I was thinking today that at some point in my life I lost myself. I am not sure when that happened. There isn't really any one moment in my life that could answer that. Being able to realize how lost I am is a start toward changing.That's a good thing! It isn't that I have not enjoyed many aspects of my life so far, I think I have had a wonderful life, but I have done more watching then participating. My husband and kids are truely wonderful and have huge caring, loving hearts. I think a big part of being lost right now is I have taken care of others and now I am pretty much alone. Maybe it is the weight gain that played the biggest part into me being lost. Why did I not recognize this 20 years ago, 10 years ago or the beginning of the biggest weight gain?
I know some people make changes when a drastic life event happens with their health. I guess as I am creeping up on years and I realize the potential of a life altering health event could happen and that frightens me. I need to change before that happens...I don't handle pressure very well, so I better do this before a Dr is tending to me. I have shed enough tears over these issues and I am sure there will be more.
It is hard for me to zoom in on my own desires. Somewhere I put in my head I am not worthy to live my desires. I had settled on who I have become. Being this lost means that I can't even see myself anymore.I look in the mirror and cry because I don't recognize myself and don't like the outward person I see.I am learning to see parts of who I would like to be. I do know that I am strong and love a challenge. I am finding Wii fun to workout with because of the challenge of beating my scores or the high score accomplished by someone else. I do it over and over until that is accomplished. Today I did some new things on Wii and pushed myself harder than I have yet and was actually in a hard breathing dripping sweat for almost 20 minutes of the 45. I was still sweating, but it slowed down...hey your supposed to do a cool down right? My daughter even yelled down the stairs asking if I was ok because she could hear me breathing really hard..yikes!
Anyway, I am in the persuit of finding out what makes me tick and what will motivate me to keep going. I guess setting some goals and writing them down would be a good start, ha ha.
I love the mountains and within 15 minutes I can be at a trail head and start hiking. I have looked up some easy local hikes and hopefully weather provided I will attempt one this weekend. I guess I need to figure out some of my goals and post them for you all to read. That would be the only way I can be held accountable. So I will think about those and get them posted. For now a hike is in order! I am tired of being in the valley looking up wishing I was in or on top of the mountains. I look at other peoples pictures they post from weekend hikes and my heart longs to be up there looking at the view from up high! It will be a hard up hill climb to get to the top, but oh the glorious feeling of accomplishments are right around the next bend. Keep moving and stay healthy.
I love you.
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