Facing Fear

I started out with my first thought about this blog being about what gives me inspiration and hope to become better than I am. The reason I struggle with this question is because I have answers for what inspires me yet I am not successful.
My inspirations and hope have come from seeing others succeed at this big job of losing alot of weight. If they can do it that means it isn't impossible. I am one who likes a challenge even when it seems overwhelming. Yet when it comes to many aspects of my life, I do not feel very successful at anything. I go through ups and downs being inspired. When it comes to my weight loss the biggest inspiration has come thru watching the show the Biggest Loser. I get a look at what their life is like before hand, sitting afraid and unable to motivate themselves to move. Their lives resemble my own life. I watch them cry and work hard to make changes and a transformation takes place before my eyes and it gives me hope. Makes me realize it is a matter of making some changes. I see also what their life becomes after losing weight. They are living! They are happier, healthier and sharing in activities with their friends, parents, spouses, and children. They are playing, swimming , hiking even cooking together. It is their lifestyle to enjoy each other in the adventure of healthy changes together.
As I thought on this and I am still processing more on these thoughts I realized a fear I have deep within me that is bubbling out to the surface. I have realized over time that I have a fear regarding these issues, but I have never taken the time to pin point what it is. I am now in tears realizing the fear and not sure how to move on past it to be successful, but I have too.
My fear is this: What if after losing all this weight the person that matters most in my life never says anything to acknowledge it, never says a word? Yes this person is my husband. The reason I fear this is because he is not one to notice changes or compliment them or anything. Nothing negative or positive. I have had great hair cuts where great lengths have been chopped off....not a word said. I have had my hair styled to fun flirty sexy styles, get all kinds of compliments from others, get all excited for him to see it.....not a word. I have gotten all dressed up, new clothes, makeup for a date with him which we hardly ever do...not a word. My kids will exclaim how nice I look, say wow mom you look amazing in his presence and still not a word. Not a glance, not a smile anything to say, wow you look beautiful!
When I was preparing for trying out for the Biggest Loser I had many visions of myself on the show. One vision I had was when the members in the last weeks would get to go out and have a makeover done. New hair, makeup, clothes the works! For me as a viewer it was a jaw dropping transformation. The show staff would arrange to surprise the cast members with a visit and the revealing of their new body to their families. I would weep every time! When I invisioned this makeover for myself I could see me in new stylish beautiful clothes. ( Right now my style is t-shirts in many colors, fancier are the ones that have collars and bottons, yet still t-shirts) I saw myself standing in front of a mirror admiring my new body, reflecting on the changes and hard work it took to transform what I was looking at. I feel sexy, beautiful and alive grinning from ear to ear. A door opens and there standing before me is my husband. I look at him in tears full of joy and pride at what I have been able to do, my arms stretched out as if to say look at this! A Vanna White move showing off the new me and can you believe this accomplishment and glowing over myself!  My vision ends. My vision never has a response by him. He never says, wow! You look amazing! I knew you could do this!
I realize after thinking this through that it is because he never has shared such expressions with me. It is painful  that I can not think of a single moment that sticks out that he has expressed how beautiful I look in his eyes. No compliments except about my cooking from time to time. I desire to be attractive to him and he tell me so. I have had my kids tell me I look good, my mom tell me how talented I am, my friends even male friends tell me what a beautiful person I am. Why doesn't my husband say these things? I am sure it is his personality and nothing personal towards me. It still hurts even though I know this of him. I figure it can't be me personally if others recognize these things in me and tell me so, but it is hard to believe when your spouse isn't saying it. We all want our spouse to adore us and let us know it.
Over the last couple years I have made many strides in my transformation. I have had many friends compliment me on the postive things they are seeing in me. How I carry myself with more energy, more confidence, a noticed attitude difference, I smile alot more and am physically changing with a tighter looking body. Granted I am still pretty fat , but all the changes are being noticed. But I get to a point I give up. The person I want to say something doesn't and it becomes a why do all this work if it doesn't change how he sees me?  I have tried to convince myself it was because he sees me daily and it is harder to notice, but the people making the comments see me 5 days a week at work or 3-4 days a week at the gym and 1 day a week at church, they all notice and say something so why doesn't he? I guess he has always been like this, so why am I expecting something different? The main reason is I desire it, I want it, I need it.
I have thought that if I lose weight we would do more things together. I wouldn't be so embarrassing to be seen with. He would take me out more on dates. Not sure if that will happen, but based off of the past my fear is no. It isn't that this is really why we don't go out now, but it is the way my thoughts take me. He has never said anything to make me feel this way, but sometimes not saying anything at all leaves me to my own conclusion. I feel I am not worthy of this life I dream of,  that I don't deserve to be taken out. I have had these thoughts for along time. I mean really; men like to take their beauty out and experience life with them showing them off to the world, right?
I now understand what I am so afraid of. I fear I will bust my butt and transform myself, but my husband will never say anything. He will never ackowledge my hard work, my new body, my new energy. My desire to be loved by him differently than what I have settled for and accepted as my life. I fear I will remain unnoticed by the one that matters most. Can I accept that if that is what really happens? can I do this for just me? When I get there and I am different, then what? Can I live this vision without him if he won't join me? I am realizing he is a home body, but I am not. I am as of now, because that is how we live. I am done sitting at home. I have missed out on things I have wanted to do waiting for him to join me. I have asked him to join me, but he always says no. In the past I ended out not doing things, because he won't go with me. I am learning it is ok to go ahead and venture out on my own. Well actually I have had my youngest take off on the adventures with me but soon she won't be here and I will have to go on my own. I want my life to be different and I can picture it. I just hope he will want to do these things with me. I have to play and have my adventures even if it is without him. I drather him live these things with me. Can I survive the changes without him saying you did good? You are strong? You are talented? You are beautiful? This is my fear; that he won't.