Still

   I have to apologize for not blogging for such a long time. I realize that in my lack of blogging it generally means I have not been doing much to make the changes I need too. I do have many emotions that go along with not performing to the best of my ability and maybe I should be sharing those. I will try harder at making the time.
   I have been able to maintain the loss I have accomplished so far. This helped me realize I made some good changes in the eating department. All the changes have been of great benefit. I know I still have a ways to go , but at least the changes I have made have stuck and are part of my life now.
   I still struggle. I have not learned how to make exercise a priority and have any consistency at working out. I did join a gym! I had gotten very bored with my workouts at home and thankfully for Mothers Day my daughter Daisy got me to her gym to workout. I did join, it is close by, so convenience is a plus. It is very affordable ($10 a month) I couldn't pass it up! and it is a great friendly staffed gym! Another daughter (Dixie) joined with me. I also signed up with a trainer. I can only afford a half hour every other week. I know if I could afford more i would be all over that, because i need the accountability & workout buddy.
   At first I was doing great as there was an occasion approaching that I desired to have the energy exercise gives me. It was my daughters wedding. I had not lost any additional weight but the energy level was a benefit. I was rather disappointed in myself at not accomplishing more and the dress shopping was very uncomfortable, size and money for something I probably won't wear again. I did want to feel good and I did, just not what I thought I could have done. Her wedding was so much fun and I did ok with the energy I needed to enjoy it all.
 I have struggled getting to the gym since the wedding. I think each week I will get there more than once, but through the summer after driving home from work in a hot car ( no air conditioning), change clothes and want to get in the hot car to drive to the gym, get all hot & sweaty at the gym to get back in the hot car was not something I wanted to do.The heat drains me so much. It became my excuse. I went on Saturday &/or Sunday and my training sessions, but that was it.
When I had initially started  I was also meeting up with my daughter, she is a great encourager and helped push me. Her life has changed so it makes it harder to make that happen. My other daughter who joined with me has so much going on in her life and is in pretty good shape she does not make the effort. I have become a slacker not having that initial support. Now typing that out I realize I am making it someone elses fault that I don't go as often as I need to, but it is my fault. I push through trying to take ownership  yet I also know how important support is, it helps a great deal!
It is now fall and I am so not ready for this fastly approaching season. I have struggled still with finances desiring a different job as well and it is another thing that affects my view of myself. I long to make changes, but then I get a little afraid and don't push it.
I know this isn't much to report in about. To me it is the same ol thing. I have not found my motivation to keep me on track and push through the days I struggle the hardest. I have not given up, I still know I want to live a healthier stronger energized life and I know I will get there. Sometimes the process is slow, slower than I could have even imagined, but I am still dreaming, still knowing it will get better, still knowing I will find my motivation, still keeping my head in the game to grow and make changes. Sometimes I have to repeat "Be still and know I am God". It is ok to be still, reflect and reach out to God to help you with your struggles. Still know He has a plan through the consequences of your sin. Know He is God. " I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me". Philippians 4::13

Tears in Dressing Rooms

I am rather excited for the future! Why? I am finally seeing the changes in my body. If you remember in my first blog: http://logisticsoflisasmetamorphosis.blogspot.com/2010/08/history-that-leads-to-beginning.html I shared the story of preparing for my sons college graduation, I went shopping for new cloths for the trip. I ended out not getting anything for that trip. My body had not changed enough and everything still looked horrible on me. I had a melt down that day in the dressing room, crying and upset with myself. I thought I had dropped enough weight to get in a size smaller and look better in clothes. I had not. I was so upset that day; in shock and disappointed. It deflated my motivation. I was so discouraged that day, I wondered if it was worth it. My saving grace at that time was the seat belt on the plane fitting without an extension! I could walk around town with my family and not feel so tired or out of breath! Those couple of things helped me see there are changes happening and I was improving on my health. The changes weren't showing on the outside yet, so I kept plugging away. I have had several ups and downs, I have cried many tears.
I have not tried on clothes since that day. One reason is the lack of funds, but also wanting to lose more weight before I attempted this task again. It was a very defeating moment and did not want to experience that defeat again.
 Last weekend life changed! I needed underwear badly so I went shopping. I went in only to get underwear, but there was a 40% off sale on the entire store. I was afraid of clothes. I did not want to try anything on. I held shirts in front of me to see if they would work. I went to the section one size smaller than the last time I attempted this feat. I figured I better go ahead and try on the shirt as I was not sure I liked it completely. I did try it on and it looked horrid. So I grabbed a different style shirt and tried it on. I realized as I was trying this other shirt on that it was baggier than I thought it would be and that must be why that first shirt looked so horrid. I had my daughter go get an even smaller size to see how much weight I needed to lose before that size would fit comfortably and ..........it fit! It fit way better than I thought and I started to cry! I was crying out of joy and realizing my body is changing on the outside now. I was crying because I have waited so long for a major difference to happen and it was there staring me in the mirror! The lady helping me stopped at the door to see if everything was ok, I sobbed a big yes everything is great! I was in a size that I have not worn in at least jeez 22 years or more. I have nothing in my closet from the past hoping one day to fit into them again. I had given up along time ago that I would ever get there and tossed them.(plus they were very outdated).
 I wasn't going to share my sizes, but then I was like, well,  Lisa....you have your weights posted so whats the big deal? So yeah, I went from size 26/28 to 18/20! I came home and put on some blouses I have not worn in a couple years and they were baggy! When I used to wear those blouses I had to wear them open with a cami or tank layer under them because I could not button them. I was afraid to move much in the shoulder area because I thought I would pop the seams on the sleeves/shoulder. I was able to button and they looked baggy, more tears!
This new size has motivated me! There is change happening...finally! I have hope that with my daughters wedding coming up I can actually get into a dress and look somewhat nice. I have not worn a dress since 1999 because of my weight. I felt like I was in a poncho or tent, so I quit wearing them.
 I know many people hate trying on clothes and probably cry just like I have after realizing things don't fit properly. I have a renewed faith that things will be getting better now. I am not afraid to try on clothes. I have a ways to go, but it is a way I know I can do! I will probably shed more tears in dressing rooms in the future. I think stores should provide tissues in the dressing rooms for all the tears we shed trying on clothes, just sayin'.

Abolished Fears

I have to admit I have been very afraid to weigh in after all the holidays, because if you notice last years weight gain (12lbs) through the holidays I was nervous and wondered what kind of damage I had done to myself this year. I wondered if all the chocolate I had eaten this year did it's damage. I wondered if I was going to have a set back again. I also struggled with the fact that my clothes seem to still be fitting loser and wondered if it was my imagination, was I fooling myself ...because I really did eat lots of chocolate! I also wondered about the miserableness I felt in the beginning of January was a result of weight gain. I was lethargic, depressed and so not motivated! Food was affecting my brain and body. The body truly is amazing how it reacts to what we put in it and I was feeling the effects. I was scared. I had lost focus and did not want to start over again after all prior to fall I had lost enough to feel like I was finally making progress. My fear was that with my daughters wedding coming up in July I was possibly facing a set back in my weight loss.
As the fall into winter season came upon me I did have some things in which I changed and was proud of the changes, mostly in the food areas of my life. I did eat much less than this season has to offer ( except for chocolate). At Halloween, I did not buy any candy to fill my holiday candy holders. I use candy as cheap holiday decor as it fills my glass pumpkin jars with color as they sit about the house. I told my daughter it looked so bare, missing the color, but happy it was not there for nibbling. Thanksgiving, I made my pumpkin pie with coconut milk and removed about 120 calories per slice and it was the best! I will make it like that every year in the future. I held to one helping and eliminated the bread/rolls as I told my family, I would rather have calories that were true holiday foods, not everyday bread.
Late November I went in for our yearly health screening for insurance and I was rather excited as my numbers were even better than last years! Last years numbers are listed first.
Nov 2010 Blood Pressure mine was 129/88 ~ for Nov 2011 BP is 120/70                                 
Nov 2010 Blood Glucose- mine was 106 ~ for Nov 2011 BG is 99
Nov 2010 LDL Cholesterol - mine was 127 ~ for Nov 2011 LDL is 118
                                    ( my #'s for TC ~184 / HDL 42 & TRG 118)! Great huh!
To say the least I got our maximum health benefit which is $450 on the health card! I was excited about that to see improvements in that area as well!
Then Christmas hit... and it was an exciting time for me as it is the first in four years all the kids were home! I miss them bunches. I did good though ( except for chocolate) eating one helping and eating mostly healthy and lower calories for most meals throughout the month. I also did not make all the dips I usually make for dipping veggies and chips. I usually make 4 different dips and when they are gone I make another batch. I did make spinach dip and onion dip and only one batch and I hardly ate any of it! One thing I have been able to remove from my diet is mayonnaise. I was a mayo spreader like it was frosting on a cake. I have eaten lots of fruit! Drank coconut milk eggnog instead of the kind laden with fat and cholesterol. It was "So Delicious" brand and soooooo very delicious indeed! Even though I was not exercising and barely  concentrating on what I ate, I did not gain, but 2oz...NO Poundage! I know it has been 3 months, don't get me wrong, because I know if I would have stayed better focused I could have lost possibly 20-30 lbs. I am truely happy at this point that I did not gain! Now that I have faced the fear of the scale and see it is where I left off I am ready to get moving again. I also just realized that the changes I have made in eating has become a natural part of me otherwise I would have gained many pounds back.  I do have more changes, but I am getting there!
So, I weighed myself this morning finally committing to facing the facts and moving forward, I jumped on my Wii and did the weigh in! Did I mention I did not gain, well 2 oz and I felt relief! I almost cried, but did a big smile instead and said yeah! I can do this! How I feel in my clothes is real and I feel motivated instead of discouraged.
Ok, I can move forward. I talked with someone a couple weeks ago to have an accountability partner and she agreed to help! Now on to some goal setting and moving forward...after all there is a wedding this year in which I am the mother of the bride! Ready set go!