaks down out of unhappiness that it became a vicious cycle. All those symptoms I have been suffering are not benefitting me towards weight loss either. It is a horrible combination. Doing something you do not enjoy can wreck havack on your mind and body.
Now this choice of quiting work is not very fair to my husband in the financial end because now he will be caring that burden at least for a little while. I figured my health is more valuable then that right now. I need to take control and get it done. I need to remove factors right now that are not benefitting me because they are consumming me from focusing on what I really need in order to move forward.
I have had to many things in my life that I am trying to improve on, that working a little here and there on this or that seems to be getting me no where. To much juggling and mind shifts. I think my life has become somewhat like the game of Hop Scotch. I keep throwing the stone out to learn something new, yet not mastering it because I have to keep throwing the stone and it changes everything up again.I keep landing and jumping from one spot to another, I get a glimps that I can do it and then the stone is somewhere else and I have to rethink the whole thing. I am tired of feeling that way. Not ever really accomplishing anything just bits and pieces.
I am hopefully taking 6 mo to a year off to get the weight part in control which will give me confidence with an accomplishment and my appearance. I am looking forward to this. I do need to set a schedule up for myself as having this much time freedom could also become a bad thing. I failed today with day one. Before my daughter and i went to bed we talked about getting up at 7 and going to a near by park to walk. I tossed and turned all night, my head filled with how to get myself organized. I want this change to be a very successful change and very worth not working right now. So when 6:45 came I turned my alarm off thinking I need the sleep. I think I slept a total of 2 hours. If my daughter wakes up on time she will come make sure I am awake and we will be on track. LOL well, her alarm went off a half hour after mine, she knew I was still asleep so she went back to sleep. I woke at 8:30 she at 10:30. We made it to the park at 1 and it was blazing hot. I did challenge myself on a very steep path and then the more level walk around the park. So we walked 1 mile in the heat, not any shade so I was done!
So back to my beginning quote: I have courage to leave the shore and swim in the waters of change and discover what is ahead of me and it feels great! A stroke of courage in the right direction out to uncharted territory; at least for me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Facing Fear
I started out with my first thought about this blog being about what gives me inspiration and hope to become better than I am. The reason I struggle with this question is because I have answers for what inspires me yet I am not successful.
My inspirations and hope have come from seeing others succeed at this big job of losing alot of weight. If they can do it that means it isn't impossible. I am one who likes a challenge even when it seems overwhelming. Yet when it comes to many aspects of my life, I do not feel very successful at anything. I go through ups and downs being inspired. When it comes to my weight loss the biggest inspiration has come thru watching the show the Biggest Loser. I get a look at what their life is like before hand, sitting afraid and unable to motivate themselves to move. Their lives resemble my own life. I watch them cry and work hard to make changes and a transformation takes place before my eyes and it gives me hope. Makes me realize it is a matter of making some changes. I see also what their life becomes after losing weight. They are living! They are happier, healthier and sharing in activities with their friends, parents, spouses, and children. They are playing, swimming , hiking even cooking together. It is their lifestyle to enjoy each other in the adventure of healthy changes together.
As I thought on this and I am still processing more on these thoughts I realized a fear I have deep within me that is bubbling out to the surface. I have realized over time that I have a fear regarding these issues, but I have never taken the time to pin point what it is. I am now in tears realizing the fear and not sure how to move on past it to be successful, but I have too.
My fear is this: What if after losing all this weight the person that matters most in my life never says anything to acknowledge it, never says a word? Yes this person is my husband. The reason I fear this is because he is not one to notice changes or compliment them or anything. Nothing negative or positive. I have had great hair cuts where great lengths have been chopped off....not a word said. I have had my hair styled to fun flirty sexy styles, get all kinds of compliments from others, get all excited for him to see it.....not a word. I have gotten all dressed up, new clothes, makeup for a date with him which we hardly ever do...not a word. My kids will exclaim how nice I look, say wow mom you look amazing in his presence and still not a word. Not a glance, not a smile anything to say, wow you look beautiful!
When I was preparing for trying out for the Biggest Loser I had many visions of myself on the show. One vision I had was when the members in the last weeks would get to go out and have a makeover done. New hair, makeup, clothes the works! For me as a viewer it was a jaw dropping transformation. The show staff would arrange to surprise the cast members with a visit and the revealing of their new body to their families. I would weep every time! When I invisioned this makeover for myself I could see me in new stylish beautiful clothes. ( Right now my style is t-shirts in many colors, fancier are the ones that have collars and bottons, yet still t-shirts) I saw myself standing in front of a mirror admiring my new body, reflecting on the changes and hard work it took to transform what I was looking at. I feel sexy, beautiful and alive grinning from ear to ear. A door opens and there standing before me is my husband. I look at him in tears full of joy and pride at what I have been able to do, my arms stretched out as if to say look at this! A Vanna White move showing off the new me and can you believe this accomplishment and glowing over myself! My vision ends. My vision never has a response by him. He never says, wow! You look amazing! I knew you could do this!
I realize after thinking this through that it is because he never has shared such expressions with me. It is painful that I can not think of a single moment that sticks out that he has expressed how beautiful I look in his eyes. No compliments except about my cooking from time to time. I desire to be attractive to him and he tell me so. I have had my kids tell me I look good, my mom tell me how talented I am, my friends even male friends tell me what a beautiful person I am. Why doesn't my husband say these things? I am sure it is his personality and nothing personal towards me. It still hurts even though I know this of him. I figure it can't be me personally if others recognize these things in me and tell me so, but it is hard to believe when your spouse isn't saying it. We all want our spouse to adore us and let us know it.
Over the last couple years I have made many strides in my transformation. I have had many friends compliment me on the postive things they are seeing in me. How I carry myself with more energy, more confidence, a noticed attitude difference, I smile alot more and am physically changing with a tighter looking body. Granted I am still pretty fat , but all the changes are being noticed. But I get to a point I give up. The person I want to say something doesn't and it becomes a why do all this work if it doesn't change how he sees me? I have tried to convince myself it was because he sees me daily and it is harder to notice, but the people making the comments see me 5 days a week at work or 3-4 days a week at the gym and 1 day a week at church, they all notice and say something so why doesn't he? I guess he has always been like this, so why am I expecting something different? The main reason is I desire it, I want it, I need it.
I have thought that if I lose weight we would do more things together. I wouldn't be so embarrassing to be seen with. He would take me out more on dates. Not sure if that will happen, but based off of the past my fear is no. It isn't that this is really why we don't go out now, but it is the way my thoughts take me. He has never said anything to make me feel this way, but sometimes not saying anything at all leaves me to my own conclusion. I feel I am not worthy of this life I dream of, that I don't deserve to be taken out. I have had these thoughts for along time. I mean really; men like to take their beauty out and experience life with them showing them off to the world, right?
I now understand what I am so afraid of. I fear I will bust my butt and transform myself, but my husband will never say anything. He will never ackowledge my hard work, my new body, my new energy. My desire to be loved by him differently than what I have settled for and accepted as my life. I fear I will remain unnoticed by the one that matters most. Can I accept that if that is what really happens? can I do this for just me? When I get there and I am different, then what? Can I live this vision without him if he won't join me? I am realizing he is a home body, but I am not. I am as of now, because that is how we live. I am done sitting at home. I have missed out on things I have wanted to do waiting for him to join me. I have asked him to join me, but he always says no. In the past I ended out not doing things, because he won't go with me. I am learning it is ok to go ahead and venture out on my own. Well actually I have had my youngest take off on the adventures with me but soon she won't be here and I will have to go on my own. I want my life to be different and I can picture it. I just hope he will want to do these things with me. I have to play and have my adventures even if it is without him. I drather him live these things with me. Can I survive the changes without him saying you did good? You are strong? You are talented? You are beautiful? This is my fear; that he won't.
My inspirations and hope have come from seeing others succeed at this big job of losing alot of weight. If they can do it that means it isn't impossible. I am one who likes a challenge even when it seems overwhelming. Yet when it comes to many aspects of my life, I do not feel very successful at anything. I go through ups and downs being inspired. When it comes to my weight loss the biggest inspiration has come thru watching the show the Biggest Loser. I get a look at what their life is like before hand, sitting afraid and unable to motivate themselves to move. Their lives resemble my own life. I watch them cry and work hard to make changes and a transformation takes place before my eyes and it gives me hope. Makes me realize it is a matter of making some changes. I see also what their life becomes after losing weight. They are living! They are happier, healthier and sharing in activities with their friends, parents, spouses, and children. They are playing, swimming , hiking even cooking together. It is their lifestyle to enjoy each other in the adventure of healthy changes together.
As I thought on this and I am still processing more on these thoughts I realized a fear I have deep within me that is bubbling out to the surface. I have realized over time that I have a fear regarding these issues, but I have never taken the time to pin point what it is. I am now in tears realizing the fear and not sure how to move on past it to be successful, but I have too.
My fear is this: What if after losing all this weight the person that matters most in my life never says anything to acknowledge it, never says a word? Yes this person is my husband. The reason I fear this is because he is not one to notice changes or compliment them or anything. Nothing negative or positive. I have had great hair cuts where great lengths have been chopped off....not a word said. I have had my hair styled to fun flirty sexy styles, get all kinds of compliments from others, get all excited for him to see it.....not a word. I have gotten all dressed up, new clothes, makeup for a date with him which we hardly ever do...not a word. My kids will exclaim how nice I look, say wow mom you look amazing in his presence and still not a word. Not a glance, not a smile anything to say, wow you look beautiful!
When I was preparing for trying out for the Biggest Loser I had many visions of myself on the show. One vision I had was when the members in the last weeks would get to go out and have a makeover done. New hair, makeup, clothes the works! For me as a viewer it was a jaw dropping transformation. The show staff would arrange to surprise the cast members with a visit and the revealing of their new body to their families. I would weep every time! When I invisioned this makeover for myself I could see me in new stylish beautiful clothes. ( Right now my style is t-shirts in many colors, fancier are the ones that have collars and bottons, yet still t-shirts) I saw myself standing in front of a mirror admiring my new body, reflecting on the changes and hard work it took to transform what I was looking at. I feel sexy, beautiful and alive grinning from ear to ear. A door opens and there standing before me is my husband. I look at him in tears full of joy and pride at what I have been able to do, my arms stretched out as if to say look at this! A Vanna White move showing off the new me and can you believe this accomplishment and glowing over myself! My vision ends. My vision never has a response by him. He never says, wow! You look amazing! I knew you could do this!
I realize after thinking this through that it is because he never has shared such expressions with me. It is painful that I can not think of a single moment that sticks out that he has expressed how beautiful I look in his eyes. No compliments except about my cooking from time to time. I desire to be attractive to him and he tell me so. I have had my kids tell me I look good, my mom tell me how talented I am, my friends even male friends tell me what a beautiful person I am. Why doesn't my husband say these things? I am sure it is his personality and nothing personal towards me. It still hurts even though I know this of him. I figure it can't be me personally if others recognize these things in me and tell me so, but it is hard to believe when your spouse isn't saying it. We all want our spouse to adore us and let us know it.
Over the last couple years I have made many strides in my transformation. I have had many friends compliment me on the postive things they are seeing in me. How I carry myself with more energy, more confidence, a noticed attitude difference, I smile alot more and am physically changing with a tighter looking body. Granted I am still pretty fat , but all the changes are being noticed. But I get to a point I give up. The person I want to say something doesn't and it becomes a why do all this work if it doesn't change how he sees me? I have tried to convince myself it was because he sees me daily and it is harder to notice, but the people making the comments see me 5 days a week at work or 3-4 days a week at the gym and 1 day a week at church, they all notice and say something so why doesn't he? I guess he has always been like this, so why am I expecting something different? The main reason is I desire it, I want it, I need it.
I have thought that if I lose weight we would do more things together. I wouldn't be so embarrassing to be seen with. He would take me out more on dates. Not sure if that will happen, but based off of the past my fear is no. It isn't that this is really why we don't go out now, but it is the way my thoughts take me. He has never said anything to make me feel this way, but sometimes not saying anything at all leaves me to my own conclusion. I feel I am not worthy of this life I dream of, that I don't deserve to be taken out. I have had these thoughts for along time. I mean really; men like to take their beauty out and experience life with them showing them off to the world, right?
I now understand what I am so afraid of. I fear I will bust my butt and transform myself, but my husband will never say anything. He will never ackowledge my hard work, my new body, my new energy. My desire to be loved by him differently than what I have settled for and accepted as my life. I fear I will remain unnoticed by the one that matters most. Can I accept that if that is what really happens? can I do this for just me? When I get there and I am different, then what? Can I live this vision without him if he won't join me? I am realizing he is a home body, but I am not. I am as of now, because that is how we live. I am done sitting at home. I have missed out on things I have wanted to do waiting for him to join me. I have asked him to join me, but he always says no. In the past I ended out not doing things, because he won't go with me. I am learning it is ok to go ahead and venture out on my own. Well actually I have had my youngest take off on the adventures with me but soon she won't be here and I will have to go on my own. I want my life to be different and I can picture it. I just hope he will want to do these things with me. I have to play and have my adventures even if it is without him. I drather him live these things with me. Can I survive the changes without him saying you did good? You are strong? You are talented? You are beautiful? This is my fear; that he won't.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Mii and Wii
About a month ago, I lost my full time status at work and also lost one of my benefits that I loved. It was one that helped to pay for my Gym Membership. The gym is kind of an expensive one, but was very much worth it, wonderful people and nice facilities, but on my own I can not afford it anymore. I had to rethink how I was going to get my exercising done. It was a hard choice to cancel, because I have had lots of encouragement from the trainers there. The trainers taught me well and there are things I can do at home. I bought a yoga ball, resistant band, barbells, yoga mat and Wii Fit Plus, Wii Biggest Loser, Wii Sports and Jillians 30 day shred! I still want to get a bosu ball and a 6-8 lbs medicine ball.
I worried most about getting cardio in as I really hate the cardio. I had to push myself at the gym with cardio, because I know it is important in weight loss so it had to be done. At the gym I walked on the tredmill and learned to challenge myself on that. Cardio at home I was thinking was going to be a challenge. I love strength and balance exercises best.
Almost two weeks ago I started working out on the Wii and have logged 10 + hours on it in that time so far. I am actually sweating more than I did at the gym. I have always thought sweat was disgusting! Even though I have learned that sweating is a good thing when you are trying to lose weight , but I still find it gross. I am thinking that when I was at the gym I was so self conscious of sweating to much or breathing to hard that I did not push myself as hard in fear of what people thought. At home it does not matter! I am working harder!
I like the competitive me! I push to exceed my latest score or beat my speed on the various exercises on Wii. I am working out longer than an hour at a time now. When I start sweating I push myself longer to keep it sweating. Gross I know, but it is a positive just the same. At the gym, I was getting bored and had to push myself to stay there at least an hour. I am enjoying that I can do this at home now and longer than I anticiapted. I am excited that I am making myself do this at home, because I truely thought I would flake out on myself. In this little bit of time I am starting to feel the energy level increase. I am improving on my skills of speed, endurance, and balance.
The body is an amazing piece of art. No matter how much you weigh, in just a very short period of time, when you feed it right and exercise, your body says thank you! What an amazing God! The creator of these bodies, His design with a purpose!
I know I am just beginning here to do what I need to do, but I feel the courage to continue is strong. Good things are happening with this body, mind and spirit.
I worried most about getting cardio in as I really hate the cardio. I had to push myself at the gym with cardio, because I know it is important in weight loss so it had to be done. At the gym I walked on the tredmill and learned to challenge myself on that. Cardio at home I was thinking was going to be a challenge. I love strength and balance exercises best.
Almost two weeks ago I started working out on the Wii and have logged 10 + hours on it in that time so far. I am actually sweating more than I did at the gym. I have always thought sweat was disgusting! Even though I have learned that sweating is a good thing when you are trying to lose weight , but I still find it gross. I am thinking that when I was at the gym I was so self conscious of sweating to much or breathing to hard that I did not push myself as hard in fear of what people thought. At home it does not matter! I am working harder!
I like the competitive me! I push to exceed my latest score or beat my speed on the various exercises on Wii. I am working out longer than an hour at a time now. When I start sweating I push myself longer to keep it sweating. Gross I know, but it is a positive just the same. At the gym, I was getting bored and had to push myself to stay there at least an hour. I am enjoying that I can do this at home now and longer than I anticiapted. I am excited that I am making myself do this at home, because I truely thought I would flake out on myself. In this little bit of time I am starting to feel the energy level increase. I am improving on my skills of speed, endurance, and balance.
The body is an amazing piece of art. No matter how much you weigh, in just a very short period of time, when you feed it right and exercise, your body says thank you! What an amazing God! The creator of these bodies, His design with a purpose!
I know I am just beginning here to do what I need to do, but I feel the courage to continue is strong. Good things are happening with this body, mind and spirit.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
even baby steps are better than no steps
I think I have shared how easily I get frustrated with myself. The visual changes would seem more real, maybe because it would be a daily reminder looking in the mirror that all I am working for is there changing before my eyes. Instead, I have changes happening with endurance, energy, strength, balance, and coordination. These are things you can't see. Only I can feel them and I know where I was and how far I have come and am happy about these changes, but the frustration happens because I don't look at myself and see anything different. That is painful and I am tearing up as I say this. I have such a hard time excepting myself. I am reading a book called Captivating and although I have just started: it is showing me that I have a design with a purpose. I don't want to wait till the end to see if it helps direct me out of my lost state, because yet again I want to understand me now!
This NOW business is so deeply bred into our culture, food now, results now, me now it goes on and on. Culture has lost out on patience. I have fallen into that trap. I had a friend tell me about a year and a half ago that this change will take time. This did not happen over night so take the steps of changing and over time results start showing themselves. If you don't change you get the same results, you have to change to get different results.
I have made some big changes in my diet and exercise over the last 2 years and yes, I have changed. I also mess up and do everything against what I know I have to do.I give up on myself from time to time, but now I recognize it and am not afraid now to make changes. I posted something today on facebook that triggered what I was going to write about today, because it made me deal with my frustrations. Sometimes we don't finish things the way we invisioned it, but don't give up. 2 years ago I thought I would be way further along than I am. I have to remember that each step forward is a step in completing the goal. You can still get it done! I can still get it done! You don't have to come in first place, you win by moving forward and finishing. Even if it takes more time than you thought it should, keep pressing on. I am worth it...at least I am trying to tell myself that. Another thing to work on. If I had stopped doing everything towards my goal 6 months ago, I would be the same I was 6 months ago. I have changed and progress continues...my baby steps have mattered at getting me in the right direction. Now I must press onward. Welcome to my exisitence
This NOW business is so deeply bred into our culture, food now, results now, me now it goes on and on. Culture has lost out on patience. I have fallen into that trap. I had a friend tell me about a year and a half ago that this change will take time. This did not happen over night so take the steps of changing and over time results start showing themselves. If you don't change you get the same results, you have to change to get different results.
I have made some big changes in my diet and exercise over the last 2 years and yes, I have changed. I also mess up and do everything against what I know I have to do.I give up on myself from time to time, but now I recognize it and am not afraid now to make changes. I posted something today on facebook that triggered what I was going to write about today, because it made me deal with my frustrations. Sometimes we don't finish things the way we invisioned it, but don't give up. 2 years ago I thought I would be way further along than I am. I have to remember that each step forward is a step in completing the goal. You can still get it done! I can still get it done! You don't have to come in first place, you win by moving forward and finishing. Even if it takes more time than you thought it should, keep pressing on. I am worth it...at least I am trying to tell myself that. Another thing to work on. If I had stopped doing everything towards my goal 6 months ago, I would be the same I was 6 months ago. I have changed and progress continues...my baby steps have mattered at getting me in the right direction. Now I must press onward. Welcome to my exisitence
Monday, August 9, 2010
Hurting yet Moving
Today was overall a good day...except for my back hurting...kinda badly...I am moving stiffly, slowly, wincing, but some how I was able to exercise. My back pain happened, due to not being able to walk down the stairs properly....Yesterday I slipped, heels out from under me and took a strong jolt vibration to the back. Now you would ask with such pain happening how was it a good day? I am trying to be postive, but the good factors would be these: 1) I started my Food Diary and Exercise log today! 2) I was able to find exercises that did not hurt to badly and worked out on Wii for 2 hours and burned 702 calories...woot woot! 3) I ate all my meals as healthy meals and proper serving sizes. It helps having good food in the house and not out driving around hungry. Car + hunger = bad results...(drive thru happens).
Why I feel so good about today is that even though I am in pain and moving slow, my mind over powered the pain and I made a no excuses that I would do something to move and burn calories today. I missed work and not sure I will make it tomorrow, will see how the advil works. The pain has intensified as the evening wares on. Maybe I over did it with the injury.
I struggle with myself to get and stay motivated. I can think of a zillion things that should keep me motivated and for some reason they get lost in the thought process of just going through the motions. Health reasons, family, enjoying life, dreams and many things in between the lines that should motivate me. How come I have such a hard time keeping those in front of me? I know how good it feels to exercise...I love the happy endorphines that kick in the energy levels. I have experienced that feeling several times in my life over the last couple years. If it feels so good why do I stop? Who would not desire that feeling of being so alive and strong? I need to figure this out. It is a matter of life and death!
Note to self: make a vision board to look at daily for motivation.
Shake what your momma gave you and feel that happy endorphines take over!
Why I feel so good about today is that even though I am in pain and moving slow, my mind over powered the pain and I made a no excuses that I would do something to move and burn calories today. I missed work and not sure I will make it tomorrow, will see how the advil works. The pain has intensified as the evening wares on. Maybe I over did it with the injury.
I struggle with myself to get and stay motivated. I can think of a zillion things that should keep me motivated and for some reason they get lost in the thought process of just going through the motions. Health reasons, family, enjoying life, dreams and many things in between the lines that should motivate me. How come I have such a hard time keeping those in front of me? I know how good it feels to exercise...I love the happy endorphines that kick in the energy levels. I have experienced that feeling several times in my life over the last couple years. If it feels so good why do I stop? Who would not desire that feeling of being so alive and strong? I need to figure this out. It is a matter of life and death!
Note to self: make a vision board to look at daily for motivation.
Shake what your momma gave you and feel that happy endorphines take over!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
One of Many Steps
Today was a good day! I accomplished the first step in one of many goals I will be setting forth. This is where the "Logistics" of my blog title comes in to play. The whats of getting to the goal.
I have to start out though in all honesty about yesterday and the day before....they were rotten days. For some aweful reason the last 2 days I have been eating all the wrong things. Last night...was Panda. Sure they have some vegi's I could have chose from...but did I ?...NO! How did I feel afterwards?.... like a giant blob of lard. My stomache hurt so bad. I am thinking that my choices over the last couple days are reminding me about all the aweful choices I have made in the past...and repeating them in the last couple days, so I remember how horrible it feels to eat food that is not the best choices.
K, enough said about the bad and the ugly...time to move forward to today and look at the good!
One thing I have shared is that I would love to be getting into and on top of the mountains, hiking and enjoying the scenery. Today, I did the first hike! It was a mile hike. Granted it was probably one of the easiest hikes one could do in the mountains, as many would call it a walk, but with this weight of mine at 8500 feet above sea level....I did have a couple moments I was huffing and puffing. Did I enjoy it? Hell yes! It was a cool day up at the higher elevations as it was raining off and on. I did enjoy the smells. I love the smell of damp pine needles on the forest floor, camp fires and rain. It was a good day! I am glad it was cooler weather, because I totaly forgot about the possiblity of needing bug spray and if the weather would have been nicer, I would have been eaten alive. Me and bugs do not get along! It was a marshy grass border around the lake, so yikes if it had been nicer. (I did get a few bites just so ya know)
Even though the weather did not look good, I was happy, because I was able to bypass the excuse I could have used and went for it! Another issue I have to over come...excuses that I lay before myself to not push myself to go for it.
I was talking to a friend this week and he suggested I make a plan each week and write it down! He had a friend who had lost alot of weight and a key factor for him was to make a plan each week of how to make your goals come to life! He spent about 2 hours on Sundays writing it all down. I started on that key today. I have more work at focusing on the how, but I also included a shopping list as a how factor. I wrote down only healthy choices! And I shopped it! This week I need to start logging what I eat so I can see the calories I am taking in. I have a great web site http://www.livestrong.com/ which I have used off and on to log a food diary. It counts calories and exercise! I need to get back at that! Another thing to be accountable for. So, I ask someone to please ask me if I started logging my food this next week..OK?!
Step one of many to come, accomplished today and I feel good! Better than yesterday and the day before! Making steps towards health one step at a time even if it is all uphill!
I have to start out though in all honesty about yesterday and the day before....they were rotten days. For some aweful reason the last 2 days I have been eating all the wrong things. Last night...was Panda. Sure they have some vegi's I could have chose from...but did I ?...NO! How did I feel afterwards?.... like a giant blob of lard. My stomache hurt so bad. I am thinking that my choices over the last couple days are reminding me about all the aweful choices I have made in the past...and repeating them in the last couple days, so I remember how horrible it feels to eat food that is not the best choices.
K, enough said about the bad and the ugly...time to move forward to today and look at the good!
One thing I have shared is that I would love to be getting into and on top of the mountains, hiking and enjoying the scenery. Today, I did the first hike! It was a mile hike. Granted it was probably one of the easiest hikes one could do in the mountains, as many would call it a walk, but with this weight of mine at 8500 feet above sea level....I did have a couple moments I was huffing and puffing. Did I enjoy it? Hell yes! It was a cool day up at the higher elevations as it was raining off and on. I did enjoy the smells. I love the smell of damp pine needles on the forest floor, camp fires and rain. It was a good day! I am glad it was cooler weather, because I totaly forgot about the possiblity of needing bug spray and if the weather would have been nicer, I would have been eaten alive. Me and bugs do not get along! It was a marshy grass border around the lake, so yikes if it had been nicer. (I did get a few bites just so ya know)
Even though the weather did not look good, I was happy, because I was able to bypass the excuse I could have used and went for it! Another issue I have to over come...excuses that I lay before myself to not push myself to go for it.
I was talking to a friend this week and he suggested I make a plan each week and write it down! He had a friend who had lost alot of weight and a key factor for him was to make a plan each week of how to make your goals come to life! He spent about 2 hours on Sundays writing it all down. I started on that key today. I have more work at focusing on the how, but I also included a shopping list as a how factor. I wrote down only healthy choices! And I shopped it! This week I need to start logging what I eat so I can see the calories I am taking in. I have a great web site http://www.livestrong.com/ which I have used off and on to log a food diary. It counts calories and exercise! I need to get back at that! Another thing to be accountable for. So, I ask someone to please ask me if I started logging my food this next week..OK?!
Step one of many to come, accomplished today and I feel good! Better than yesterday and the day before! Making steps towards health one step at a time even if it is all uphill!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
How did I get so Lost?
I was thinking today that at some point in my life I lost myself. I am not sure when that happened. There isn't really any one moment in my life that could answer that. Being able to realize how lost I am is a start toward changing.That's a good thing! It isn't that I have not enjoyed many aspects of my life so far, I think I have had a wonderful life, but I have done more watching then participating. My husband and kids are truely wonderful and have huge caring, loving hearts. I think a big part of being lost right now is I have taken care of others and now I am pretty much alone. Maybe it is the weight gain that played the biggest part into me being lost. Why did I not recognize this 20 years ago, 10 years ago or the beginning of the biggest weight gain?
I know some people make changes when a drastic life event happens with their health. I guess as I am creeping up on years and I realize the potential of a life altering health event could happen and that frightens me. I need to change before that happens...I don't handle pressure very well, so I better do this before a Dr is tending to me. I have shed enough tears over these issues and I am sure there will be more.
It is hard for me to zoom in on my own desires. Somewhere I put in my head I am not worthy to live my desires. I had settled on who I have become. Being this lost means that I can't even see myself anymore.I look in the mirror and cry because I don't recognize myself and don't like the outward person I see.I am learning to see parts of who I would like to be. I do know that I am strong and love a challenge. I am finding Wii fun to workout with because of the challenge of beating my scores or the high score accomplished by someone else. I do it over and over until that is accomplished. Today I did some new things on Wii and pushed myself harder than I have yet and was actually in a hard breathing dripping sweat for almost 20 minutes of the 45. I was still sweating, but it slowed down...hey your supposed to do a cool down right? My daughter even yelled down the stairs asking if I was ok because she could hear me breathing really hard..yikes!
Anyway, I am in the persuit of finding out what makes me tick and what will motivate me to keep going. I guess setting some goals and writing them down would be a good start, ha ha.
I love the mountains and within 15 minutes I can be at a trail head and start hiking. I have looked up some easy local hikes and hopefully weather provided I will attempt one this weekend. I guess I need to figure out some of my goals and post them for you all to read. That would be the only way I can be held accountable. So I will think about those and get them posted. For now a hike is in order! I am tired of being in the valley looking up wishing I was in or on top of the mountains. I look at other peoples pictures they post from weekend hikes and my heart longs to be up there looking at the view from up high! It will be a hard up hill climb to get to the top, but oh the glorious feeling of accomplishments are right around the next bend. Keep moving and stay healthy.
I know some people make changes when a drastic life event happens with their health. I guess as I am creeping up on years and I realize the potential of a life altering health event could happen and that frightens me. I need to change before that happens...I don't handle pressure very well, so I better do this before a Dr is tending to me. I have shed enough tears over these issues and I am sure there will be more.
It is hard for me to zoom in on my own desires. Somewhere I put in my head I am not worthy to live my desires. I had settled on who I have become. Being this lost means that I can't even see myself anymore.I look in the mirror and cry because I don't recognize myself and don't like the outward person I see.I am learning to see parts of who I would like to be. I do know that I am strong and love a challenge. I am finding Wii fun to workout with because of the challenge of beating my scores or the high score accomplished by someone else. I do it over and over until that is accomplished. Today I did some new things on Wii and pushed myself harder than I have yet and was actually in a hard breathing dripping sweat for almost 20 minutes of the 45. I was still sweating, but it slowed down...hey your supposed to do a cool down right? My daughter even yelled down the stairs asking if I was ok because she could hear me breathing really hard..yikes!
Anyway, I am in the persuit of finding out what makes me tick and what will motivate me to keep going. I guess setting some goals and writing them down would be a good start, ha ha.
I love the mountains and within 15 minutes I can be at a trail head and start hiking. I have looked up some easy local hikes and hopefully weather provided I will attempt one this weekend. I guess I need to figure out some of my goals and post them for you all to read. That would be the only way I can be held accountable. So I will think about those and get them posted. For now a hike is in order! I am tired of being in the valley looking up wishing I was in or on top of the mountains. I look at other peoples pictures they post from weekend hikes and my heart longs to be up there looking at the view from up high! It will be a hard up hill climb to get to the top, but oh the glorious feeling of accomplishments are right around the next bend. Keep moving and stay healthy.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Whose schedule is this anyway?
One would think the day after bearing my soul to all the world I would keep my focus,at least for a day right? .....OMG - Fail, Fail, Fail! These are the things that set me into a "what are you doing to yourself Lisa"! Why can you not stay focused? I really need to post some motivating comments in my car because the drive thru called my name today and I did not resist. I love Tacos! oooh and churos..yummy hot fried bread with cinnamon!
I realized after I got home and gobbled down 3 tacos....and 2 churos that many of my bad moments are associated with being alone. There is a pattern of loneliness which we all know can become boredom. I eat when I am alone and bored...hum. Ok , so I guess that means I need to find things I enjoy and can do with or without a friend so I do not find myself in that position as often.
Today started with great intentions, but when I made my plan I forgot about my daughter and her plans. LOL! As I was showering I made a plan for myself. Was it on paper- no, it was in my head. I shared it with my daughter when she got up so it was out there and revealed. I had a healthy breakfast and was finishing up my facebook reading and posting. I was going to do some art work and go downstairs and workout for an hour. Afterwards, I was going to do some reading, more art work and then workout again for an hour. A nice pleasant day. I had my hair in a pony tail, shorts on and ready to do my thing. Well I expressed my schedule so my daughter would know what to expect out of me for the day. Opps..she reminded me we have to go to the phone store as her phone is having issues. Man, now I have to change clothes and my morning plans are shot. We spent an hour out and while we were at the store she also made plans to hang out with a friend. I drop her off and oh no, now I am alone...in my car......hungry.......I love tacos!
Now I have to wait for some Digestion to take place so I did get some reading in. Then my husband came home way earlier than expected which was about the time I was ready to workout. But now I have someone to talk to so we talk for a bit...then I head downstairs to finally workout...the batteries are low on the Wii and won't let me do anything- FAIL!
This day is no where near the plan I had set this morning. Now I have to change cloths again- I think I mentioned I do not go out in publkic with shorts on. Head out to Target to get batteries, pick up my daughter and back home again...can I please workout now?!
Yes! My husband said he would make dinner while I workout..but he had it ready before I was done so I got a 40 minute workout in, (20 minutes shy of my minimum). Also...anyone know how accurate the weigh in on Wii is, I gained 3 lbs since Monday..how is that possible? I am suppose to be losing and how exciting would that have been if it was a 3lbs loss in 2 days! Now that is the day I look forward too!
I realized after I got home and gobbled down 3 tacos....and 2 churos that many of my bad moments are associated with being alone. There is a pattern of loneliness which we all know can become boredom. I eat when I am alone and bored...hum. Ok , so I guess that means I need to find things I enjoy and can do with or without a friend so I do not find myself in that position as often.
Today started with great intentions, but when I made my plan I forgot about my daughter and her plans. LOL! As I was showering I made a plan for myself. Was it on paper- no, it was in my head. I shared it with my daughter when she got up so it was out there and revealed. I had a healthy breakfast and was finishing up my facebook reading and posting. I was going to do some art work and go downstairs and workout for an hour. Afterwards, I was going to do some reading, more art work and then workout again for an hour. A nice pleasant day. I had my hair in a pony tail, shorts on and ready to do my thing. Well I expressed my schedule so my daughter would know what to expect out of me for the day. Opps..she reminded me we have to go to the phone store as her phone is having issues. Man, now I have to change clothes and my morning plans are shot. We spent an hour out and while we were at the store she also made plans to hang out with a friend. I drop her off and oh no, now I am alone...in my car......hungry.......I love tacos!
Now I have to wait for some Digestion to take place so I did get some reading in. Then my husband came home way earlier than expected which was about the time I was ready to workout. But now I have someone to talk to so we talk for a bit...then I head downstairs to finally workout...the batteries are low on the Wii and won't let me do anything- FAIL!
This day is no where near the plan I had set this morning. Now I have to change cloths again- I think I mentioned I do not go out in publkic with shorts on. Head out to Target to get batteries, pick up my daughter and back home again...can I please workout now?!
Yes! My husband said he would make dinner while I workout..but he had it ready before I was done so I got a 40 minute workout in, (20 minutes shy of my minimum). Also...anyone know how accurate the weigh in on Wii is, I gained 3 lbs since Monday..how is that possible? I am suppose to be losing and how exciting would that have been if it was a 3lbs loss in 2 days! Now that is the day I look forward too!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The history that leads to the beginning...
I am going to be blogging about my life changing to a healthier me as I change how I eat and what I will be doing for exercise. I have a large amount of weight to lose 150+ lbs. There will be many days of excitement and frustration. It is the beginning of a metamorphosis and before I get started I need to share some history of how I have gotten to this place.
I have been over weight 28 years of my 50 years living. Yes, I am 50! I started gaining weight when I first got married. For most of those 28 years even though I put on pounds I have felt healthy. Prior to getting married I was living alone and way out in the country. I had a labor intensive job which was a workout in itself. After work being I lived alone instead of feeling lonely I would drive into town to a gym and workout for 2-3 hrs before I went home each night. I also played softball for about 8 years. When my husband and I decided to get married I had to change jobs because we worked at the same place and it was against policy for us to be in the same department. I went to a job where I sat all day. I also quit working out because i was no longer lonely and had someone to share my after work hours with. and with time I slowly quit playing softball as well. Now as you can see, all the things I was doing that kept me in shape had now disappeared. I did not realize how much my daily life was benefiting me that way. After all it was work and what I did in my down time that kept me in shape, not something I was doing on purpose to stay healthy. As the pounds crept up I gained them evenly all over my body so it took awhile for me to notice. My husband never said anything to me so after a couple of years, boom! I was 60 pounds heavier than when we got married.
Another factor that played into all the weight gain was that we moved around alot getting transfered with my husbands job moving in and out of several states all the while also having children. Having little ones in places you don't know a soul created a world that I was not able to create lasting deep friendships. My life was the children. I have 4 amazing kids and except for one they are all grown up attending college now and not living at home. Two live in other states.My husband traveled alot during that time and it was like I was a single parent for much of their younger lives. During this time the drive thru was my friend. The kids were excited to eat out and I did not have to cook a meal. Fast food over took my eating habits, because it was easy. This was a very unhealthy cycle and hard to break.
Now forward fast to 2 years ago. Two events brought to my attention all the abuse I put on my body was now becoming a factor. In July 2008 celebrating the 4th of July at a big event involved alot of walking. I kept having to stop about every 50 yards to catch my breath. Looking back, it was not that far, but I was so out of shape just going around the block got me breathing hard. Later that same July we went on a family vacation that really opened my eyes has to how pathetic my health had become. We flew to Kiawah Island, South Carolina which is a wonderful beach get away. I started the trip with having to ask for the first time in my history for a seatbelt extension while on the flight. OMG how embarrassing! I had asked my youngest to sit with me on the plane so I would not intrude on a strangers space. When we were on the vacation, it was difficult to walk to the beach, play in the water, ride a bike and embarrassing to wear shorts and a swimming suit in public. Wow, what an eye opener to what I had become and unable to live life having fun, because now even fun was hard work! I needed to change or I was not going to live for very long.
I wanted to live and enjoy life! Even the simple pleasures became chores. I had taken care of everyone else but forgotten about myself. I was so depressed when we came back from that trip. The amount of work I needed to under take to make serious change was very overwhelming. I was incapable at that time to try and dive right in full speed as there were to many things I needed to change. I started with baby steps. NO more soda pop or fries at the drive thru. I also eliminated cheese out of my diet. I love cheese! I wished there was a quick fix but I have lived long enough to see what fads and surgery can do or should I say not do. I knew this was going to be a lifestyle change in order for me to be happy and successful...but how? I know what healthy eating is! I know how to exercise! Now putting it all together....I could not make the pieces fit. Small steps are frustrating, because I wanted results! Results were happening to slow. I will admit that some of my stomach issues subsided. I did not feel so ill all the time. I needed to make somemore changes so I quit the drive thru all together. These changes took place between August 2008 and Feb 2009 and with those changes I had lost 12 lbs. Now I needed to add another factor...exercise! Yikes, I can barely walk a block without feeling exhausted. I had been paying for a gym membership for almost 2 years and maybe had used it 8-10 times so far...time to put the money to use and actually go! On a Sunday in early March 2009 decided to go give it a try. I cried in the driveway getting ready to leave, this was a huge big step and I was scared. I drove there and teared up again in the gym parking lot. I am an emotional wreck! I went in and decided I would just walk to start. I lasted 15 minutes at a 1.9 speed and 0 incline. I was breathless! Pathetic! I did not want to go all the way to the gym for just a 15 minute walk, but I could not do anything else. I went in the locker room and cried. I had someone encourage me and tell me not to be so hard on myself, it was a beginning. I had done the hardest thing and that was walking in the door to get started. Two days later I went again and ran into a friend that worked at the gym and they got me signed up for a 3 days a week 1 hour sessions for 6 weeks class focused on weight loss. The first day, I cried again I was terrified. Was I going to be able to handle this? I did not want to hold others back in the class either. The class instructor was very good at setting me up at a pace I would be challenged with but not overwhelming me. After the first week I had improved so much and I realized ...I would not die exercising! I made it and was making progress!
After that class ended I was able to keep motivated and continued working out 3-4 days a week until about August and then I started to fizzle. I slowly went from 3-4 days a week to 6-8 days a month. In October I signed up for a 4 week 2 days a week Pilates class. I loved it! I could not do everything but I tried and felt muscles I did not know exsisted! After that class again I slowed down, it was holiday season and got over loaded with my time.
January 2010 - it is the time for new years resolutions and I needed to recommit in order to get this done. I started to go 3 days a week again and started talking with a trainer. In Febuary I signed up for him to help me. I only had enough money to pay for 6 weeks. I loved it! I met with him 2 days a week and started a food diary and learned so much! I lost 15 lbs in a few months yet I got frustrated, because I felt like I was working so hard! Why was the pounds not shedding faster?
May was fast approaching and my sons college graduation was going to take place. I had some goals; one being to not have to ask for a seatbelt extension on the flights, another to finally buy new pants and the other to be able to walk with my family without having to take breathing breaks. I went 2 weeks before graduation to try on pants...I cried in the dressing room. My pants size had not changed at all. I felt like I had lost inches as my other pants I was always yanking them up to prevent them from falling off. I could actually take them off without unzipping them. Why, why, why could I not fit into something smaller? I got so dang frustrated at that I questioned what the point of all the hard work was for, I was not shrinking in size. I quit going to the gym. I did have a great realization on the trip though. On 2 of the 4 flights to get to the graduation I did not need a seatbelt extension and the 2 I did need it was a difference of about an inch. I was so happy! I was able to walk around town with my family and enjoyed the trip even though I was wearing old pants.
Now we are into the last 2 weeks and I had a big path I thought was set before me and so much excitement occured! I saw a casting call watching "Losing it with Jillian" for the "Biggest Loser" flash across the TV. I had a couple trainers over the last year try to encourage me to sign up but I was scared to death of the idea. Well right when I saw the casting flash I knew my path was leading me to going on the show. I felt God was opening all the doors to make this happen. It was so easy and I was very calm and just knew I was going on the show. I had visions of working out on the show, encouarging my team mates, learning to cook healthy meals in the kitchen, even cried invisioning myself getting a make over and revealing the transformed me to my family! Another door I felt God opened was getting there and being #64 in line. They guarantee interviews with the first 500. I was escorted in with 8 people to a table and about 1.5 minutes to let them know who you are with their questions being asked, going around the table taking turns answering them. If we were noticed they would call us back for a second interview by late that night. I did not get the call. Now what? That was 3 days ago.
There is alot more between the lines and maybe I will share more as I blog, but this brings me to today. I am sorry to have such a lengthy beginning but the history has to be told to learn how to move forward. This is not only for you all to watch and learn my journey but for me to learn as well. I have to say that when I questioned why God took me with such ease into what I thought was really going to happen on the Biggest Loser and it didn't it made me think why? I saw the doors and path he had me go through were not really about the Biggest Loser but about me invisioning myself being successful at losing weight. He has given me the courage, strength and knowledge that I can do this. God wants us all to be balanced in many aspects of our lives, the mental, physical, emotional,spiritual and social parts. My weakest link is the physical. Here I go transforming before you all, metamorphosis taking place. I have some logistics of how I am going to get there. I am now accountable to all of you. Till tomorrow may we all be strong in what we need to do to be healthy.
I have been over weight 28 years of my 50 years living. Yes, I am 50! I started gaining weight when I first got married. For most of those 28 years even though I put on pounds I have felt healthy. Prior to getting married I was living alone and way out in the country. I had a labor intensive job which was a workout in itself. After work being I lived alone instead of feeling lonely I would drive into town to a gym and workout for 2-3 hrs before I went home each night. I also played softball for about 8 years. When my husband and I decided to get married I had to change jobs because we worked at the same place and it was against policy for us to be in the same department. I went to a job where I sat all day. I also quit working out because i was no longer lonely and had someone to share my after work hours with. and with time I slowly quit playing softball as well. Now as you can see, all the things I was doing that kept me in shape had now disappeared. I did not realize how much my daily life was benefiting me that way. After all it was work and what I did in my down time that kept me in shape, not something I was doing on purpose to stay healthy. As the pounds crept up I gained them evenly all over my body so it took awhile for me to notice. My husband never said anything to me so after a couple of years, boom! I was 60 pounds heavier than when we got married.
Another factor that played into all the weight gain was that we moved around alot getting transfered with my husbands job moving in and out of several states all the while also having children. Having little ones in places you don't know a soul created a world that I was not able to create lasting deep friendships. My life was the children. I have 4 amazing kids and except for one they are all grown up attending college now and not living at home. Two live in other states.My husband traveled alot during that time and it was like I was a single parent for much of their younger lives. During this time the drive thru was my friend. The kids were excited to eat out and I did not have to cook a meal. Fast food over took my eating habits, because it was easy. This was a very unhealthy cycle and hard to break.
Now forward fast to 2 years ago. Two events brought to my attention all the abuse I put on my body was now becoming a factor. In July 2008 celebrating the 4th of July at a big event involved alot of walking. I kept having to stop about every 50 yards to catch my breath. Looking back, it was not that far, but I was so out of shape just going around the block got me breathing hard. Later that same July we went on a family vacation that really opened my eyes has to how pathetic my health had become. We flew to Kiawah Island, South Carolina which is a wonderful beach get away. I started the trip with having to ask for the first time in my history for a seatbelt extension while on the flight. OMG how embarrassing! I had asked my youngest to sit with me on the plane so I would not intrude on a strangers space. When we were on the vacation, it was difficult to walk to the beach, play in the water, ride a bike and embarrassing to wear shorts and a swimming suit in public. Wow, what an eye opener to what I had become and unable to live life having fun, because now even fun was hard work! I needed to change or I was not going to live for very long.
I wanted to live and enjoy life! Even the simple pleasures became chores. I had taken care of everyone else but forgotten about myself. I was so depressed when we came back from that trip. The amount of work I needed to under take to make serious change was very overwhelming. I was incapable at that time to try and dive right in full speed as there were to many things I needed to change. I started with baby steps. NO more soda pop or fries at the drive thru. I also eliminated cheese out of my diet. I love cheese! I wished there was a quick fix but I have lived long enough to see what fads and surgery can do or should I say not do. I knew this was going to be a lifestyle change in order for me to be happy and successful...but how? I know what healthy eating is! I know how to exercise! Now putting it all together....I could not make the pieces fit. Small steps are frustrating, because I wanted results! Results were happening to slow. I will admit that some of my stomach issues subsided. I did not feel so ill all the time. I needed to make somemore changes so I quit the drive thru all together. These changes took place between August 2008 and Feb 2009 and with those changes I had lost 12 lbs. Now I needed to add another factor...exercise! Yikes, I can barely walk a block without feeling exhausted. I had been paying for a gym membership for almost 2 years and maybe had used it 8-10 times so far...time to put the money to use and actually go! On a Sunday in early March 2009 decided to go give it a try. I cried in the driveway getting ready to leave, this was a huge big step and I was scared. I drove there and teared up again in the gym parking lot. I am an emotional wreck! I went in and decided I would just walk to start. I lasted 15 minutes at a 1.9 speed and 0 incline. I was breathless! Pathetic! I did not want to go all the way to the gym for just a 15 minute walk, but I could not do anything else. I went in the locker room and cried. I had someone encourage me and tell me not to be so hard on myself, it was a beginning. I had done the hardest thing and that was walking in the door to get started. Two days later I went again and ran into a friend that worked at the gym and they got me signed up for a 3 days a week 1 hour sessions for 6 weeks class focused on weight loss. The first day, I cried again I was terrified. Was I going to be able to handle this? I did not want to hold others back in the class either. The class instructor was very good at setting me up at a pace I would be challenged with but not overwhelming me. After the first week I had improved so much and I realized ...I would not die exercising! I made it and was making progress!
After that class ended I was able to keep motivated and continued working out 3-4 days a week until about August and then I started to fizzle. I slowly went from 3-4 days a week to 6-8 days a month. In October I signed up for a 4 week 2 days a week Pilates class. I loved it! I could not do everything but I tried and felt muscles I did not know exsisted! After that class again I slowed down, it was holiday season and got over loaded with my time.
January 2010 - it is the time for new years resolutions and I needed to recommit in order to get this done. I started to go 3 days a week again and started talking with a trainer. In Febuary I signed up for him to help me. I only had enough money to pay for 6 weeks. I loved it! I met with him 2 days a week and started a food diary and learned so much! I lost 15 lbs in a few months yet I got frustrated, because I felt like I was working so hard! Why was the pounds not shedding faster?
May was fast approaching and my sons college graduation was going to take place. I had some goals; one being to not have to ask for a seatbelt extension on the flights, another to finally buy new pants and the other to be able to walk with my family without having to take breathing breaks. I went 2 weeks before graduation to try on pants...I cried in the dressing room. My pants size had not changed at all. I felt like I had lost inches as my other pants I was always yanking them up to prevent them from falling off. I could actually take them off without unzipping them. Why, why, why could I not fit into something smaller? I got so dang frustrated at that I questioned what the point of all the hard work was for, I was not shrinking in size. I quit going to the gym. I did have a great realization on the trip though. On 2 of the 4 flights to get to the graduation I did not need a seatbelt extension and the 2 I did need it was a difference of about an inch. I was so happy! I was able to walk around town with my family and enjoyed the trip even though I was wearing old pants.
Now we are into the last 2 weeks and I had a big path I thought was set before me and so much excitement occured! I saw a casting call watching "Losing it with Jillian" for the "Biggest Loser" flash across the TV. I had a couple trainers over the last year try to encourage me to sign up but I was scared to death of the idea. Well right when I saw the casting flash I knew my path was leading me to going on the show. I felt God was opening all the doors to make this happen. It was so easy and I was very calm and just knew I was going on the show. I had visions of working out on the show, encouarging my team mates, learning to cook healthy meals in the kitchen, even cried invisioning myself getting a make over and revealing the transformed me to my family! Another door I felt God opened was getting there and being #64 in line. They guarantee interviews with the first 500. I was escorted in with 8 people to a table and about 1.5 minutes to let them know who you are with their questions being asked, going around the table taking turns answering them. If we were noticed they would call us back for a second interview by late that night. I did not get the call. Now what? That was 3 days ago.
There is alot more between the lines and maybe I will share more as I blog, but this brings me to today. I am sorry to have such a lengthy beginning but the history has to be told to learn how to move forward. This is not only for you all to watch and learn my journey but for me to learn as well. I have to say that when I questioned why God took me with such ease into what I thought was really going to happen on the Biggest Loser and it didn't it made me think why? I saw the doors and path he had me go through were not really about the Biggest Loser but about me invisioning myself being successful at losing weight. He has given me the courage, strength and knowledge that I can do this. God wants us all to be balanced in many aspects of our lives, the mental, physical, emotional,spiritual and social parts. My weakest link is the physical. Here I go transforming before you all, metamorphosis taking place. I have some logistics of how I am going to get there. I am now accountable to all of you. Till tomorrow may we all be strong in what we need to do to be healthy.
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