In the business world many would say to be successful there needs to be an upward trend of progress in order to show success, but there are some things in life that the downward trend is better at showing success.
My success would be the result of a downward trend; weight loss!
On Wii there are all kinds of graphs and charts. On each exercise there is the top 10 scores and when you beat your own best score or hit the #1 spot it cheers you on and you feel sucessful. There are also charts to see what type of exercises you are doing each day, how long you work in those catagories. There are charts for other things as well but the #1 graph I spend time on is the graph that charts my weight. Oh how badly I want to see it going in a downward trend.
I realize weight loss is a battle of tweeking this or that to be successful and getting into a healthy lifestyle that becomes a natural patten in your life. I am realizing also how much tweeking needs to be done. I think I know and understand exactly what to do yet my graph is not displaying this.
Wii allows you to set goals and a time frame for those goals. I so far have been setting my goals in 2 week increments expecting to lose 3.5 lbs. Wii says I should set it at 2 lbs as that is the healthier thing to do. I don't want to listen because I want more than that! 1lb a week would take me 3 years to hit my target weight...I don't think I can handle waiting that long! So I set goals of 3.5 lbs every 2 weeks, I have yet to be successful. I feel it is a reasonable goal , but I have yet to have a stamp on the 2 week calander that shows success. Hum, I am actually wondering what Wii does to celebrate that with you.
Anyway, I started looking at my weight loss graph, I actually am addicted to my graph! I stare at it as if to manipulate it to read something else. I have had times when I wanted to throw the controller at the TV and yell profanities at it. I have sat and laughed in disbelief. I have wondered if the Wii scale is inaccurate and re weighed myself. It lets you select at the beginning how heavy your cloths might be, I have thought about choosing the heavier just to see 2 lbs difference. I have gotten off the scale frustrated at what I see and run upstairs go to the bathroom and come back and weigh myself again. A little bit of pee doesn't weigh very much by the way, only a few onces. So lying to myself wont help, Wii places it all out on the line for me to see. My own personal trainer.
I have started to look at my graph differently this last week as it has been 1 week since I quit my job to really focus on this task I have before me. My graph has so many up and down lines to it , I am thinking I am drawing a silhoutee picture of the Sawtooth Mountains ( they're in Idaho and very sharp peaks and valley's hence the name sawtooth) My graph jumps up and down all over the place. In the matter of one day I can loose 2 lbs (yippee) and the next couple days gain 3 lbs back- uggh! Up, down, up and down it goes. I get excited, frustrated and discouraged so I found myself staring at the graph wondering what am I doing wrong? Why oh why can't I see a drawing of a downhill ski jump on my graph instead? (without the jump of course- just the downhill)
Well, as I sit and stare at it, I realized something; there is progress sitting there before my eyes to see. I just had to change how I was looking at it. Instead of focusing on the ups and downs there is a steady progression sloping downward. I can see the valleys progressing downward and the peaks are as well. So My highest mountain peak was reached 3 weeks ago since I started working out on Wii, I had one peak come mighty close. The second highest peaks on mountain ranges do not make the cut there can only be one highest peak. I have one highest peak the rest are smaller in size. My valleys are getting deeper than the ones before.
If you don't understand what I am saying it is this..... I am successful! I have a downward trend of progress happening! On an even clearer picture I can paint for you, I have lost 6 1/2 lbs in the last 20 days! I may not be successful on my 2 week goals so far, but I am heading in a downward succesful pattern to hit the goal! Jumping up and down! Moving and shaking! Did you know that after 25 minutes of exercise, your mood improves, you are less stressed, you have more energy and you will be more motivated to exercise again tomorrow? Get out there and start moving!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Change in the tide.
Changes won't happen if I just keep repeating the same thing over and over and I want results...therefore I need to change. I read this quote today: Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore - Andre Gide
Yesterday, I quit my job. Whew and I feel such relief! I have contemplated it for awhile but was lacking confidence in myself to make a change.I love the friends and people I work with! I worked for a company that is truely amazing. Not many companies out there like this one! They have high standards, take good care of employees, give back to people in need, have a great product and has a high ethics and integrity. So why quit? My job was not very fullfiling. I did not like what I was doing and was really not a good fit for me. Do i know what is a good fit?...not yet.
I have been able to figure this out though, because I was so unhappy in my job it was affecting my overall health. I have battled depression, anxiety attacks, stomache issues and I would get very overwhelmed of the thought that I needed to change but have lacked confidence in myself to do so.I have missed a bunch of days at work and then get frustrated that I was so weak to get myself out of bed and just go.I would force myself to be stronger and then the whole cycle breaks down out of unhappiness that it became a vicious cycle. All those symptoms I have been suffering are not benefitting me towards weight loss either. It is a horrible combination. Doing something you do not enjoy can wreck havack on your mind and body.
Now this choice of quiting work is not very fair to my husband in the financial end because now he will be caring that burden at least for a little while. I figured my health is more valuable then that right now. I need to take control and get it done. I need to remove factors right now that are not benefitting me because they are consumming me from focusing on what I really need in order to move forward.
I have had to many things in my life that I am trying to improve on, that working a little here and there on this or that seems to be getting me no where. To much juggling and mind shifts. I think my life has become somewhat like the game of Hop Scotch. I keep throwing the stone out to learn something new, yet not mastering it because I have to keep throwing the stone and it changes everything up again.I keep landing and jumping from one spot to another, I get a glimps that I can do it and then the stone is somewhere else and I have to rethink the whole thing. I am tired of feeling that way. Not ever really accomplishing anything just bits and pieces.
I am hopefully taking 6 mo to a year off to get the weight part in control which will give me confidence with an accomplishment and my appearance. I am looking forward to this. I do need to set a schedule up for myself as having this much time freedom could also become a bad thing. I failed today with day one. Before my daughter and i went to bed we talked about getting up at 7 and going to a near by park to walk. I tossed and turned all night, my head filled with how to get myself organized. I want this change to be a very successful change and very worth not working right now. So when 6:45 came I turned my alarm off thinking I need the sleep. I think I slept a total of 2 hours. If my daughter wakes up on time she will come make sure I am awake and we will be on track. LOL well, her alarm went off a half hour after mine, she knew I was still asleep so she went back to sleep. I woke at 8:30 she at 10:30. We made it to the park at 1 and it was blazing hot. I did challenge myself on a very steep path and then the more level walk around the park. So we walked 1 mile in the heat, not any shade so I was done!
So back to my beginning quote: I have courage to leave the shore and swim in the waters of change and discover what is ahead of me and it feels great! A stroke of courage in the right direction out to uncharted territory; at least for me.
Yesterday, I quit my job. Whew and I feel such relief! I have contemplated it for awhile but was lacking confidence in myself to make a change.I love the friends and people I work with! I worked for a company that is truely amazing. Not many companies out there like this one! They have high standards, take good care of employees, give back to people in need, have a great product and has a high ethics and integrity. So why quit? My job was not very fullfiling. I did not like what I was doing and was really not a good fit for me. Do i know what is a good fit?...not yet.
I have been able to figure this out though, because I was so unhappy in my job it was affecting my overall health. I have battled depression, anxiety attacks, stomache issues and I would get very overwhelmed of the thought that I needed to change but have lacked confidence in myself to do so.I have missed a bunch of days at work and then get frustrated that I was so weak to get myself out of bed and just go.I would force myself to be stronger and then the whole cycle breaks down out of unhappiness that it became a vicious cycle. All those symptoms I have been suffering are not benefitting me towards weight loss either. It is a horrible combination. Doing something you do not enjoy can wreck havack on your mind and body.
Now this choice of quiting work is not very fair to my husband in the financial end because now he will be caring that burden at least for a little while. I figured my health is more valuable then that right now. I need to take control and get it done. I need to remove factors right now that are not benefitting me because they are consumming me from focusing on what I really need in order to move forward.
I have had to many things in my life that I am trying to improve on, that working a little here and there on this or that seems to be getting me no where. To much juggling and mind shifts. I think my life has become somewhat like the game of Hop Scotch. I keep throwing the stone out to learn something new, yet not mastering it because I have to keep throwing the stone and it changes everything up again.I keep landing and jumping from one spot to another, I get a glimps that I can do it and then the stone is somewhere else and I have to rethink the whole thing. I am tired of feeling that way. Not ever really accomplishing anything just bits and pieces.
I am hopefully taking 6 mo to a year off to get the weight part in control which will give me confidence with an accomplishment and my appearance. I am looking forward to this. I do need to set a schedule up for myself as having this much time freedom could also become a bad thing. I failed today with day one. Before my daughter and i went to bed we talked about getting up at 7 and going to a near by park to walk. I tossed and turned all night, my head filled with how to get myself organized. I want this change to be a very successful change and very worth not working right now. So when 6:45 came I turned my alarm off thinking I need the sleep. I think I slept a total of 2 hours. If my daughter wakes up on time she will come make sure I am awake and we will be on track. LOL well, her alarm went off a half hour after mine, she knew I was still asleep so she went back to sleep. I woke at 8:30 she at 10:30. We made it to the park at 1 and it was blazing hot. I did challenge myself on a very steep path and then the more level walk around the park. So we walked 1 mile in the heat, not any shade so I was done!
So back to my beginning quote: I have courage to leave the shore and swim in the waters of change and discover what is ahead of me and it feels great! A stroke of courage in the right direction out to uncharted territory; at least for me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Facing Fear
I started out with my first thought about this blog being about what gives me inspiration and hope to become better than I am. The reason I struggle with this question is because I have answers for what inspires me yet I am not successful.
My inspirations and hope have come from seeing others succeed at this big job of losing alot of weight. If they can do it that means it isn't impossible. I am one who likes a challenge even when it seems overwhelming. Yet when it comes to many aspects of my life, I do not feel very successful at anything. I go through ups and downs being inspired. When it comes to my weight loss the biggest inspiration has come thru watching the show the Biggest Loser. I get a look at what their life is like before hand, sitting afraid and unable to motivate themselves to move. Their lives resemble my own life. I watch them cry and work hard to make changes and a transformation takes place before my eyes and it gives me hope. Makes me realize it is a matter of making some changes. I see also what their life becomes after losing weight. They are living! They are happier, healthier and sharing in activities with their friends, parents, spouses, and children. They are playing, swimming , hiking even cooking together. It is their lifestyle to enjoy each other in the adventure of healthy changes together.
As I thought on this and I am still processing more on these thoughts I realized a fear I have deep within me that is bubbling out to the surface. I have realized over time that I have a fear regarding these issues, but I have never taken the time to pin point what it is. I am now in tears realizing the fear and not sure how to move on past it to be successful, but I have too.
My fear is this: What if after losing all this weight the person that matters most in my life never says anything to acknowledge it, never says a word? Yes this person is my husband. The reason I fear this is because he is not one to notice changes or compliment them or anything. Nothing negative or positive. I have had great hair cuts where great lengths have been chopped off....not a word said. I have had my hair styled to fun flirty sexy styles, get all kinds of compliments from others, get all excited for him to see it.....not a word. I have gotten all dressed up, new clothes, makeup for a date with him which we hardly ever do...not a word. My kids will exclaim how nice I look, say wow mom you look amazing in his presence and still not a word. Not a glance, not a smile anything to say, wow you look beautiful!
When I was preparing for trying out for the Biggest Loser I had many visions of myself on the show. One vision I had was when the members in the last weeks would get to go out and have a makeover done. New hair, makeup, clothes the works! For me as a viewer it was a jaw dropping transformation. The show staff would arrange to surprise the cast members with a visit and the revealing of their new body to their families. I would weep every time! When I invisioned this makeover for myself I could see me in new stylish beautiful clothes. ( Right now my style is t-shirts in many colors, fancier are the ones that have collars and bottons, yet still t-shirts) I saw myself standing in front of a mirror admiring my new body, reflecting on the changes and hard work it took to transform what I was looking at. I feel sexy, beautiful and alive grinning from ear to ear. A door opens and there standing before me is my husband. I look at him in tears full of joy and pride at what I have been able to do, my arms stretched out as if to say look at this! A Vanna White move showing off the new me and can you believe this accomplishment and glowing over myself! My vision ends. My vision never has a response by him. He never says, wow! You look amazing! I knew you could do this!
I realize after thinking this through that it is because he never has shared such expressions with me. It is painful that I can not think of a single moment that sticks out that he has expressed how beautiful I look in his eyes. No compliments except about my cooking from time to time. I desire to be attractive to him and he tell me so. I have had my kids tell me I look good, my mom tell me how talented I am, my friends even male friends tell me what a beautiful person I am. Why doesn't my husband say these things? I am sure it is his personality and nothing personal towards me. It still hurts even though I know this of him. I figure it can't be me personally if others recognize these things in me and tell me so, but it is hard to believe when your spouse isn't saying it. We all want our spouse to adore us and let us know it.
Over the last couple years I have made many strides in my transformation. I have had many friends compliment me on the postive things they are seeing in me. How I carry myself with more energy, more confidence, a noticed attitude difference, I smile alot more and am physically changing with a tighter looking body. Granted I am still pretty fat , but all the changes are being noticed. But I get to a point I give up. The person I want to say something doesn't and it becomes a why do all this work if it doesn't change how he sees me? I have tried to convince myself it was because he sees me daily and it is harder to notice, but the people making the comments see me 5 days a week at work or 3-4 days a week at the gym and 1 day a week at church, they all notice and say something so why doesn't he? I guess he has always been like this, so why am I expecting something different? The main reason is I desire it, I want it, I need it.
I have thought that if I lose weight we would do more things together. I wouldn't be so embarrassing to be seen with. He would take me out more on dates. Not sure if that will happen, but based off of the past my fear is no. It isn't that this is really why we don't go out now, but it is the way my thoughts take me. He has never said anything to make me feel this way, but sometimes not saying anything at all leaves me to my own conclusion. I feel I am not worthy of this life I dream of, that I don't deserve to be taken out. I have had these thoughts for along time. I mean really; men like to take their beauty out and experience life with them showing them off to the world, right?
I now understand what I am so afraid of. I fear I will bust my butt and transform myself, but my husband will never say anything. He will never ackowledge my hard work, my new body, my new energy. My desire to be loved by him differently than what I have settled for and accepted as my life. I fear I will remain unnoticed by the one that matters most. Can I accept that if that is what really happens? can I do this for just me? When I get there and I am different, then what? Can I live this vision without him if he won't join me? I am realizing he is a home body, but I am not. I am as of now, because that is how we live. I am done sitting at home. I have missed out on things I have wanted to do waiting for him to join me. I have asked him to join me, but he always says no. In the past I ended out not doing things, because he won't go with me. I am learning it is ok to go ahead and venture out on my own. Well actually I have had my youngest take off on the adventures with me but soon she won't be here and I will have to go on my own. I want my life to be different and I can picture it. I just hope he will want to do these things with me. I have to play and have my adventures even if it is without him. I drather him live these things with me. Can I survive the changes without him saying you did good? You are strong? You are talented? You are beautiful? This is my fear; that he won't.
My inspirations and hope have come from seeing others succeed at this big job of losing alot of weight. If they can do it that means it isn't impossible. I am one who likes a challenge even when it seems overwhelming. Yet when it comes to many aspects of my life, I do not feel very successful at anything. I go through ups and downs being inspired. When it comes to my weight loss the biggest inspiration has come thru watching the show the Biggest Loser. I get a look at what their life is like before hand, sitting afraid and unable to motivate themselves to move. Their lives resemble my own life. I watch them cry and work hard to make changes and a transformation takes place before my eyes and it gives me hope. Makes me realize it is a matter of making some changes. I see also what their life becomes after losing weight. They are living! They are happier, healthier and sharing in activities with their friends, parents, spouses, and children. They are playing, swimming , hiking even cooking together. It is their lifestyle to enjoy each other in the adventure of healthy changes together.
As I thought on this and I am still processing more on these thoughts I realized a fear I have deep within me that is bubbling out to the surface. I have realized over time that I have a fear regarding these issues, but I have never taken the time to pin point what it is. I am now in tears realizing the fear and not sure how to move on past it to be successful, but I have too.
My fear is this: What if after losing all this weight the person that matters most in my life never says anything to acknowledge it, never says a word? Yes this person is my husband. The reason I fear this is because he is not one to notice changes or compliment them or anything. Nothing negative or positive. I have had great hair cuts where great lengths have been chopped off....not a word said. I have had my hair styled to fun flirty sexy styles, get all kinds of compliments from others, get all excited for him to see it.....not a word. I have gotten all dressed up, new clothes, makeup for a date with him which we hardly ever do...not a word. My kids will exclaim how nice I look, say wow mom you look amazing in his presence and still not a word. Not a glance, not a smile anything to say, wow you look beautiful!
When I was preparing for trying out for the Biggest Loser I had many visions of myself on the show. One vision I had was when the members in the last weeks would get to go out and have a makeover done. New hair, makeup, clothes the works! For me as a viewer it was a jaw dropping transformation. The show staff would arrange to surprise the cast members with a visit and the revealing of their new body to their families. I would weep every time! When I invisioned this makeover for myself I could see me in new stylish beautiful clothes. ( Right now my style is t-shirts in many colors, fancier are the ones that have collars and bottons, yet still t-shirts) I saw myself standing in front of a mirror admiring my new body, reflecting on the changes and hard work it took to transform what I was looking at. I feel sexy, beautiful and alive grinning from ear to ear. A door opens and there standing before me is my husband. I look at him in tears full of joy and pride at what I have been able to do, my arms stretched out as if to say look at this! A Vanna White move showing off the new me and can you believe this accomplishment and glowing over myself! My vision ends. My vision never has a response by him. He never says, wow! You look amazing! I knew you could do this!
I realize after thinking this through that it is because he never has shared such expressions with me. It is painful that I can not think of a single moment that sticks out that he has expressed how beautiful I look in his eyes. No compliments except about my cooking from time to time. I desire to be attractive to him and he tell me so. I have had my kids tell me I look good, my mom tell me how talented I am, my friends even male friends tell me what a beautiful person I am. Why doesn't my husband say these things? I am sure it is his personality and nothing personal towards me. It still hurts even though I know this of him. I figure it can't be me personally if others recognize these things in me and tell me so, but it is hard to believe when your spouse isn't saying it. We all want our spouse to adore us and let us know it.
Over the last couple years I have made many strides in my transformation. I have had many friends compliment me on the postive things they are seeing in me. How I carry myself with more energy, more confidence, a noticed attitude difference, I smile alot more and am physically changing with a tighter looking body. Granted I am still pretty fat , but all the changes are being noticed. But I get to a point I give up. The person I want to say something doesn't and it becomes a why do all this work if it doesn't change how he sees me? I have tried to convince myself it was because he sees me daily and it is harder to notice, but the people making the comments see me 5 days a week at work or 3-4 days a week at the gym and 1 day a week at church, they all notice and say something so why doesn't he? I guess he has always been like this, so why am I expecting something different? The main reason is I desire it, I want it, I need it.
I have thought that if I lose weight we would do more things together. I wouldn't be so embarrassing to be seen with. He would take me out more on dates. Not sure if that will happen, but based off of the past my fear is no. It isn't that this is really why we don't go out now, but it is the way my thoughts take me. He has never said anything to make me feel this way, but sometimes not saying anything at all leaves me to my own conclusion. I feel I am not worthy of this life I dream of, that I don't deserve to be taken out. I have had these thoughts for along time. I mean really; men like to take their beauty out and experience life with them showing them off to the world, right?
I now understand what I am so afraid of. I fear I will bust my butt and transform myself, but my husband will never say anything. He will never ackowledge my hard work, my new body, my new energy. My desire to be loved by him differently than what I have settled for and accepted as my life. I fear I will remain unnoticed by the one that matters most. Can I accept that if that is what really happens? can I do this for just me? When I get there and I am different, then what? Can I live this vision without him if he won't join me? I am realizing he is a home body, but I am not. I am as of now, because that is how we live. I am done sitting at home. I have missed out on things I have wanted to do waiting for him to join me. I have asked him to join me, but he always says no. In the past I ended out not doing things, because he won't go with me. I am learning it is ok to go ahead and venture out on my own. Well actually I have had my youngest take off on the adventures with me but soon she won't be here and I will have to go on my own. I want my life to be different and I can picture it. I just hope he will want to do these things with me. I have to play and have my adventures even if it is without him. I drather him live these things with me. Can I survive the changes without him saying you did good? You are strong? You are talented? You are beautiful? This is my fear; that he won't.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Mii and Wii
About a month ago, I lost my full time status at work and also lost one of my benefits that I loved. It was one that helped to pay for my Gym Membership. The gym is kind of an expensive one, but was very much worth it, wonderful people and nice facilities, but on my own I can not afford it anymore. I had to rethink how I was going to get my exercising done. It was a hard choice to cancel, because I have had lots of encouragement from the trainers there. The trainers taught me well and there are things I can do at home. I bought a yoga ball, resistant band, barbells, yoga mat and Wii Fit Plus, Wii Biggest Loser, Wii Sports and Jillians 30 day shred! I still want to get a bosu ball and a 6-8 lbs medicine ball.
I worried most about getting cardio in as I really hate the cardio. I had to push myself at the gym with cardio, because I know it is important in weight loss so it had to be done. At the gym I walked on the tredmill and learned to challenge myself on that. Cardio at home I was thinking was going to be a challenge. I love strength and balance exercises best.
Almost two weeks ago I started working out on the Wii and have logged 10 + hours on it in that time so far. I am actually sweating more than I did at the gym. I have always thought sweat was disgusting! Even though I have learned that sweating is a good thing when you are trying to lose weight , but I still find it gross. I am thinking that when I was at the gym I was so self conscious of sweating to much or breathing to hard that I did not push myself as hard in fear of what people thought. At home it does not matter! I am working harder!
I like the competitive me! I push to exceed my latest score or beat my speed on the various exercises on Wii. I am working out longer than an hour at a time now. When I start sweating I push myself longer to keep it sweating. Gross I know, but it is a positive just the same. At the gym, I was getting bored and had to push myself to stay there at least an hour. I am enjoying that I can do this at home now and longer than I anticiapted. I am excited that I am making myself do this at home, because I truely thought I would flake out on myself. In this little bit of time I am starting to feel the energy level increase. I am improving on my skills of speed, endurance, and balance.
The body is an amazing piece of art. No matter how much you weigh, in just a very short period of time, when you feed it right and exercise, your body says thank you! What an amazing God! The creator of these bodies, His design with a purpose!
I know I am just beginning here to do what I need to do, but I feel the courage to continue is strong. Good things are happening with this body, mind and spirit.
I worried most about getting cardio in as I really hate the cardio. I had to push myself at the gym with cardio, because I know it is important in weight loss so it had to be done. At the gym I walked on the tredmill and learned to challenge myself on that. Cardio at home I was thinking was going to be a challenge. I love strength and balance exercises best.
Almost two weeks ago I started working out on the Wii and have logged 10 + hours on it in that time so far. I am actually sweating more than I did at the gym. I have always thought sweat was disgusting! Even though I have learned that sweating is a good thing when you are trying to lose weight , but I still find it gross. I am thinking that when I was at the gym I was so self conscious of sweating to much or breathing to hard that I did not push myself as hard in fear of what people thought. At home it does not matter! I am working harder!
I like the competitive me! I push to exceed my latest score or beat my speed on the various exercises on Wii. I am working out longer than an hour at a time now. When I start sweating I push myself longer to keep it sweating. Gross I know, but it is a positive just the same. At the gym, I was getting bored and had to push myself to stay there at least an hour. I am enjoying that I can do this at home now and longer than I anticiapted. I am excited that I am making myself do this at home, because I truely thought I would flake out on myself. In this little bit of time I am starting to feel the energy level increase. I am improving on my skills of speed, endurance, and balance.
The body is an amazing piece of art. No matter how much you weigh, in just a very short period of time, when you feed it right and exercise, your body says thank you! What an amazing God! The creator of these bodies, His design with a purpose!
I know I am just beginning here to do what I need to do, but I feel the courage to continue is strong. Good things are happening with this body, mind and spirit.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
even baby steps are better than no steps
I think I have shared how easily I get frustrated with myself. The visual changes would seem more real, maybe because it would be a daily reminder looking in the mirror that all I am working for is there changing before my eyes. Instead, I have changes happening with endurance, energy, strength, balance, and coordination. These are things you can't see. Only I can feel them and I know where I was and how far I have come and am happy about these changes, but the frustration happens because I don't look at myself and see anything different. That is painful and I am tearing up as I say this. I have such a hard time excepting myself. I am reading a book called Captivating and although I have just started: it is showing me that I have a design with a purpose. I don't want to wait till the end to see if it helps direct me out of my lost state, because yet again I want to understand me now!
This NOW business is so deeply bred into our culture, food now, results now, me now it goes on and on. Culture has lost out on patience. I have fallen into that trap. I had a friend tell me about a year and a half ago that this change will take time. This did not happen over night so take the steps of changing and over time results start showing themselves. If you don't change you get the same results, you have to change to get different results.
I have made some big changes in my diet and exercise over the last 2 years and yes, I have changed. I also mess up and do everything against what I know I have to do.I give up on myself from time to time, but now I recognize it and am not afraid now to make changes. I posted something today on facebook that triggered what I was going to write about today, because it made me deal with my frustrations. Sometimes we don't finish things the way we invisioned it, but don't give up. 2 years ago I thought I would be way further along than I am. I have to remember that each step forward is a step in completing the goal. You can still get it done! I can still get it done! You don't have to come in first place, you win by moving forward and finishing. Even if it takes more time than you thought it should, keep pressing on. I am worth it...at least I am trying to tell myself that. Another thing to work on. If I had stopped doing everything towards my goal 6 months ago, I would be the same I was 6 months ago. I have changed and progress continues...my baby steps have mattered at getting me in the right direction. Now I must press onward. Welcome to my exisitence
This NOW business is so deeply bred into our culture, food now, results now, me now it goes on and on. Culture has lost out on patience. I have fallen into that trap. I had a friend tell me about a year and a half ago that this change will take time. This did not happen over night so take the steps of changing and over time results start showing themselves. If you don't change you get the same results, you have to change to get different results.
I have made some big changes in my diet and exercise over the last 2 years and yes, I have changed. I also mess up and do everything against what I know I have to do.I give up on myself from time to time, but now I recognize it and am not afraid now to make changes. I posted something today on facebook that triggered what I was going to write about today, because it made me deal with my frustrations. Sometimes we don't finish things the way we invisioned it, but don't give up. 2 years ago I thought I would be way further along than I am. I have to remember that each step forward is a step in completing the goal. You can still get it done! I can still get it done! You don't have to come in first place, you win by moving forward and finishing. Even if it takes more time than you thought it should, keep pressing on. I am worth it...at least I am trying to tell myself that. Another thing to work on. If I had stopped doing everything towards my goal 6 months ago, I would be the same I was 6 months ago. I have changed and progress continues...my baby steps have mattered at getting me in the right direction. Now I must press onward. Welcome to my exisitence
Monday, August 9, 2010
Hurting yet Moving
Today was overall a good day...except for my back hurting...kinda badly...I am moving stiffly, slowly, wincing, but some how I was able to exercise. My back pain happened, due to not being able to walk down the stairs properly....Yesterday I slipped, heels out from under me and took a strong jolt vibration to the back. Now you would ask with such pain happening how was it a good day? I am trying to be postive, but the good factors would be these: 1) I started my Food Diary and Exercise log today! 2) I was able to find exercises that did not hurt to badly and worked out on Wii for 2 hours and burned 702 calories...woot woot! 3) I ate all my meals as healthy meals and proper serving sizes. It helps having good food in the house and not out driving around hungry. Car + hunger = bad results...(drive thru happens).
Why I feel so good about today is that even though I am in pain and moving slow, my mind over powered the pain and I made a no excuses that I would do something to move and burn calories today. I missed work and not sure I will make it tomorrow, will see how the advil works. The pain has intensified as the evening wares on. Maybe I over did it with the injury.
I struggle with myself to get and stay motivated. I can think of a zillion things that should keep me motivated and for some reason they get lost in the thought process of just going through the motions. Health reasons, family, enjoying life, dreams and many things in between the lines that should motivate me. How come I have such a hard time keeping those in front of me? I know how good it feels to exercise...I love the happy endorphines that kick in the energy levels. I have experienced that feeling several times in my life over the last couple years. If it feels so good why do I stop? Who would not desire that feeling of being so alive and strong? I need to figure this out. It is a matter of life and death!
Note to self: make a vision board to look at daily for motivation.
Shake what your momma gave you and feel that happy endorphines take over!
Why I feel so good about today is that even though I am in pain and moving slow, my mind over powered the pain and I made a no excuses that I would do something to move and burn calories today. I missed work and not sure I will make it tomorrow, will see how the advil works. The pain has intensified as the evening wares on. Maybe I over did it with the injury.
I struggle with myself to get and stay motivated. I can think of a zillion things that should keep me motivated and for some reason they get lost in the thought process of just going through the motions. Health reasons, family, enjoying life, dreams and many things in between the lines that should motivate me. How come I have such a hard time keeping those in front of me? I know how good it feels to exercise...I love the happy endorphines that kick in the energy levels. I have experienced that feeling several times in my life over the last couple years. If it feels so good why do I stop? Who would not desire that feeling of being so alive and strong? I need to figure this out. It is a matter of life and death!
Note to self: make a vision board to look at daily for motivation.
Shake what your momma gave you and feel that happy endorphines take over!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
One of Many Steps
Today was a good day! I accomplished the first step in one of many goals I will be setting forth. This is where the "Logistics" of my blog title comes in to play. The whats of getting to the goal.
I have to start out though in all honesty about yesterday and the day before....they were rotten days. For some aweful reason the last 2 days I have been eating all the wrong things. Last night...was Panda. Sure they have some vegi's I could have chose from...but did I ?...NO! How did I feel afterwards?.... like a giant blob of lard. My stomache hurt so bad. I am thinking that my choices over the last couple days are reminding me about all the aweful choices I have made in the past...and repeating them in the last couple days, so I remember how horrible it feels to eat food that is not the best choices.
K, enough said about the bad and the ugly...time to move forward to today and look at the good!
One thing I have shared is that I would love to be getting into and on top of the mountains, hiking and enjoying the scenery. Today, I did the first hike! It was a mile hike. Granted it was probably one of the easiest hikes one could do in the mountains, as many would call it a walk, but with this weight of mine at 8500 feet above sea level....I did have a couple moments I was huffing and puffing. Did I enjoy it? Hell yes! It was a cool day up at the higher elevations as it was raining off and on. I did enjoy the smells. I love the smell of damp pine needles on the forest floor, camp fires and rain. It was a good day! I am glad it was cooler weather, because I totaly forgot about the possiblity of needing bug spray and if the weather would have been nicer, I would have been eaten alive. Me and bugs do not get along! It was a marshy grass border around the lake, so yikes if it had been nicer. (I did get a few bites just so ya know)
Even though the weather did not look good, I was happy, because I was able to bypass the excuse I could have used and went for it! Another issue I have to over come...excuses that I lay before myself to not push myself to go for it.
I was talking to a friend this week and he suggested I make a plan each week and write it down! He had a friend who had lost alot of weight and a key factor for him was to make a plan each week of how to make your goals come to life! He spent about 2 hours on Sundays writing it all down. I started on that key today. I have more work at focusing on the how, but I also included a shopping list as a how factor. I wrote down only healthy choices! And I shopped it! This week I need to start logging what I eat so I can see the calories I am taking in. I have a great web site http://www.livestrong.com/ which I have used off and on to log a food diary. It counts calories and exercise! I need to get back at that! Another thing to be accountable for. So, I ask someone to please ask me if I started logging my food this next week..OK?!
Step one of many to come, accomplished today and I feel good! Better than yesterday and the day before! Making steps towards health one step at a time even if it is all uphill!
I have to start out though in all honesty about yesterday and the day before....they were rotten days. For some aweful reason the last 2 days I have been eating all the wrong things. Last night...was Panda. Sure they have some vegi's I could have chose from...but did I ?...NO! How did I feel afterwards?.... like a giant blob of lard. My stomache hurt so bad. I am thinking that my choices over the last couple days are reminding me about all the aweful choices I have made in the past...and repeating them in the last couple days, so I remember how horrible it feels to eat food that is not the best choices.
K, enough said about the bad and the ugly...time to move forward to today and look at the good!
One thing I have shared is that I would love to be getting into and on top of the mountains, hiking and enjoying the scenery. Today, I did the first hike! It was a mile hike. Granted it was probably one of the easiest hikes one could do in the mountains, as many would call it a walk, but with this weight of mine at 8500 feet above sea level....I did have a couple moments I was huffing and puffing. Did I enjoy it? Hell yes! It was a cool day up at the higher elevations as it was raining off and on. I did enjoy the smells. I love the smell of damp pine needles on the forest floor, camp fires and rain. It was a good day! I am glad it was cooler weather, because I totaly forgot about the possiblity of needing bug spray and if the weather would have been nicer, I would have been eaten alive. Me and bugs do not get along! It was a marshy grass border around the lake, so yikes if it had been nicer. (I did get a few bites just so ya know)
Even though the weather did not look good, I was happy, because I was able to bypass the excuse I could have used and went for it! Another issue I have to over come...excuses that I lay before myself to not push myself to go for it.
I was talking to a friend this week and he suggested I make a plan each week and write it down! He had a friend who had lost alot of weight and a key factor for him was to make a plan each week of how to make your goals come to life! He spent about 2 hours on Sundays writing it all down. I started on that key today. I have more work at focusing on the how, but I also included a shopping list as a how factor. I wrote down only healthy choices! And I shopped it! This week I need to start logging what I eat so I can see the calories I am taking in. I have a great web site http://www.livestrong.com/ which I have used off and on to log a food diary. It counts calories and exercise! I need to get back at that! Another thing to be accountable for. So, I ask someone to please ask me if I started logging my food this next week..OK?!
Step one of many to come, accomplished today and I feel good! Better than yesterday and the day before! Making steps towards health one step at a time even if it is all uphill!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
How did I get so Lost?
I was thinking today that at some point in my life I lost myself. I am not sure when that happened. There isn't really any one moment in my life that could answer that. Being able to realize how lost I am is a start toward changing.That's a good thing! It isn't that I have not enjoyed many aspects of my life so far, I think I have had a wonderful life, but I have done more watching then participating. My husband and kids are truely wonderful and have huge caring, loving hearts. I think a big part of being lost right now is I have taken care of others and now I am pretty much alone. Maybe it is the weight gain that played the biggest part into me being lost. Why did I not recognize this 20 years ago, 10 years ago or the beginning of the biggest weight gain?
I know some people make changes when a drastic life event happens with their health. I guess as I am creeping up on years and I realize the potential of a life altering health event could happen and that frightens me. I need to change before that happens...I don't handle pressure very well, so I better do this before a Dr is tending to me. I have shed enough tears over these issues and I am sure there will be more.
It is hard for me to zoom in on my own desires. Somewhere I put in my head I am not worthy to live my desires. I had settled on who I have become. Being this lost means that I can't even see myself anymore.I look in the mirror and cry because I don't recognize myself and don't like the outward person I see.I am learning to see parts of who I would like to be. I do know that I am strong and love a challenge. I am finding Wii fun to workout with because of the challenge of beating my scores or the high score accomplished by someone else. I do it over and over until that is accomplished. Today I did some new things on Wii and pushed myself harder than I have yet and was actually in a hard breathing dripping sweat for almost 20 minutes of the 45. I was still sweating, but it slowed down...hey your supposed to do a cool down right? My daughter even yelled down the stairs asking if I was ok because she could hear me breathing really hard..yikes!
Anyway, I am in the persuit of finding out what makes me tick and what will motivate me to keep going. I guess setting some goals and writing them down would be a good start, ha ha.
I love the mountains and within 15 minutes I can be at a trail head and start hiking. I have looked up some easy local hikes and hopefully weather provided I will attempt one this weekend. I guess I need to figure out some of my goals and post them for you all to read. That would be the only way I can be held accountable. So I will think about those and get them posted. For now a hike is in order! I am tired of being in the valley looking up wishing I was in or on top of the mountains. I look at other peoples pictures they post from weekend hikes and my heart longs to be up there looking at the view from up high! It will be a hard up hill climb to get to the top, but oh the glorious feeling of accomplishments are right around the next bend. Keep moving and stay healthy.
I know some people make changes when a drastic life event happens with their health. I guess as I am creeping up on years and I realize the potential of a life altering health event could happen and that frightens me. I need to change before that happens...I don't handle pressure very well, so I better do this before a Dr is tending to me. I have shed enough tears over these issues and I am sure there will be more.
It is hard for me to zoom in on my own desires. Somewhere I put in my head I am not worthy to live my desires. I had settled on who I have become. Being this lost means that I can't even see myself anymore.I look in the mirror and cry because I don't recognize myself and don't like the outward person I see.I am learning to see parts of who I would like to be. I do know that I am strong and love a challenge. I am finding Wii fun to workout with because of the challenge of beating my scores or the high score accomplished by someone else. I do it over and over until that is accomplished. Today I did some new things on Wii and pushed myself harder than I have yet and was actually in a hard breathing dripping sweat for almost 20 minutes of the 45. I was still sweating, but it slowed down...hey your supposed to do a cool down right? My daughter even yelled down the stairs asking if I was ok because she could hear me breathing really hard..yikes!
Anyway, I am in the persuit of finding out what makes me tick and what will motivate me to keep going. I guess setting some goals and writing them down would be a good start, ha ha.
I love the mountains and within 15 minutes I can be at a trail head and start hiking. I have looked up some easy local hikes and hopefully weather provided I will attempt one this weekend. I guess I need to figure out some of my goals and post them for you all to read. That would be the only way I can be held accountable. So I will think about those and get them posted. For now a hike is in order! I am tired of being in the valley looking up wishing I was in or on top of the mountains. I look at other peoples pictures they post from weekend hikes and my heart longs to be up there looking at the view from up high! It will be a hard up hill climb to get to the top, but oh the glorious feeling of accomplishments are right around the next bend. Keep moving and stay healthy.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Whose schedule is this anyway?
One would think the day after bearing my soul to all the world I would keep my focus,at least for a day right? .....OMG - Fail, Fail, Fail! These are the things that set me into a "what are you doing to yourself Lisa"! Why can you not stay focused? I really need to post some motivating comments in my car because the drive thru called my name today and I did not resist. I love Tacos! oooh and churos..yummy hot fried bread with cinnamon!
I realized after I got home and gobbled down 3 tacos....and 2 churos that many of my bad moments are associated with being alone. There is a pattern of loneliness which we all know can become boredom. I eat when I am alone and bored...hum. Ok , so I guess that means I need to find things I enjoy and can do with or without a friend so I do not find myself in that position as often.
Today started with great intentions, but when I made my plan I forgot about my daughter and her plans. LOL! As I was showering I made a plan for myself. Was it on paper- no, it was in my head. I shared it with my daughter when she got up so it was out there and revealed. I had a healthy breakfast and was finishing up my facebook reading and posting. I was going to do some art work and go downstairs and workout for an hour. Afterwards, I was going to do some reading, more art work and then workout again for an hour. A nice pleasant day. I had my hair in a pony tail, shorts on and ready to do my thing. Well I expressed my schedule so my daughter would know what to expect out of me for the day. Opps..she reminded me we have to go to the phone store as her phone is having issues. Man, now I have to change clothes and my morning plans are shot. We spent an hour out and while we were at the store she also made plans to hang out with a friend. I drop her off and oh no, now I am alone...in my car......hungry.......I love tacos!
Now I have to wait for some Digestion to take place so I did get some reading in. Then my husband came home way earlier than expected which was about the time I was ready to workout. But now I have someone to talk to so we talk for a bit...then I head downstairs to finally workout...the batteries are low on the Wii and won't let me do anything- FAIL!
This day is no where near the plan I had set this morning. Now I have to change cloths again- I think I mentioned I do not go out in publkic with shorts on. Head out to Target to get batteries, pick up my daughter and back home again...can I please workout now?!
Yes! My husband said he would make dinner while I workout..but he had it ready before I was done so I got a 40 minute workout in, (20 minutes shy of my minimum). Also...anyone know how accurate the weigh in on Wii is, I gained 3 lbs since Monday..how is that possible? I am suppose to be losing and how exciting would that have been if it was a 3lbs loss in 2 days! Now that is the day I look forward too!
I realized after I got home and gobbled down 3 tacos....and 2 churos that many of my bad moments are associated with being alone. There is a pattern of loneliness which we all know can become boredom. I eat when I am alone and bored...hum. Ok , so I guess that means I need to find things I enjoy and can do with or without a friend so I do not find myself in that position as often.
Today started with great intentions, but when I made my plan I forgot about my daughter and her plans. LOL! As I was showering I made a plan for myself. Was it on paper- no, it was in my head. I shared it with my daughter when she got up so it was out there and revealed. I had a healthy breakfast and was finishing up my facebook reading and posting. I was going to do some art work and go downstairs and workout for an hour. Afterwards, I was going to do some reading, more art work and then workout again for an hour. A nice pleasant day. I had my hair in a pony tail, shorts on and ready to do my thing. Well I expressed my schedule so my daughter would know what to expect out of me for the day. Opps..she reminded me we have to go to the phone store as her phone is having issues. Man, now I have to change clothes and my morning plans are shot. We spent an hour out and while we were at the store she also made plans to hang out with a friend. I drop her off and oh no, now I am alone...in my car......hungry.......I love tacos!
Now I have to wait for some Digestion to take place so I did get some reading in. Then my husband came home way earlier than expected which was about the time I was ready to workout. But now I have someone to talk to so we talk for a bit...then I head downstairs to finally workout...the batteries are low on the Wii and won't let me do anything- FAIL!
This day is no where near the plan I had set this morning. Now I have to change cloths again- I think I mentioned I do not go out in publkic with shorts on. Head out to Target to get batteries, pick up my daughter and back home again...can I please workout now?!
Yes! My husband said he would make dinner while I workout..but he had it ready before I was done so I got a 40 minute workout in, (20 minutes shy of my minimum). Also...anyone know how accurate the weigh in on Wii is, I gained 3 lbs since Monday..how is that possible? I am suppose to be losing and how exciting would that have been if it was a 3lbs loss in 2 days! Now that is the day I look forward too!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The history that leads to the beginning...
I am going to be blogging about my life changing to a healthier me as I change how I eat and what I will be doing for exercise. I have a large amount of weight to lose 150+ lbs. There will be many days of excitement and frustration. It is the beginning of a metamorphosis and before I get started I need to share some history of how I have gotten to this place.
I have been over weight 28 years of my 50 years living. Yes, I am 50! I started gaining weight when I first got married. For most of those 28 years even though I put on pounds I have felt healthy. Prior to getting married I was living alone and way out in the country. I had a labor intensive job which was a workout in itself. After work being I lived alone instead of feeling lonely I would drive into town to a gym and workout for 2-3 hrs before I went home each night. I also played softball for about 8 years. When my husband and I decided to get married I had to change jobs because we worked at the same place and it was against policy for us to be in the same department. I went to a job where I sat all day. I also quit working out because i was no longer lonely and had someone to share my after work hours with. and with time I slowly quit playing softball as well. Now as you can see, all the things I was doing that kept me in shape had now disappeared. I did not realize how much my daily life was benefiting me that way. After all it was work and what I did in my down time that kept me in shape, not something I was doing on purpose to stay healthy. As the pounds crept up I gained them evenly all over my body so it took awhile for me to notice. My husband never said anything to me so after a couple of years, boom! I was 60 pounds heavier than when we got married.
Another factor that played into all the weight gain was that we moved around alot getting transfered with my husbands job moving in and out of several states all the while also having children. Having little ones in places you don't know a soul created a world that I was not able to create lasting deep friendships. My life was the children. I have 4 amazing kids and except for one they are all grown up attending college now and not living at home. Two live in other states.My husband traveled alot during that time and it was like I was a single parent for much of their younger lives. During this time the drive thru was my friend. The kids were excited to eat out and I did not have to cook a meal. Fast food over took my eating habits, because it was easy. This was a very unhealthy cycle and hard to break.
Now forward fast to 2 years ago. Two events brought to my attention all the abuse I put on my body was now becoming a factor. In July 2008 celebrating the 4th of July at a big event involved alot of walking. I kept having to stop about every 50 yards to catch my breath. Looking back, it was not that far, but I was so out of shape just going around the block got me breathing hard. Later that same July we went on a family vacation that really opened my eyes has to how pathetic my health had become. We flew to Kiawah Island, South Carolina which is a wonderful beach get away. I started the trip with having to ask for the first time in my history for a seatbelt extension while on the flight. OMG how embarrassing! I had asked my youngest to sit with me on the plane so I would not intrude on a strangers space. When we were on the vacation, it was difficult to walk to the beach, play in the water, ride a bike and embarrassing to wear shorts and a swimming suit in public. Wow, what an eye opener to what I had become and unable to live life having fun, because now even fun was hard work! I needed to change or I was not going to live for very long.
I wanted to live and enjoy life! Even the simple pleasures became chores. I had taken care of everyone else but forgotten about myself. I was so depressed when we came back from that trip. The amount of work I needed to under take to make serious change was very overwhelming. I was incapable at that time to try and dive right in full speed as there were to many things I needed to change. I started with baby steps. NO more soda pop or fries at the drive thru. I also eliminated cheese out of my diet. I love cheese! I wished there was a quick fix but I have lived long enough to see what fads and surgery can do or should I say not do. I knew this was going to be a lifestyle change in order for me to be happy and successful...but how? I know what healthy eating is! I know how to exercise! Now putting it all together....I could not make the pieces fit. Small steps are frustrating, because I wanted results! Results were happening to slow. I will admit that some of my stomach issues subsided. I did not feel so ill all the time. I needed to make somemore changes so I quit the drive thru all together. These changes took place between August 2008 and Feb 2009 and with those changes I had lost 12 lbs. Now I needed to add another factor...exercise! Yikes, I can barely walk a block without feeling exhausted. I had been paying for a gym membership for almost 2 years and maybe had used it 8-10 times so far...time to put the money to use and actually go! On a Sunday in early March 2009 decided to go give it a try. I cried in the driveway getting ready to leave, this was a huge big step and I was scared. I drove there and teared up again in the gym parking lot. I am an emotional wreck! I went in and decided I would just walk to start. I lasted 15 minutes at a 1.9 speed and 0 incline. I was breathless! Pathetic! I did not want to go all the way to the gym for just a 15 minute walk, but I could not do anything else. I went in the locker room and cried. I had someone encourage me and tell me not to be so hard on myself, it was a beginning. I had done the hardest thing and that was walking in the door to get started. Two days later I went again and ran into a friend that worked at the gym and they got me signed up for a 3 days a week 1 hour sessions for 6 weeks class focused on weight loss. The first day, I cried again I was terrified. Was I going to be able to handle this? I did not want to hold others back in the class either. The class instructor was very good at setting me up at a pace I would be challenged with but not overwhelming me. After the first week I had improved so much and I realized ...I would not die exercising! I made it and was making progress!
After that class ended I was able to keep motivated and continued working out 3-4 days a week until about August and then I started to fizzle. I slowly went from 3-4 days a week to 6-8 days a month. In October I signed up for a 4 week 2 days a week Pilates class. I loved it! I could not do everything but I tried and felt muscles I did not know exsisted! After that class again I slowed down, it was holiday season and got over loaded with my time.
January 2010 - it is the time for new years resolutions and I needed to recommit in order to get this done. I started to go 3 days a week again and started talking with a trainer. In Febuary I signed up for him to help me. I only had enough money to pay for 6 weeks. I loved it! I met with him 2 days a week and started a food diary and learned so much! I lost 15 lbs in a few months yet I got frustrated, because I felt like I was working so hard! Why was the pounds not shedding faster?
May was fast approaching and my sons college graduation was going to take place. I had some goals; one being to not have to ask for a seatbelt extension on the flights, another to finally buy new pants and the other to be able to walk with my family without having to take breathing breaks. I went 2 weeks before graduation to try on pants...I cried in the dressing room. My pants size had not changed at all. I felt like I had lost inches as my other pants I was always yanking them up to prevent them from falling off. I could actually take them off without unzipping them. Why, why, why could I not fit into something smaller? I got so dang frustrated at that I questioned what the point of all the hard work was for, I was not shrinking in size. I quit going to the gym. I did have a great realization on the trip though. On 2 of the 4 flights to get to the graduation I did not need a seatbelt extension and the 2 I did need it was a difference of about an inch. I was so happy! I was able to walk around town with my family and enjoyed the trip even though I was wearing old pants.
Now we are into the last 2 weeks and I had a big path I thought was set before me and so much excitement occured! I saw a casting call watching "Losing it with Jillian" for the "Biggest Loser" flash across the TV. I had a couple trainers over the last year try to encourage me to sign up but I was scared to death of the idea. Well right when I saw the casting flash I knew my path was leading me to going on the show. I felt God was opening all the doors to make this happen. It was so easy and I was very calm and just knew I was going on the show. I had visions of working out on the show, encouarging my team mates, learning to cook healthy meals in the kitchen, even cried invisioning myself getting a make over and revealing the transformed me to my family! Another door I felt God opened was getting there and being #64 in line. They guarantee interviews with the first 500. I was escorted in with 8 people to a table and about 1.5 minutes to let them know who you are with their questions being asked, going around the table taking turns answering them. If we were noticed they would call us back for a second interview by late that night. I did not get the call. Now what? That was 3 days ago.
There is alot more between the lines and maybe I will share more as I blog, but this brings me to today. I am sorry to have such a lengthy beginning but the history has to be told to learn how to move forward. This is not only for you all to watch and learn my journey but for me to learn as well. I have to say that when I questioned why God took me with such ease into what I thought was really going to happen on the Biggest Loser and it didn't it made me think why? I saw the doors and path he had me go through were not really about the Biggest Loser but about me invisioning myself being successful at losing weight. He has given me the courage, strength and knowledge that I can do this. God wants us all to be balanced in many aspects of our lives, the mental, physical, emotional,spiritual and social parts. My weakest link is the physical. Here I go transforming before you all, metamorphosis taking place. I have some logistics of how I am going to get there. I am now accountable to all of you. Till tomorrow may we all be strong in what we need to do to be healthy.
I have been over weight 28 years of my 50 years living. Yes, I am 50! I started gaining weight when I first got married. For most of those 28 years even though I put on pounds I have felt healthy. Prior to getting married I was living alone and way out in the country. I had a labor intensive job which was a workout in itself. After work being I lived alone instead of feeling lonely I would drive into town to a gym and workout for 2-3 hrs before I went home each night. I also played softball for about 8 years. When my husband and I decided to get married I had to change jobs because we worked at the same place and it was against policy for us to be in the same department. I went to a job where I sat all day. I also quit working out because i was no longer lonely and had someone to share my after work hours with. and with time I slowly quit playing softball as well. Now as you can see, all the things I was doing that kept me in shape had now disappeared. I did not realize how much my daily life was benefiting me that way. After all it was work and what I did in my down time that kept me in shape, not something I was doing on purpose to stay healthy. As the pounds crept up I gained them evenly all over my body so it took awhile for me to notice. My husband never said anything to me so after a couple of years, boom! I was 60 pounds heavier than when we got married.
Another factor that played into all the weight gain was that we moved around alot getting transfered with my husbands job moving in and out of several states all the while also having children. Having little ones in places you don't know a soul created a world that I was not able to create lasting deep friendships. My life was the children. I have 4 amazing kids and except for one they are all grown up attending college now and not living at home. Two live in other states.My husband traveled alot during that time and it was like I was a single parent for much of their younger lives. During this time the drive thru was my friend. The kids were excited to eat out and I did not have to cook a meal. Fast food over took my eating habits, because it was easy. This was a very unhealthy cycle and hard to break.
Now forward fast to 2 years ago. Two events brought to my attention all the abuse I put on my body was now becoming a factor. In July 2008 celebrating the 4th of July at a big event involved alot of walking. I kept having to stop about every 50 yards to catch my breath. Looking back, it was not that far, but I was so out of shape just going around the block got me breathing hard. Later that same July we went on a family vacation that really opened my eyes has to how pathetic my health had become. We flew to Kiawah Island, South Carolina which is a wonderful beach get away. I started the trip with having to ask for the first time in my history for a seatbelt extension while on the flight. OMG how embarrassing! I had asked my youngest to sit with me on the plane so I would not intrude on a strangers space. When we were on the vacation, it was difficult to walk to the beach, play in the water, ride a bike and embarrassing to wear shorts and a swimming suit in public. Wow, what an eye opener to what I had become and unable to live life having fun, because now even fun was hard work! I needed to change or I was not going to live for very long.
I wanted to live and enjoy life! Even the simple pleasures became chores. I had taken care of everyone else but forgotten about myself. I was so depressed when we came back from that trip. The amount of work I needed to under take to make serious change was very overwhelming. I was incapable at that time to try and dive right in full speed as there were to many things I needed to change. I started with baby steps. NO more soda pop or fries at the drive thru. I also eliminated cheese out of my diet. I love cheese! I wished there was a quick fix but I have lived long enough to see what fads and surgery can do or should I say not do. I knew this was going to be a lifestyle change in order for me to be happy and successful...but how? I know what healthy eating is! I know how to exercise! Now putting it all together....I could not make the pieces fit. Small steps are frustrating, because I wanted results! Results were happening to slow. I will admit that some of my stomach issues subsided. I did not feel so ill all the time. I needed to make somemore changes so I quit the drive thru all together. These changes took place between August 2008 and Feb 2009 and with those changes I had lost 12 lbs. Now I needed to add another factor...exercise! Yikes, I can barely walk a block without feeling exhausted. I had been paying for a gym membership for almost 2 years and maybe had used it 8-10 times so far...time to put the money to use and actually go! On a Sunday in early March 2009 decided to go give it a try. I cried in the driveway getting ready to leave, this was a huge big step and I was scared. I drove there and teared up again in the gym parking lot. I am an emotional wreck! I went in and decided I would just walk to start. I lasted 15 minutes at a 1.9 speed and 0 incline. I was breathless! Pathetic! I did not want to go all the way to the gym for just a 15 minute walk, but I could not do anything else. I went in the locker room and cried. I had someone encourage me and tell me not to be so hard on myself, it was a beginning. I had done the hardest thing and that was walking in the door to get started. Two days later I went again and ran into a friend that worked at the gym and they got me signed up for a 3 days a week 1 hour sessions for 6 weeks class focused on weight loss. The first day, I cried again I was terrified. Was I going to be able to handle this? I did not want to hold others back in the class either. The class instructor was very good at setting me up at a pace I would be challenged with but not overwhelming me. After the first week I had improved so much and I realized ...I would not die exercising! I made it and was making progress!
After that class ended I was able to keep motivated and continued working out 3-4 days a week until about August and then I started to fizzle. I slowly went from 3-4 days a week to 6-8 days a month. In October I signed up for a 4 week 2 days a week Pilates class. I loved it! I could not do everything but I tried and felt muscles I did not know exsisted! After that class again I slowed down, it was holiday season and got over loaded with my time.
January 2010 - it is the time for new years resolutions and I needed to recommit in order to get this done. I started to go 3 days a week again and started talking with a trainer. In Febuary I signed up for him to help me. I only had enough money to pay for 6 weeks. I loved it! I met with him 2 days a week and started a food diary and learned so much! I lost 15 lbs in a few months yet I got frustrated, because I felt like I was working so hard! Why was the pounds not shedding faster?
May was fast approaching and my sons college graduation was going to take place. I had some goals; one being to not have to ask for a seatbelt extension on the flights, another to finally buy new pants and the other to be able to walk with my family without having to take breathing breaks. I went 2 weeks before graduation to try on pants...I cried in the dressing room. My pants size had not changed at all. I felt like I had lost inches as my other pants I was always yanking them up to prevent them from falling off. I could actually take them off without unzipping them. Why, why, why could I not fit into something smaller? I got so dang frustrated at that I questioned what the point of all the hard work was for, I was not shrinking in size. I quit going to the gym. I did have a great realization on the trip though. On 2 of the 4 flights to get to the graduation I did not need a seatbelt extension and the 2 I did need it was a difference of about an inch. I was so happy! I was able to walk around town with my family and enjoyed the trip even though I was wearing old pants.
Now we are into the last 2 weeks and I had a big path I thought was set before me and so much excitement occured! I saw a casting call watching "Losing it with Jillian" for the "Biggest Loser" flash across the TV. I had a couple trainers over the last year try to encourage me to sign up but I was scared to death of the idea. Well right when I saw the casting flash I knew my path was leading me to going on the show. I felt God was opening all the doors to make this happen. It was so easy and I was very calm and just knew I was going on the show. I had visions of working out on the show, encouarging my team mates, learning to cook healthy meals in the kitchen, even cried invisioning myself getting a make over and revealing the transformed me to my family! Another door I felt God opened was getting there and being #64 in line. They guarantee interviews with the first 500. I was escorted in with 8 people to a table and about 1.5 minutes to let them know who you are with their questions being asked, going around the table taking turns answering them. If we were noticed they would call us back for a second interview by late that night. I did not get the call. Now what? That was 3 days ago.
There is alot more between the lines and maybe I will share more as I blog, but this brings me to today. I am sorry to have such a lengthy beginning but the history has to be told to learn how to move forward. This is not only for you all to watch and learn my journey but for me to learn as well. I have to say that when I questioned why God took me with such ease into what I thought was really going to happen on the Biggest Loser and it didn't it made me think why? I saw the doors and path he had me go through were not really about the Biggest Loser but about me invisioning myself being successful at losing weight. He has given me the courage, strength and knowledge that I can do this. God wants us all to be balanced in many aspects of our lives, the mental, physical, emotional,spiritual and social parts. My weakest link is the physical. Here I go transforming before you all, metamorphosis taking place. I have some logistics of how I am going to get there. I am now accountable to all of you. Till tomorrow may we all be strong in what we need to do to be healthy.
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