The Mind Set is Changing

Yesterday my daughter posted something that made me laugh and has carried over into today, because I made it sound like something other than what it actually meant. The quote was "A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live" unknown. I made a joke and said I must be living the dream because I am huge. I thought it was funny, but then I thought more seriously about the quote. I am big, but not living my dreams and in order to live life with anything I dream about,  I need to get smaller. I am gradually living more and more. Mostly being outside and enjoying nature. Shrinking in size is giving me more confidence, so I can live some of my dreams.
My younger daughter and I have gone on a few hikes. We keep going back to the same place, because we have yet to do the whole hike. We either run out of time or the weather changes on us. I also suggested we  go to this spot until we get the full couple hikes completed as there are two upper lakes, then move on to a new location. In the spring we went and encountered to much snow and very wet mud and it looked like rain was moving in as we got close to one of the upper lakes. We made a fall run up too Silver Lake, but we got there to late to get it done before sundown or the chill as we did not prepare for cooler weather, so we just walked around the lower lake. It was beautiful! It was so quiet that day too, we saw a moose!

It was such a beautiful fall late afternoon. It was a week day and my daughter had the day off from school. I liked being up there with fewer people, it was quiet and peaceful. There was a couple times I just wanted to sit and take in the splendor, so we did. Each turn was magical in its own way with color changes and the lake was very calm with some great reflections happening! When we saw the moose it was very cool because my daughter mentioned when we first got there that her friends always see a moose and as many times we have been there we never have. I guess the quietness helped bring her out in the open. It was also kind of scary for a few minutes, because she was sitting in the shrub hiding from the sun, but as we approached she got up and started heading in our direction. I was very nervous because her ears were back and there have been enough reports of moose attacks around our area that I paid attention to her signals. She was not completely comfortable, so we backed up slowly and quietly out of her space. She relaxed and moved on and then I was able to take some pics.

The situation made me think about my health issues with the weight and not feeling very able to take care of myself in tough situations. The first time I really encountered that emotion was scuba diving. I realized I was not very capable of handling a few things if a situation occurred and I was putting myself in danger and my dive buddy (husband) in danger. I developed anxiety trying to deal with that and decided I better not scuba anymore at least until I get a handle on my weight. These same emotions came up on this day when fear set in with the moose not being comfortable with our presence. This time though, I knew what to do and felt capable of the actions I needed to do and my thought processes did not give me a sense of inability. I must be getting a stronger mentality, at least to know I can do more than I used to think I could. 

One day I took my daughter and friends downtown for the Taylor Swift concert and I had no anxiety like I used to in the past, wondering how far I may have to walk. I used to not do things, because my body would be so tired and slow. I had quit doing things to avoid realizing how badly out of shape I was. I guess I was not ready to make changes and did not want to be faced with how bad things had gotten. Instead I quit living life. I used to get tired just walking a couple blocks and now I have no fear or worries about distance. I remember the first time we went to Silver Lake and how much anxiety I had about being able to make it all the way around. Now it is a breeze and easy, it is now a stroll instead of a hike. I am considering snow shoeing it this winter with all my kids for Christmas! It has been 3 years since everyone was able to be home for Christmas and I want to do something fun!

Today I weighed in again and was so excited! I dropped another 7.5 lbs since last weigh in! As I was typing I remembered one of the things I wanted to do this summer, but was to heavy. One day Dixie and I went up to Snowbird for a quick get out of the valley moment. When we got up there we saw the zip line and other things set up for summer fun. I have always wanted to ride a zip line and so I looked up what kind of weight restrictions there might be. I was over, but not far away as the weight limit is 280. I am so close! Next summer when they get those set up again, I will do the zip line! Probably the one at Park City though as it is a longer zip! I will fill safer too because by the time summer comes along I won't be right at the cut off weight.

 I can see my mind set changing about my approach to life! I am capable of doing more and more and I am so excited for the future!

Red Light Green Light

Over the last week I had some "You go girl moments" in which the mind set is shifting back to healthy eating. Several times this week while on my way home from work I wanted to stop and get food on my way home and I took the time to think about what I was about to do and did not do it (getting a burger or taco) and went home and ate something healthier like yogurt or cottage cheese with tomatoes. It really is a mind game for me. One night I worked till 1am and was very tempted to stop somewhere on my way home to get something, anything. As I was leaving my job site walking to my car I noticed a couple fast food places still open and thought, "I might just stop and grab a burger". I got in my car and said "no, don't do it", go home and eat some grapes or something, so I pulled away. On my way home getting closer to home (not even 3 miles later ugh ) is a 24 hrs a day taco place and I love tacos. I was thinking about stopping. See how quickly my mind lost the "no don't do it" to, "oh a taco sounds wonderful". Sitting across the street at the stop light, my mind went crazy with wanting a taco.  I am glad the light stayed red for awhile as there was no traffic and seemed like it was ridiculously slow at changing green for me, but that time saved me from myself. I was able to say " NO, Don't Do it!"  I will never get to my goals with the following mind set, thinking that I have been good this week and I missed eating some dinner tonight so I can have this. As I sat there at the red light thinking this,  I also came up with the thought, it is late and you are going to bed in the hour so there is no time to even digest, save your money and go home! As the light changed to green I was able with great pride to keep driving and go home! I truely felt great!
I really struggle with this environment...driving. You may think it is funny to call driving an environment, but for me it is. Driving becomes my mindless eating, not even hungry 90% of the time. The grilling smells of restaurants and even just driving by an In and Out or Chick Filet saying "oh man that sounds really good" plus,  I am by myself.  In the past being by myself I used it as my treat to stop and get a burger/chicken or taco. I know, not really a so called treat, huh? I think I have said this, but I love tacos!
I also went to a wedding this week and was so proud as I ate fresh fruit and a couple shrimp and a stuffed mushroom and a 1" ball that was like a tiny chicken cordon bleu thing and water! Oh and a chocolate covered strawberry! Yummy! No cake, No minature e'clairs  No seconds! I focused on chatting with people I have not seen in awhile and it was fun.
Meatless Monday came around and I made another wonderful new meatless meal! So good and full of veggies from the garden!
This week, I learned I can talk my way out of what my mind is trying to tell me and get my brain to shift gears to get it to tell me something else, something better, to be proud of the decisions I make. Now, I just need more stop lights to stay red for me a little longer to really think through my choices before the bad behavior takes control. A red light saved me from some calories and disappointment this week. Going through this week trying to get back on track I realize I have the ability to see, it is all in the mind. I can go down the road some day and have all green lights, for now I am thankful for the red lights!

Meatless Monday smells like Mexico

Getting back on track with changes in regards to my health has to start somewhere and Monday is a good day to focus. Monday's a few months past, I had started having Meatless Monday's for my meal planning. Over the summer meatless Monday's slowly dissipated. I loved Monday's because it forced me to learn some new recipes. Yesterday, I got back on that and I made some homemade pinto-re-fry style beans. I had always heard how much better and healthier it was to make your own and came up with a recipe earlier this year and I will never buy canned re-fried beans again! I made burritos with the beans, whole wheat tortillas,cheese and salsa and they were so very good! It has been quit a few months since I made them and Monday being a new start to focus on changes I made them again! I made a double batch so I would have left overs for some lunches too. Mexican food is one of my favorites and when my daughter came home from school and she opened the door, she said with great enthusiasm, "oh my gosh it smells so good, it smells like Mexico"! ( LOL, she has never been to Mexico - maybe she meant a Mexican restaurant).
My daughters above comment made me so happy, made me smile and be very pleased with my efforts. Then I thought; why do compliments regarding food make me/us so happy? Why do we try to please others and ourselves with food? I know we need food for nutrition and health, but the previous questions do not have anything really to do with why we need food. I enjoy cooking and getting compliments from what I have created. I know that since the beginning of time food has always been served at gatherings and I am probably being to hard on myself with that question. I guess I am trying to change how I think about food and not make it such a focus for me.
Yesterday, I also received a text from my daughter : "Have you exercised yet"?  I replied with the fact that I was cooking something for dinner that takes awhile to cook and I would after I got it going. I never did and had to admit that when she asked me again later. Sigh, I really need to make exercise a priority if I am ever going to make some additional progress in my weight loss efforts. I got the meal focus back in my head, now to get the workouts in. One day at a time, right? Today I am at home and set my focus on getting some yard work done and getting some fall decorations up. I need to get in a workout too and start making it part of my daily routine again. I will report back later when my day has come to a close. Are you able to make your workouts a priority in your day? I seem to go in waves and wish it was more like the mentality of, you shower and brush your teeth everyday, so why can't you make a workout part of everyday too? I am off to get the yard work done and will post how the rest of the day went later. Have a healthy day!

Living Life Conveniently is not Worth the Calories

There are times that everything you are doing right just fizzles down the drain. Labor day weekend was one of those times for me. My son came into town with his girlfriend and another friend. Which was awesome!

I made a hot breakfast for them when they arrived with all the fatty breakfast meats...so good, I love sausage and bacon, along with scrambled eggs. I also made some blueberry muffins and cran-orange muffins from a box. I also made cookies from a box, because it was cheaper than the bag of chocolate chips...yes, scratch is way better!. I have always made cookies from scratch so needless to say, box cookies are not that great. You would think with them not being all that great it would prevent me from wanting them, but no, I ate them anyway. In the past when I wanted something like that, it had to be the most fabulous cookie, chocolate or whatever so the calories were worth it and helped with a craving. Not all chocolates are created equal!  For some reason this Labor Day weekend, I did not think along those lines. I ate without a second thought to calories or fat. I also failed at dinner. We had a fire up one of the canyons and roasted hot dogs over it. Made and ate some homemade potato salad along with some potato chips, oh and s'mores. I also opted for juice (calories) instead of my usual water (no calories).It was all delicious, but not much in the healthy categories. Convenient foods seem to make life easy, but they are generally not healthy.  We did have some cantaloupe and I might add the best cantaloupe I have had in a few years!
When the weekend was over and my son left, I was like "whoa, what just happened"?

I realized a few things looking back at this; 1) I did what was easy and fun for the moment 2) convenience isn't all it is cracked up to be 3) one needs a plan to face these tough situations The good notes that came through this weekend, first the company was wonderful and it was so great to see my son and meet his friends! Totally enjoyed having him around even if it was very short lived! I  feel good when I am outside in the mountains. Looking for a picnic spot, I jumped at the chance to go scout out a place as it being Labor Day, all the places were very packed! I would have never done that in the past. In the past I was afraid of being to slow and breathing to hard even on a short walk.I would have saved my energy for the moment we actually had a spot to unload too. I was not afraid anymore, I just popped out of the car and did a quick walk thru at one of the sites! I am accepting the fact that quick in prompt too events are ok as long as I get back on track immediately following them.

Sometimes the occasion just calls for hot dogs, chips and s'mores and I need to allow that once in awhile, hot dogs on an open fire are the best!  I will never buy cookie mix anymore and do them from scratch instead! Muffins are ok from a box.
Convenient living is partially what got me to my fat zone and this weekend was a great reminder it isn't all it is cracked up to be. I like the time it takes to cook, smart and healthy and it is always delicious, plus I feel so gourmet chef when I cook from scratch. I am back on track and learned somethings along the way. I have also learned that I seriously need to make many more visits up the canyon! Hike, picnic, fire pits hang out  chatting with people I love, taking in the fresh air and the beauty of creation! It was a great weekend after all said and done, because the best parts have nothing to do with the food, it is the people we spend time with!

Figuring out my Blog, not my figure

I have been very slack once again and I tend to over think things with many things in my life, so I apollogize.

I have a friend who writes a blog http://myfoodnfitnessdiaries.com/and she was struggling with the name of it awhile back and kept renaming it, which made me start thinking about my Blog title. I have a hard time spelling Metamorphosis, it is not a word one uses very often. I thought I would try and come up with something new and wrote a bunch down to ponder for awhile. I was running them by a couple of my peeps and some gave me new ideas, but the suggestions strayed from the point and why I am writing it. When I looked up the meanings again, I decided with a boost from my daughter Daffney that it is named perfect for what I am doing, so it remains as is!
I have also struggled with what to write as I don't want things to be repetitive from past blog posts. My friend listed above with the blog asked me why I don't write more and I explained that I feel like I have expressed most of these emotions in my blogs before and did not want to repeat. She suggested I not worry about it and just share what my day was like facing different struggles and sucesses. Like I said I have a tendancy to over think things and realized I can make changes as I go, after all I am in a metamorphosis so I will be writing more even if it hits on something I have expressed before.
I was told by a couple people that sometimes my blog is too long and when they open it to read they sometimes do not have time to read it, so I am trying to shorten them. I have felt that way about a few I like to follow and I think I will get back to it when I have time to read it, sometimes I do and other times I forget. So I will try and make them shorter. (Not all ,because I do like to ramble sometimes.)
On a note about my health, I feel my clothes getting bigger on me! Some blouses I can actually button in the front and not leave open with a layered shirt. My shorts and pants I can pull down without unzipping or unbuttoning them. I hope no one tries to yank them now, that would be a total embarrasement! I will try and get some help to do some measurements to compare and post that soon. I need new clothes badly, but have such a long ways to go, so my question is at what point do you get new clothes when you know you have so much more weight to lose? I do not have money to spend every few months, so any suggestions? My next blog will be more about my health and less about my blog...LOL

Encouragement hit me today!

I have not weighed in for awhile mainly, because I have not felt like I have been doing enough to make this happen. One other reason is the Tuesday weigh in deal was not working for my daughter and I so we were going to go with Sundays,which we will get into action this next Sunday. So far it seems we keep forgetting till late into the day and no one wants to weigh in at night, right? Not me, you always weigh more at night than the earlier part of the day!
Today, we both remembered we need to get back on this and set up a routine.On our way down stairs to weigh in I was feeling like I was going to let her and myself down when I weighed in so I was dreading this. Dixie works hard at trying to keep me focused. I call her sometimes on my way home from work and ask her if she wants anything, a meal, a treat, anything to give me an excuse to stop for myself. She has been great at saying "mom, I am good, plus you want to save some money and lose weight right, so just come home and we can snack on something here". I am thankful to God each time she says such things, because I pray to Him to help me stay focused on treating my body with respect and the health that he has given me and focus better on my finances.
I have also not been exercising like I want to, mainly due to my new job. I am not enjoying it at all and looking again. I am drained and frustrated when I get home. Anxiety is triggering again, because of this job. I have no contact with people or feel like a part of a team or anything. The environment is lonely and frustrating. One plus to this job is I stand the whole time and bend and squat and lift boxes, so I get some activity out of it!
This week I am helping at our church Mega Sports Camp/ VBS and  Mondays word  for the day was "Change". It made me start thinking of what do I need to change in my life to live life better than I have been? I know there is much to change so I am dwelling on this thought and really trying to focus on what changes need to be made.
Tuesday the word for the day was "Endurance". I need endurance to complete this because it will be a long road. I was telling my daughter that I feel bad for people who do not have hope for the future.When things are tough or discouraging many people just settle for where they are and that is the way it will always be. This saddens me because Hope seems to be the thing that can keep me going. I know if I keep trying even after I fail I will get there. I know God will help me get there.  I am anxious to learn about the rest of the weeks words of the day as they are encouraging me on my journey.
God put my little Dixie here to help me and remind me of what I need to do. Last week we went on a hike! I am so happy she is willing to do things with me! We trekked through snow and mud and hills and I did it! It was not over whelming, nor did I wonder if I could do it. What I have learned in the past year is that I can do it, I just need to get out there and do it! We hiked about 2 1/2 miles and it was good!
In the mean time, I weighed in today. I have finally dropped below the 290 mark! I know this was suppose to be hit mid June, but I keep pressing on even when I do not hit my original goals. I can still achieve and set new goals!  I am enduring and hoping for the future. Finishing my race so to speak even if I do it at a turtle speed. I have been encouraged in so many ways the last 2 weeks and it hit me with a nice surprise today, weight loss! Your getting there Lisa one step at a time!

A Wedding can be a Big Motivator!

On May 1st, 2011 my daughter Daisy got engaged! On May 1st, 2011 I made a new commitment! Being a momma of the bride, I will get this done! My family will be growing and I will be shrinking! It is a new motivation and one with a deadline!
I have a little over a year to transform this body and I am so excited and feel like this is finally the motivation that will kick my butt into gear! I have not worn a dress in probably 12 years. I can remember the last time and it was for a family members wedding, actually 3 of them that year. It felt like I was wearing a big tarp or my grandma's moo moo. Not feeling very attractive in a dress I have stuck with slacks ever since, even at formal events and funerals. At the wedding,  I will wear a dress, I will look better for pictures as I have been avoiding the camera for over 25 years. I will have the energy and enjoy the wedding festivities with all the excitement and work that goes into it all and still look fresh and vibrant with my new found self!
I sat down and wrote out some specific goals and my daughter Dixie will be my head accountability partner in this. I am keeping a log of what I eat and what I do for exercise and she will be reading that. I will be weighing in with her on Tuesdays as that is "Biggest Loser " Day! I weighed in on Tuesday, May 3rd for the first time since my last post and weighed 302. My goal is 10 pounds a month. I figured it is very achievable, realistic and healthy and after a year I will be 120 pounds lighter and I have a few more months than that, so yeah even more! The wedding date has not officially been set yet, because it will be after she graduates college next May, but probably July or August of 2012!
I think the reason I am so excited that this weight loss will finally come off is I work well with deadlines and this deadline is an exciting one! A Wedding!
I don't know why I haven't thought of having a deadline before! Maybe there wasn't anything too exciting in the future that would be my reward. I could think of things I wanted to do differently and have the health, strength and energy to do them, but they are just things with no dates. Looking at my past I see that I have stayed focused for about 3-4 months before it all tapers off and I fall back to my old ways. I have let small set backs become big hold backs at getting it done. I am very sensitive and emotional in many ways and small things seem to knock me off my game. I don't have time to let those things get to me now with a deadline, I have to work through them!
Some of the healthy lifestyle changes I have made have stuck with me and I have made small progressions of change even when I lose focus. Everything I have done that included a deadline, I see I am more focused and work till I get the job done, even if I miss out on sleep and pull all nighter's or my body hurts so much from all the work I have done, I can still manage to keep moving and press on till the project is done. My past also shows me that when I don't have deadlines I take a very laid back approach at getting them done and they go to the back of the line for when I have extra time or think about it or feel like it. This can no longer be delayed.
I thought to myself that if this does not motivate me nothing will and I am a lost soul trying to be something I can never achieve. But then I realized, I never want to give up on this.I feel with all my heart and soul that this is my time to accomplish it! And not to give myself an out, but if this does not happen in the next year for this wedding, I will be signing up for Biggest Loser every season till I get on the show to get it done!
 So Tuesdays will be weigh in days and if I don't have anything ready to blog about I will at least post my weight, deal? Ok, it is a deal! And in Biggest Loser style in little over a year I will have my makeover and look and feel like a princess! Oops, I guess I will be the queen being the momma at the wedding of a princess! We will dance and celebrate her day in style!
Let the new journey begin!

The Missing Link

I continue to learn more and more about myself daily, weekly, monthly, by the season. As the last couple of months continue it seems I have fallen deeper and deeper into a depression I am battling to free myself of. In my life I have had small waves of depression and as soon as I recognize what is happening I have been able to pull myself out of it by changing my perception or attitude. Through those times I have learned how to look at the positives in life no matter how simple they are and be thankful. I have been the encourager, the positive out looker on things for others and myself and it isn't working lately to get me out of my dark self. As the last few months have passed it seems the negative wants to defeat me and take over, wallowing in self pity, not having the energy to keep fighting. I don't seem to be able to say some magically, uplifting, motivating, positive words that generally kick in a spark to move forward. My disappointment in myself is deflating me, I have let myself down, I have let others down.
There are many factors in my life that I am trying to change and none of them seem to be going anywhere. I have not made progress in my weight loss, I am still without a job and finances are getting tough and all are contributing to these emotions right now. I had quit my job mainly for health reasons, I was having migraines and stomach issues due to the stress of working at a job I was not happy doing. I knew this fact 3 months into the job, but hung in there for 3 1/2 years because it is an awesome company and I liked the people I worked with and there were many great perks. The job itself conflicted to much with my personality of who I am and I started getting ill more and more frequently. I have not been sick at all since I quit so for that reason it was good for me to leave. The part that is feeding into my depression, I thought I would have found a new job by now. I am getting weary from the search, the ups and downs of interviews and hope, to not getting the job. I feel prejudged based off of my size. The quick negative thoughts fill up my head and then I tell myself, " Lisa the economy is bad and the right job will come along, be patient and keep searching. There is a job with your name on it, God will provide". Another factor I think about, is all this time I have had to focus on my weight and for awhile I was doing good, but now it is like starting over again, back where I was when I started this blog. I am still jobless, financially struggling, and still battling getting control of my weight. A new discovery is the weather and it's negative affect on me. We have a long winter here and although I love the sun and snow, I discovered my downward mood changes when the sky is grey or when the snow melts and I can see the brown lifeless ground. When the snow falls or the skies are blue I am lifted up, perky, happy, energized so the weather at least this year is also playing a factor. Maybe the weather is playing into the depression, because like my life, I am ready for change and I keep getting teased with change, yet everything remains the same.
I know I need to take action for change to happen, but lately I have disillusioned myself into believing I don't have the strength or will power or a strong enough desire to make it happen, to be successful. I am totally discouraged with myself. I am lower than I have ever been in my life. I don't know how I can have all this knowledge and understanding of how to get it done yet not able to put it into practice. It is as if I am lacking  a part of the puzzle, missing a link. Why am I at the starting line again?
I have not given up, because giving up would be not caring anymore or even care to ponder the questions. I have mentioned once that when you start asking questions things seem to appear to help you answer those questions. It is happening for me, all the why questions getting answered.  God is trying to get my attention, literally! Blogs, books, Sunday messages, friends who care, all pointing me in the direction of the answers I seek.  The first strong attention getter came in the form of this blog; http://realdealdakota.blogspot.com/2011/03/what-gathers-us-together.html It asks what are you married to?
I realized I am married to food. I have a stronger addiction to food than I wanted to admit. Another eye opener that brought me to this conclusion is a book a friend lent me titled "Made to Crave" http://madetocrave.org/ . I have been craving food more than I crave God. All this time I have been working at transforming my life, myself,  instead of letting God transform me. I have prayed for strength and focus as I went along, but no other actions in my relationship with God.  I have been treating this relationship as a user and not really reaching out to get to know God, just a thought, a prayer to acknowledge His presence. Praying for others, but not involving him in my life. On my own, I have thought I wasn't worth transforming. I have a hard time loving myself. As I read and grow in my understanding of how much God loves me and wants more for me I need to let Gods love pour over me. I need to tear down the protective complacent walls I have built thinking I wasn't deserving of His love, not wanting to experience His love. When I feel His love I begin to cry and then I put up my wall, because I don't think I can go there, I don't deserve it. There is nothing I can do to earn His love. He loves me as I am, broken and hurting, so losing weight won't make Him love me more. I have been trying to perfect myself before I allow him to love me, yet he is there waiting for me to take his hand. I have known this and share that with others yet I was not applying it to myself. He loves us all beyond our knowledge or understanding of love. I know I am made for more than this life I have created for myself. I need to let God create my life, I need to accept the love, courage and wisdom He alone can give me to help me live for the greater things he has in store for me.
 I have read a couple things and wrote them down and taped to my fridge and food cupboard. One is a verse " Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial for me. I will not be mastered by anything" 1Corinthians 6:12 The other is a prayer I read from Made to Crave " God, I recognize I am made for more than this vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I need to eat to live not live to eat.So I ask you for your wisdom to know what to eat and your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me" Crave God more than I crave food, this is my missing link.
I can not do this on my own, I am reaching out with arms wide open ready to be transformed into what God has created, Lisa letting God love her.

Visually Medicated

As you know last week I came to the realization that with all the thoughts and information I have stored up in my little brain, I need a map. I have realized how aimlessly I have wandered along my trail. I think I know enough internally, I have read books, highlighted favorite inspirations and things I think would be helpful, turned the corners of pages down so that I can find them again quickly, I have learned from trainers, listened and watched  and been inspired by the Biggest Loser, yet the application is lacking on my part. It is kind of an overload of information that has been stored up in the thought processes yet no map as to how and use it all.

Last week after admitting I must need a map also meant I had to get to work on what that map would consist of. I started writing things down I thought would help me, things I need to change. Just one liners like what time to start dinner so we don't eat so late or how many days I will exercise.

I have verbally medicated myself several times to pull myself out of deeply seeded negative thoughts of myself. I have had friends verbally medicate with encouraging words. Last night I was talking with a friend who has his own battles and as we talked I realized we are verbally medicating each other. Giving out doses of encouragement and ideas of what steps we are taking to make changes to better our lives. He is the stronger one as we talk. He has helped people in my situation trying to lose weight and has learned much about looking at things in a different perspective. He is in the process of learning a new language to replace the time he used for drinking: to kick a bad habit and replace it with a good habit. He shared the things that transpired in his life that made him want to change and fix what is broken. We all have things in our lives, sometimes deep seeded that broke us at some point. A life like my cookie cutter blog. It is what we know. I think mine is a collaboration of things. I am always learning and growing and making changes, tweaking what I know.

I have always been strong at verbal medication. When I am down and those negative seeds start getting a grip on me, I know how to verbally dose myself with a positive pill. I am always a great encourager to others, but sometimes when it comes to myself, words sometimes are just words and even though the verbal dose pushes the negatives away for a bit, they seem to resurface again and again, which really means I am not yet fixed or healed. Talking with my friend, he said something along the lines of, when you are healed from those negative seeds they stop surfacing. Whatever triggers those will be healed when you have put something new in its place. Which brought me back to the fact that I need to say goodbye to myself in order for the new self to emerge. The verbal medication is a temporary fix. It keeps me going for a little while, but I need to change in order for it to completely heal me.

I have decided with my mapping that I am taking my verbal medication and making it visual medication. I am a person who learns by seeing and doing, a hands on approach, so maybe I need the visuals to help me stay focused. Writing it down and making goals visible works for many people so why not me. I don't have to think my way through, I can get my medication via visual aid. My map is becoming a real guide. This week I made an encouraging board of words, quotes and of activities I'd like to do.

I made another board reminding me about exercise.

I made some check list charts of the things I had mentioned in my map.

My map is complete for this week, ready to take aim on the path, the climb and as I climb into new territory I will keep looking at the map making adjustments for where I am so that I can continuously move forward.

I read a quote this week " SLOW is always better than NO"

I might be slow, but I have not said no. .

My front porch view inspires, I like when it is clear out as it is a visual reminder of some of my dreams.

Keep visualizing and it will keep you medicated for your dreams!

What is my GPS?

Oh my, what a week I have had since my last blog. I had so much to think about after my last posting. I have had a hard time wrapping my head around what do I do next. After all, my dream seems to keep crashing and I needed to clarify the answer as to why. Why do I so willingly take the first step yet never complete the climb? Why do I lose focus of a dream I have had for so long, to just turn around and keep starting over again and again?

I thought about the title to my blog; Logistics = supplying, equipping and moving. I picked this word because of its meaning and I realized that I am not applying it. I have figured out that I need a map. I don't want to get off track anymore. It is hard to keep gearing up and set forth at the beginning of the familiar trail and never reaching the top. Almost feels like the movie "Ground Hog Day" I keep repeating and starting over.
I have always had a good sense of direction. If I am not sure how to get somewhere, all I generally need is a quick glimpse of the map. I have never really needed great details to get where I was headed. I have driven across country a few times and other destinations and it is easy for me, so who needs a map; not me.
I am learning that in this case (losing weight), it isn't easy for me and I need that map! The concept of losing weight seems easy enough , eat right and exercise, a no brainer right? Apparently it is more complex than that, at least for me. If I am not succeeding in this endeavor I need to do something different. I can't keep repeating what isn't working.
I faced some things this week. One, I have been afraid of this journey, but not understood what I was so afraid of. I figured out that my fears are not about losing the weight, but what my life be like after I lose the weight. I have no idea what that life will be like. For some reason I haven't moved forward, because I don't have a clear and complete vision. I keep trying to invision it, but nothing.
Two, I don't seem to have strong, inspiring motivators in place to help me stay on the path. I realized my motivations are very vague, so I have reevaluated those.  One dream has been to travel, as many of us dream. To travel to far away lands seem to be out of reach for many of us, it is just a dream. Not impossible, but if I am lucky maybe it will happen. Maybe someday I will get the chance to go.This is the mind set many of us take towards our dreams. That is the approach to many of my dreams; just a thought, not something I am really working towards. The #1 place on this earth I have dreamed about seeing is the Fjords in Norway. I would love to take some sort of boat ride or cruise up one or more of these magnificent fjords. Hike across the tops looking downward. I sought out a few pictures this week to motivate me and will be alternating them on my computer wallpaper for a daily reminder. I have other dreams besides travel, but the beauty of Norway is very inspiring to me. Makes my heart long for something.

I find it interesting that when you start asking yourself questions and really seeking the answers, the answers seem to start appearing all around you. I read this quote this week which is actually an Irish Proverb: " You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind" This hit me in the face with a harsh slap! I need to stop mulling it over in my mind and write out a map. I have spent to much time just thinking about losing weight and not nearly enough time on the action. I am working on the map, the action plan to accomplish it. The weight loss part of this journey has things that are SMART= Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. I have been taught how to make specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely goals. I have failed in taking the time to write them out. For the above mentioned reason, I thought I needed to make goals that included the life that will follow the weight loss. The thing is this, those things that follow can't be put into the SMART formate of goals. It is the unknown. So I need to just map out the part I do know and take the actions that I can do today, a week at a time. God has a plan for the rest and I don't have to know what that is, I just have to trust him and do the part I am aware of
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I read a blog a couple days ago that was written by a girl I have recently met. Her life, her words totally inspired me to weeping tears. They fit so much with my struggle and have helped me better understand myself. To bring some answers to some of my questions. This young girl from Central Nebraska left everything and everyone she knows this week and flew to South Africa. She will be there for a year. She has been planning it for a while, but it came to fruition this last week and she has landed in South Africa! Why am I so amazed by this girl? What has inspired me? It is how she is following where God has led her. Not knowing exactly why, but trusting in him, living for Him, living a dream. Quoting Jordan Alexis Schroeder: "So here's to now. Here's to being lost in a whirlwind of confusion, here's to not having a map to life. Here's to having a dream, even if you don't know exactly what that dream is, here's to chasing your dreams, even if you don't have a path laid before you. Here's to the acceptance that sometimes you have to wave goodbye, not only to your home and to your safety net, but to yourself." She also stated in a little different wordage, "Here's to following God" . You have to read her whole blog because it is off the charts inspiring! http://jordanschroeder.blogspot.com/2011/01/heres-to-day-two.html

I learned something about myself with her words, I don't have to have the path laid out before me, because yeah...we don't have a map for life! It would be boring if we could see the whole thing and just follow along accomplishing the map with check marks. We have free will!  I learned that I have to step out of my safety net and this was probably the tear jerker of all, I have to say goodbye to not only what I know, but to myself. God is changing me and I need to let down that safety net and follow him. It is my Metamorphosis, it is what I want most, it is to be changed. Changed for Gods purpose, to be healthy and fit to accomplish what God wants of me...whatever that is, I don't know. I need to change the way I have been looking at things and put it into an action that I am not familiar with. Quoting Jordan, "God taught me something so important today! ... My thought process lately has been, "I am here, so what should I be doing? Who should I be?" But today God helped me realize that my thought process should actually be, "God is here, what is he doing? How can I join him? Who does he want me to become?".

Yes, I need a map for the weight loss and I am getting that figured out with some clarity. I do not want to live in fear of what life will be after that. I want to share that God is walking this step by step with me, he is the potter, I am the clay. He will shape me and mold me for this is what I pray. I will leave the future in Gods hands and take action on what I can do, today and tomorrow. I am ready for My Metamorphosis.

Thrown into the Mixing Bowl

The holidays have come and gone and I followed the same recipe I always have in the past and it is called "tradition". I am looking at my results and it is like a cookie cutter stamping out the same cookie over and over, the same Christmas as the year before and the year before that and so on.
Over the last couple years I have contemplated "what can I do, to change up Christmas" as it has kind of becoming a blur, because of the look a like copies of each year. The first thoughts of needed change have come with the fact my children are growing, moving to far away places and we all have jobs that seem to keep us apart on holidays. I have felt lonely and a need for change, but what? In this last year I have also added the thoughts regarding a healthier holiday. Just quick thoughts about needed change doesn't really get results. Even though I think about it, that cookie cutter just stamped out another Christmas without a new recipe.
I guess I should follow all the wisdom in magazine articles and set goals in writing, make an action plan, write a new recipe. When you want change, but fail to write a recipe you will get the same old cookie, because you will fall back on the recipe you already know all to well. I let that happen as I have yet to come up with an ingredient list and instructions as to how to make it happen.  Prep work is not exactly the fun part of anything, it is the results! I have to do the prep work for the results to be enjoyed. I think part of my problem is that I am not sure what the end results will be or exactly what I want them to be. I am afraid. I don't have the complete taste or hint of the spice that will be in the end result. I read a quote lately, "You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step" Dr MLK Jr  I feel like I keep taking that first step trying to attempt a new recipe, but then I go for what is easy and don't complete the rest of the staircase. I get out of breath, uncomfortable and stop and step back to what I know best, my comfortable place, the nice cookie cutter I use all the time. Possibly afraid of what is at the top. The not knowing, but I can't think of anything negative so why not, right?
I am a big lump of dough trying to figure out what I want to be. I easily let others shape me and mold me with requests of " oh your going to make ________ for Christmas, right? I love those!" or "We are having _______for" breakfast, dinner, Christmas eve whatever the traditional cookie cutter has produced in the past. I don't like to disappoint and what I have done is created tradition, a tradition that needs to be changed. I need to be the head chef and not only for me, but the whole family. Show them all a new recipe and that change is an adventure to be tasted. There will still be memories, new memories and not the same cookie year after year.
I have mentioned in a past blog that I don't really bake very much, but at Christmas all hell breaks loose in the kitchen and batches and batches of treats get made in a very short window of time. Why, because it is part of the tradition. In a 24 hr period I made 2 loaves of banana bread 1 w/ nuts 1 w/o nuts; 3 batches of  different types of cookies = 144 cookies; 3 batches of fudge  1 w/ nuts 1 w/o nuts and 1 peanut butter fudge = 60 pieces; 1 batch of scones = 16 pieces; and 2 types of dip for all the crackers and chips and it was devoured by mostly 3 people in a little over a week.  I did give a little of it away, but not much. All of the  ingredients I wanted to try and avoid, yet devoured, because I did not take the time to write out a new recipe.That lack of planning has resulted in extra dough on my body. I am back at the bottom of my mixing bowl wanting to rise to the top and be formed into something new.
This season I have grown to a new understanding of myself. My Christmas's are a reflection of the year. I keep picking the same cookie cutter, because it is easy to stamp out what I know. Basically this years results looks alot like I just got beat from one side of the bowl to another, rising and falling like a yeast dough. I went back to where I said I did not want to ever return...the temp of 300 +. In order for my results to change I need to venture out, write down a new ingredients list and the instructions to change the shape of my cookie. It is time to roll out the dough and do some prep work. I tried a few new things this last year. I had pinches of different seasonings and I liked it. I will add the new seasonings into my ingredients not by teaspoons full, but tablespoons and cups full and look for more ingredients so the formula results in the flavors I desire and want in my life. I will no longer be the cookie cutter, I am the chef! Head chef!  A new year and beyond with new flavors to behold...head Chef!
Whats cookin' in your life? any new ingredients? Lets all get out of the mixing bowl and become the chef, molding a new recipe for the year and years to come! Yes, Head Chef! Yes!