Monday, October 22, 2012


   I have to apologize for not blogging for such a long time. I realize that in my lack of blogging it generally means I have not been doing much to make the changes I need too. I do have many emotions that go along with not performing to the best of my ability and maybe I should be sharing those. I will try harder at making the time.
   I have been able to maintain the loss I have accomplished so far. This helped me realize I made some good changes in the eating department. All the changes have been of great benefit. I know I still have a ways to go , but at least the changes I have made have stuck and are part of my life now.
   I still struggle. I have not learned how to make exercise a priority and have any consistency at working out. I did join a gym! I had gotten very bored with my workouts at home and thankfully for Mothers Day my daughter Daisy got me to her gym to workout. I did join, it is close by, so convenience is a plus. It is very affordable ($10 a month) I couldn't pass it up! and it is a great friendly staffed gym! Another daughter (Dixie) joined with me. I also signed up with a trainer. I can only afford a half hour every other week. I know if I could afford more i would be all over that, because i need the accountability & workout buddy.
   At first I was doing great as there was an occasion approaching that I desired to have the energy exercise gives me. It was my daughters wedding. I had not lost any additional weight but the energy level was a benefit. I was rather disappointed in myself at not accomplishing more and the dress shopping was very uncomfortable, size and money for something I probably won't wear again. I did want to feel good and I did, just not what I thought I could have done. Her wedding was so much fun and I did ok with the energy I needed to enjoy it all.
 I have struggled getting to the gym since the wedding. I think each week I will get there more than once, but through the summer after driving home from work in a hot car ( no air conditioning), change clothes and want to get in the hot car to drive to the gym, get all hot & sweaty at the gym to get back in the hot car was not something I wanted to do.The heat drains me so much. It became my excuse. I went on Saturday &/or Sunday and my training sessions, but that was it.
When I had initially started  I was also meeting up with my daughter, she is a great encourager and helped push me. Her life has changed so it makes it harder to make that happen. My other daughter who joined with me has so much going on in her life and is in pretty good shape she does not make the effort. I have become a slacker not having that initial support. Now typing that out I realize I am making it someone elses fault that I don't go as often as I need to, but it is my fault. I push through trying to take ownership  yet I also know how important support is, it helps a great deal!
It is now fall and I am so not ready for this fastly approaching season. I have struggled still with finances desiring a different job as well and it is another thing that affects my view of myself. I long to make changes, but then I get a little afraid and don't push it.
I know this isn't much to report in about. To me it is the same ol thing. I have not found my motivation to keep me on track and push through the days I struggle the hardest. I have not given up, I still know I want to live a healthier stronger energized life and I know I will get there. Sometimes the process is slow, slower than I could have even imagined, but I am still dreaming, still knowing it will get better, still knowing I will find my motivation, still keeping my head in the game to grow and make changes. Sometimes I have to repeat "Be still and know I am God". It is ok to be still, reflect and reach out to God to help you with your struggles. Still know He has a plan through the consequences of your sin. Know He is God. " I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me". Philippians 4::13

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Tears in Dressing Rooms

I am rather excited for the future! Why? I am finally seeing the changes in my body. If you remember in my first blog: I shared the story of preparing for my sons college graduation, I went shopping for new cloths for the trip. I ended out not getting anything for that trip. My body had not changed enough and everything still looked horrible on me. I had a melt down that day in the dressing room, crying and upset with myself. I thought I had dropped enough weight to get in a size smaller and look better in clothes. I had not. I was so upset that day; in shock and disappointed. It deflated my motivation. I was so discouraged that day, I wondered if it was worth it. My saving grace at that time was the seat belt on the plane fitting without an extension! I could walk around town with my family and not feel so tired or out of breath! Those couple of things helped me see there are changes happening and I was improving on my health. The changes weren't showing on the outside yet, so I kept plugging away. I have had several ups and downs, I have cried many tears.
I have not tried on clothes since that day. One reason is the lack of funds, but also wanting to lose more weight before I attempted this task again. It was a very defeating moment and did not want to experience that defeat again.
 Last weekend life changed! I needed underwear badly so I went shopping. I went in only to get underwear, but there was a 40% off sale on the entire store. I was afraid of clothes. I did not want to try anything on. I held shirts in front of me to see if they would work. I went to the section one size smaller than the last time I attempted this feat. I figured I better go ahead and try on the shirt as I was not sure I liked it completely. I did try it on and it looked horrid. So I grabbed a different style shirt and tried it on. I realized as I was trying this other shirt on that it was baggier than I thought it would be and that must be why that first shirt looked so horrid. I had my daughter go get an even smaller size to see how much weight I needed to lose before that size would fit comfortably and fit! It fit way better than I thought and I started to cry! I was crying out of joy and realizing my body is changing on the outside now. I was crying because I have waited so long for a major difference to happen and it was there staring me in the mirror! The lady helping me stopped at the door to see if everything was ok, I sobbed a big yes everything is great! I was in a size that I have not worn in at least jeez 22 years or more. I have nothing in my closet from the past hoping one day to fit into them again. I had given up along time ago that I would ever get there and tossed them.(plus they were very outdated).
 I wasn't going to share my sizes, but then I was like, well, have your weights posted so whats the big deal? So yeah, I went from size 26/28 to 18/20! I came home and put on some blouses I have not worn in a couple years and they were baggy! When I used to wear those blouses I had to wear them open with a cami or tank layer under them because I could not button them. I was afraid to move much in the shoulder area because I thought I would pop the seams on the sleeves/shoulder. I was able to button and they looked baggy, more tears!
This new size has motivated me! There is change happening...finally! I have hope that with my daughters wedding coming up I can actually get into a dress and look somewhat nice. I have not worn a dress since 1999 because of my weight. I felt like I was in a poncho or tent, so I quit wearing them.
 I know many people hate trying on clothes and probably cry just like I have after realizing things don't fit properly. I have a renewed faith that things will be getting better now. I am not afraid to try on clothes. I have a ways to go, but it is a way I know I can do! I will probably shed more tears in dressing rooms in the future. I think stores should provide tissues in the dressing rooms for all the tears we shed trying on clothes, just sayin'.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Abolished Fears

I have to admit I have been very afraid to weigh in after all the holidays, because if you notice last years weight gain (12lbs) through the holidays I was nervous and wondered what kind of damage I had done to myself this year. I wondered if all the chocolate I had eaten this year did it's damage. I wondered if I was going to have a set back again. I also struggled with the fact that my clothes seem to still be fitting loser and wondered if it was my imagination, was I fooling myself ...because I really did eat lots of chocolate! I also wondered about the miserableness I felt in the beginning of January was a result of weight gain. I was lethargic, depressed and so not motivated! Food was affecting my brain and body. The body truly is amazing how it reacts to what we put in it and I was feeling the effects. I was scared. I had lost focus and did not want to start over again after all prior to fall I had lost enough to feel like I was finally making progress. My fear was that with my daughters wedding coming up in July I was possibly facing a set back in my weight loss.
As the fall into winter season came upon me I did have some things in which I changed and was proud of the changes, mostly in the food areas of my life. I did eat much less than this season has to offer ( except for chocolate). At Halloween, I did not buy any candy to fill my holiday candy holders. I use candy as cheap holiday decor as it fills my glass pumpkin jars with color as they sit about the house. I told my daughter it looked so bare, missing the color, but happy it was not there for nibbling. Thanksgiving, I made my pumpkin pie with coconut milk and removed about 120 calories per slice and it was the best! I will make it like that every year in the future. I held to one helping and eliminated the bread/rolls as I told my family, I would rather have calories that were true holiday foods, not everyday bread.
Late November I went in for our yearly health screening for insurance and I was rather excited as my numbers were even better than last years! Last years numbers are listed first.
Nov 2010 Blood Pressure mine was 129/88 ~ for Nov 2011 BP is 120/70                                 
Nov 2010 Blood Glucose- mine was 106 ~ for Nov 2011 BG is 99
Nov 2010 LDL Cholesterol - mine was 127 ~ for Nov 2011 LDL is 118
                                    ( my #'s for TC ~184 / HDL 42 & TRG 118)! Great huh!
To say the least I got our maximum health benefit which is $450 on the health card! I was excited about that to see improvements in that area as well!
Then Christmas hit... and it was an exciting time for me as it is the first in four years all the kids were home! I miss them bunches. I did good though ( except for chocolate) eating one helping and eating mostly healthy and lower calories for most meals throughout the month. I also did not make all the dips I usually make for dipping veggies and chips. I usually make 4 different dips and when they are gone I make another batch. I did make spinach dip and onion dip and only one batch and I hardly ate any of it! One thing I have been able to remove from my diet is mayonnaise. I was a mayo spreader like it was frosting on a cake. I have eaten lots of fruit! Drank coconut milk eggnog instead of the kind laden with fat and cholesterol. It was "So Delicious" brand and soooooo very delicious indeed! Even though I was not exercising and barely  concentrating on what I ate, I did not gain, but 2oz...NO Poundage! I know it has been 3 months, don't get me wrong, because I know if I would have stayed better focused I could have lost possibly 20-30 lbs. I am truely happy at this point that I did not gain! Now that I have faced the fear of the scale and see it is where I left off I am ready to get moving again. I also just realized that the changes I have made in eating has become a natural part of me otherwise I would have gained many pounds back.  I do have more changes, but I am getting there!
So, I weighed myself this morning finally committing to facing the facts and moving forward, I jumped on my Wii and did the weigh in! Did I mention I did not gain, well 2 oz and I felt relief! I almost cried, but did a big smile instead and said yeah! I can do this! How I feel in my clothes is real and I feel motivated instead of discouraged.
Ok, I can move forward. I talked with someone a couple weeks ago to have an accountability partner and she agreed to help! Now on to some goal setting and moving forward...after all there is a wedding this year in which I am the mother of the bride! Ready set go!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Mind Set is Changing

Yesterday my daughter posted something that made me laugh and has carried over into today, because I made it sound like something other than what it actually meant. The quote was "A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live" unknown. I made a joke and said I must be living the dream because I am huge. I thought it was funny, but then I thought more seriously about the quote. I am big, but not living my dreams and in order to live life with anything I dream about,  I need to get smaller. I am gradually living more and more. Mostly being outside and enjoying nature. Shrinking in size is giving me more confidence, so I can live some of my dreams.
My younger daughter and I have gone on a few hikes. We keep going back to the same place, because we have yet to do the whole hike. We either run out of time or the weather changes on us. I also suggested we  go to this spot until we get the full couple hikes completed as there are two upper lakes, then move on to a new location. In the spring we went and encountered to much snow and very wet mud and it looked like rain was moving in as we got close to one of the upper lakes. We made a fall run up too Silver Lake, but we got there to late to get it done before sundown or the chill as we did not prepare for cooler weather, so we just walked around the lower lake. It was beautiful! It was so quiet that day too, we saw a moose!

It was such a beautiful fall late afternoon. It was a week day and my daughter had the day off from school. I liked being up there with fewer people, it was quiet and peaceful. There was a couple times I just wanted to sit and take in the splendor, so we did. Each turn was magical in its own way with color changes and the lake was very calm with some great reflections happening! When we saw the moose it was very cool because my daughter mentioned when we first got there that her friends always see a moose and as many times we have been there we never have. I guess the quietness helped bring her out in the open. It was also kind of scary for a few minutes, because she was sitting in the shrub hiding from the sun, but as we approached she got up and started heading in our direction. I was very nervous because her ears were back and there have been enough reports of moose attacks around our area that I paid attention to her signals. She was not completely comfortable, so we backed up slowly and quietly out of her space. She relaxed and moved on and then I was able to take some pics.
The situation made me think about my health issues with the weight and not feeling very able to take care of myself in tough situations. The first time I really encountered that emotion was scuba diving. I realized I was not very capable of handling a few things if a situation occurred and I was putting myself in danger and my dive buddy (husband) in danger. I developed anxiety trying to deal with that and decided I better not scuba anymore at least until I get a handle on my weight. These same emotions came up on this day when fear set in with the moose not being comfortable with our presence. This time though, I knew what to do and felt capable of the actions I needed to do and my thought processes did not give me a sense of inability. I must be getting a stronger mentality, at least to know I can do more than I used to think I could. 
One day I took my daughter and friends downtown for the Taylor Swift concert and I had no anxiety like I used to in the past, wondering how far I may have to walk. I used to not do things, because my body would be so tired and slow. I had quit doing things to avoid realizing how badly out of shape I was. I guess I was not ready to make changes and did not want to be faced with how bad things had gotten. Instead I quit living life. I used to get tired just walking a couple blocks and now I have no fear or worries about distance. I remember the first time we went to Silver Lake and how much anxiety I had about being able to make it all the way around. Now it is a breeze and easy, it is now a stroll instead of a hike. I am considering snow shoeing it this winter with all my kids for Christmas! It has been 3 years since everyone was able to be home for Christmas and I want to do something fun!
Today I weighed in again and was so excited! I dropped another 7.5 lbs since last weigh in! As I was typing I remembered one of the things I wanted to do this summer, but was to heavy. One day Dixie and I went up to Snowbird for a quick get out of the valley moment. When we got up there we saw the zip line and other things set up for summer fun. I have always wanted to ride a zip line and so I looked up what kind of weight restrictions there might be. I was over, but not far away as the weight limit is 280. I am so close! Next summer when they get those set up again, I will do the zip line! Probably the one at Park City though as it is a longer zip! I will fill safer too because by the time summer comes along I won't be right at the cut off weight.
 I can see my mind set changing about my approach to life! I am capable of doing more and more and I am so excited for the future!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Red Light Green Light

Over the last week I had some "You go girl moments" in which the mind set is shifting back to healthy eating. Several times this week while on my way home from work I wanted to stop and get food on my way home and I took the time to think about what I was about to do and did not do it (getting a burger or taco) and went home and ate something healthier like yogurt or cottage cheese with tomatoes. It really is a mind game for me. One night I worked till 1am and was very tempted to stop somewhere on my way home to get something, anything. As I was leaving my job site walking to my car I noticed a couple fast food places still open and thought, "I might just stop and grab a burger". I got in my car and said "no, don't do it", go home and eat some grapes or something, so I pulled away. On my way home getting closer to home (not even 3 miles later ugh ) is a 24 hrs a day taco place and I love tacos. I was thinking about stopping. See how quickly my mind lost the "no don't do it" to, "oh a taco sounds wonderful". Sitting across the street at the stop light, my mind went crazy with wanting a taco.  I am glad the light stayed red for awhile as there was no traffic and seemed like it was ridiculously slow at changing green for me, but that time saved me from myself. I was able to say " NO, Don't Do it!"  I will never get to my goals with the following mind set, thinking that I have been good this week and I missed eating some dinner tonight so I can have this. As I sat there at the red light thinking this,  I also came up with the thought, it is late and you are going to bed in the hour so there is no time to even digest, save your money and go home! As the light changed to green I was able with great pride to keep driving and go home! I truely felt great!
I really struggle with this environment...driving. You may think it is funny to call driving an environment, but for me it is. Driving becomes my mindless eating, not even hungry 90% of the time. The grilling smells of restaurants and even just driving by an In and Out or Chick Filet saying "oh man that sounds really good" plus,  I am by myself.  In the past being by myself I used it as my treat to stop and get a burger/chicken or taco. I know, not really a so called treat, huh? I think I have said this, but I love tacos!
I also went to a wedding this week and was so proud as I ate fresh fruit and a couple shrimp and a stuffed mushroom and a 1" ball that was like a tiny chicken cordon bleu thing and water! Oh and a chocolate covered strawberry! Yummy! No cake, No minature e'clairs  No seconds! I focused on chatting with people I have not seen in awhile and it was fun.
Meatless Monday came around and I made another wonderful new meatless meal! So good and full of veggies from the garden!
This week, I learned I can talk my way out of what my mind is trying to tell me and get my brain to shift gears to get it to tell me something else, something better, to be proud of the decisions I make. Now, I just need more stop lights to stay red for me a little longer to really think through my choices before the bad behavior takes control. A red light saved me from some calories and disappointment this week. Going through this week trying to get back on track I realize I have the ability to see, it is all in the mind. I can go down the road some day and have all green lights, for now I am thankful for the red lights!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Meatless Monday smells like Mexico

Getting back on track with changes in regards to my health has to start somewhere and Monday is a good day to focus. Monday's a few months past, I had started having Meatless Monday's for my meal planning. Over the summer meatless Monday's slowly dissipated. I loved Monday's because it forced me to learn some new recipes. Yesterday, I got back on that and I made some homemade pinto-re-fry style beans. I had always heard how much better and healthier it was to make your own and came up with a recipe earlier this year and I will never buy canned re-fried beans again! I made burritos with the beans, whole wheat tortillas,cheese and salsa and they were so very good! It has been quit a few months since I made them and Monday being a new start to focus on changes I made them again! I made a double batch so I would have left overs for some lunches too. Mexican food is one of my favorites and when my daughter came home from school and she opened the door, she said with great enthusiasm, "oh my gosh it smells so good, it smells like Mexico"! ( LOL, she has never been to Mexico - maybe she meant a Mexican restaurant).
My daughters above comment made me so happy, made me smile and be very pleased with my efforts. Then I thought; why do compliments regarding food make me/us so happy? Why do we try to please others and ourselves with food? I know we need food for nutrition and health, but the previous questions do not have anything really to do with why we need food. I enjoy cooking and getting compliments from what I have created. I know that since the beginning of time food has always been served at gatherings and I am probably being to hard on myself with that question. I guess I am trying to change how I think about food and not make it such a focus for me.
Yesterday, I also received a text from my daughter : "Have you exercised yet"?  I replied with the fact that I was cooking something for dinner that takes awhile to cook and I would after I got it going. I never did and had to admit that when she asked me again later. Sigh, I really need to make exercise a priority if I am ever going to make some additional progress in my weight loss efforts. I got the meal focus back in my head, now to get the workouts in. One day at a time, right? Today I am at home and set my focus on getting some yard work done and getting some fall decorations up. I need to get in a workout too and start making it part of my daily routine again. I will report back later when my day has come to a close. Are you able to make your workouts a priority in your day? I seem to go in waves and wish it was more like the mentality of, you shower and brush your teeth everyday, so why can't you make a workout part of everyday too? I am off to get the yard work done and will post how the rest of the day went later. Have a healthy day!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Living Life Conveniently is not Worth the Calories

There are times that everything you are doing right just fizzles down the drain. Labor day weekend was one of those times for me. My son came into town with his girlfriend and another friend. Which was awesome!

I made a hot breakfast for them when they arrived with all the fatty breakfast good, I love sausage and bacon, along with scrambled eggs. I also made some blueberry muffins and cran-orange muffins from a box. I also made cookies from a box, because it was cheaper than the bag of chocolate chips...yes, scratch is way better!. I have always made cookies from scratch so needless to say, box cookies are not that great. You would think with them not being all that great it would prevent me from wanting them, but no, I ate them anyway. In the past when I wanted something like that, it had to be the most fabulous cookie, chocolate or whatever so the calories were worth it and helped with a craving. Not all chocolates are created equal!  For some reason this Labor Day weekend, I did not think along those lines. I ate without a second thought to calories or fat. I also failed at dinner. We had a fire up one of the canyons and roasted hot dogs over it. Made and ate some homemade potato salad along with some potato chips, oh and s'mores. I also opted for juice (calories) instead of my usual water (no calories).It was all delicious, but not much in the healthy categories. Convenient foods seem to make life easy, but they are generally not healthy.  We did have some cantaloupe and I might add the best cantaloupe I have had in a few years!
When the weekend was over and my son left, I was like "whoa, what just happened"?

I realized a few things looking back at this; 1) I did what was easy and fun for the moment 2) convenience isn't all it is cracked up to be 3) one needs a plan to face these tough situations The good notes that came through this weekend, first the company was wonderful and it was so great to see my son and meet his friends! Totally enjoyed having him around even if it was very short lived! I  feel good when I am outside in the mountains. Looking for a picnic spot, I jumped at the chance to go scout out a place as it being Labor Day, all the places were very packed! I would have never done that in the past. In the past I was afraid of being to slow and breathing to hard even on a short walk.I would have saved my energy for the moment we actually had a spot to unload too. I was not afraid anymore, I just popped out of the car and did a quick walk thru at one of the sites! I am accepting the fact that quick in prompt too events are ok as long as I get back on track immediately following them.
Sometimes the occasion just calls for hot dogs, chips and s'mores and I need to allow that once in awhile, hot dogs on an open fire are the best!  I will never buy cookie mix anymore and do them from scratch instead! Muffins are ok from a box.
Convenient living is partially what got me to my fat zone and this weekend was a great reminder it isn't all it is cracked up to be. I like the time it takes to cook, smart and healthy and it is always delicious, plus I feel so gourmet chef when I cook from scratch. I am back on track and learned somethings along the way. I have also learned that I seriously need to make many more visits up the canyon! Hike, picnic, fire pits hang out  chatting with people I love, taking in the fresh air and the beauty of creation! It was a great weekend after all said and done, because the best parts have nothing to do with the food, it is the people we spend time with!