24 hours ago I was high on life! Everything I was doing seemed to have a great positive momentum and I thought I had finally figured out what will work for me to lose all this weight! I was on a roll, feeling good, seeing success, my weight loss graph had a big downward slope! I had great hope that I could go all the way with my task!
In the last month I had lost 11.5 lbs and 8 lbs of that have been since August 20th! Today, a rise on the graph took place. As I saw the graph on my Wii create a new peak and have the Mii tell me I am Obese, I yelled out loud a big frustrated "Duh! That is why I am on here ya dumb shit"! The Wii says it every time I get on, but today it really bugged me, because instead of heading in the direction I wanted, it rose 3 lbs...ughhh!
I had a melt down and I am not talking fat melting, but a mental melt down! I started crying! Why does one day matter so much? I started pacing the room yelling at myself, even used the eF word which to me is one of the worst words ever and I hate hearing others use it. Yet here I am, eF this and eF that directed at myself! I got mad and decided I was going to workout so I hopped on the Wii crying my eyes out! I was bound and determined to not let it knock me down, I was not going to let the mental negatives take over! I was in fighting mode!
Lets just say that with all the determined fight I had inside screaming to get past this moment, it actually got worse. Each and every exercise was a battle that I was not winning. The first 3 or 4 exercises I did today, I was getting the worst scores ever on! Oh what a rotten, depressing day! I thought I had a melt down a few minutes earlier, now I am sobbing wondering what in the hell is wrong with me! Why does this day have to be! It feels defeating. I lost my mojo, my confidence and feel that I know nothing anymore! I wanted to go back to bed and pretend it is just a nightmare. I was crying so hard and so mad at myself and wondered what it was going to take. I stared out the window sobbing hoping nobody heard me cursing ( it was pretty loud, I was happy the windows weren't open!) wondering how I was going to get through this day.
I am happy to report that I am blessed with a brain function that realizes when I am hard on myself like this, I have the capability to recognize that what I am doing to myself is self destructive and not going to be of any benefit and quickly I shift gears. I decide I need to fight the negative and get back to work. I can do this!
I don't know why I let this one day matter so much! Why do such events hit me so hard and tear me down. After all there are so many more great days than this lousy one day so why let it get to me?
I started to think about that more, "why does this one day matter so much" and discovered I was saying it negatively, so I switched where I was enunciating the phrase and heard it in a positive way instead. When I am mad at myself I tend to dwell on words over and over again and this time I heard the phrase differently then how I was using it. Instead of crying about it, learn from it!
I started asking myself questions about why would there be such a big difference in 24 hours, what is this picture I have to face? What can I learn?
I started looking at my food intake and discovered an underlying problem. I rewarded myself with food, hum. There it is! And it is NOT good! I had been doing so well with my workouts and careful with what I was eating that when a nice momentum took hold I had a sense of freedom, because something was working. I felt invincible! I had it going on and nothing was going to stop me! I felt like I had this weight loss figured out and in the bag! So with this high I was on I made a couple meals that I love and instead of leaving out the unhealthy ingredients I went all out! I seemed to not care, I do remember a brief thought of "man,I probably shouldn't do this, but these couple things won't be that big of a deal. After all my metabolism seems to be kicking in to a higher level working for me now!"...Did I listen...nope, because I am invincible! I have read not to totally deprive yourself some of your food pleasures so you won't binge out on it at some point and used that as part of my excuse. LOL..oh my, ya right and now I see that on the scale. I failed on the scale! I failed in my decision making! Now I am paying for it....suck!
Why does one day matter so much? Today mattered because even through all the tears and the melt down, I grew and learned something about myself; I reward myself with food. Now move on and find another way to reward myself! I also did not give up today. When I was crying and wanted to go back to bed and forget about it all, I realized I am one tough cookie! I stayed down stairs, whipped away my tears and jumped back on the Wii for a 2 hour workout! I burned 720 calories...yes ma'am! I can do this and each day does matter because I am growing and learning what I need to do, who I am and what I am am capable of...something far greater than what I have done so far! Now I need to make each day matter!
When you are faced with a horrid moment or day on your journey, don't let it take over! Whip away the tears, learn from it, focus on the successes and get up and move toward your dream!
This reminds me of a topic we discuss often at work. I work at a treatment center for youth. Every time we get a new kid, we have to evaluate where they are at in their lives. They have a goal to accomplish to get out of there, but how do they get there? We often give an analogy of going to Disneyland.
ReplyDeleteIf I decided to go to Disneyland tomorrow, I easily could. I have money in my bank account, I own a car, I own a map, I know where Disneyland is located, I have AAA in case something happens, I have a friend I can bring along as a copilot. Many of the kids I am working with though have no idea where Disneyland is, they can't drive, they can't read a map, and they have no money.
If they don't have a goal to go to Disneyland, there isn't much of a need to learn those things and certainly no motivation. But when they have a goal to go to Disneyland, they can make smaller goals of learning to read a map, getting a job to earn money, etc.
Set a goal for Disneyland and you will hit road bumps but you will get there, whether you know how to get there or you have to accomplish other goals to get there. You can accomplish so much mom!!!
You are amazing! I admire you and read your encouraging words every time you post! I miss your positivity but glad I can keep them with me her. You GO girl! :) Love ya.
ReplyDelete