I continue to learn more and more about myself daily, weekly, monthly, by the season. As the last couple of months continue it seems I have fallen deeper and deeper into a depression I am battling to free myself of. In my life I have had small waves of depression and as soon as I recognize what is happening I have been able to pull myself out of it by changing my perception or attitude. Through those times I have learned how to look at the positives in life no matter how simple they are and be thankful. I have been the encourager, the positive out looker on things for others and myself and it isn't working lately to get me out of my dark self. As the last few months have passed it seems the negative wants to defeat me and take over, wallowing in self pity, not having the energy to keep fighting. I don't seem to be able to say some magically, uplifting, motivating, positive words that generally kick in a spark to move forward. My disappointment in myself is deflating me, I have let myself down, I have let others down.
There are many factors in my life that I am trying to change and none of them seem to be going anywhere. I have not made progress in my weight loss, I am still without a job and finances are getting tough and all are contributing to these emotions right now. I had quit my job mainly for health reasons, I was having migraines and stomach issues due to the stress of working at a job I was not happy doing. I knew this fact 3 months into the job, but hung in there for 3 1/2 years because it is an awesome company and I liked the people I worked with and there were many great perks. The job itself conflicted to much with my personality of who I am and I started getting ill more and more frequently. I have not been sick at all since I quit so for that reason it was good for me to leave. The part that is feeding into my depression, I thought I would have found a new job by now. I am getting weary from the search, the ups and downs of interviews and hope, to not getting the job. I feel prejudged based off of my size. The quick negative thoughts fill up my head and then I tell myself, " Lisa the economy is bad and the right job will come along, be patient and keep searching. There is a job with your name on it, God will provide". Another factor I think about, is all this time I have had to focus on my weight and for awhile I was doing good, but now it is like starting over again, back where I was when I started this blog. I am still jobless, financially struggling, and still battling getting control of my weight. A new discovery is the weather and it's negative affect on me. We have a long winter here and although I love the sun and snow, I discovered my downward mood changes when the sky is grey or when the snow melts and I can see the brown lifeless ground. When the snow falls or the skies are blue I am lifted up, perky, happy, energized so the weather at least this year is also playing a factor. Maybe the weather is playing into the depression, because like my life, I am ready for change and I keep getting teased with change, yet everything remains the same.
I know I need to take action for change to happen, but lately I have disillusioned myself into believing I don't have the strength or will power or a strong enough desire to make it happen, to be successful. I am totally discouraged with myself. I am lower than I have ever been in my life. I don't know how I can have all this knowledge and understanding of how to get it done yet not able to put it into practice. It is as if I am lacking a part of the puzzle, missing a link. Why am I at the starting line again?
I have not given up, because giving up would be not caring anymore or even care to ponder the questions. I have mentioned once that when you start asking questions things seem to appear to help you answer those questions. It is happening for me, all the why questions getting answered. God is trying to get my attention, literally! Blogs, books, Sunday messages, friends who care, all pointing me in the direction of the answers I seek. The first strong attention getter came in the form of this blog; http://realdealdakota.blogspot.com/2011/03/what-gathers-us-together.html It asks what are you married to?
I realized I am married to food. I have a stronger addiction to food than I wanted to admit. Another eye opener that brought me to this conclusion is a book a friend lent me titled "Made to Crave" http://madetocrave.org/ . I have been craving food more than I crave God. All this time I have been working at transforming my life, myself, instead of letting God transform me. I have prayed for strength and focus as I went along, but no other actions in my relationship with God. I have been treating this relationship as a user and not really reaching out to get to know God, just a thought, a prayer to acknowledge His presence. Praying for others, but not involving him in my life. On my own, I have thought I wasn't worth transforming. I have a hard time loving myself. As I read and grow in my understanding of how much God loves me and wants more for me I need to let Gods love pour over me. I need to tear down the protective complacent walls I have built thinking I wasn't deserving of His love, not wanting to experience His love. When I feel His love I begin to cry and then I put up my wall, because I don't think I can go there, I don't deserve it. There is nothing I can do to earn His love. He loves me as I am, broken and hurting, so losing weight won't make Him love me more. I have been trying to perfect myself before I allow him to love me, yet he is there waiting for me to take his hand. I have known this and share that with others yet I was not applying it to myself. He loves us all beyond our knowledge or understanding of love. I know I am made for more than this life I have created for myself. I need to let God create my life, I need to accept the love, courage and wisdom He alone can give me to help me live for the greater things he has in store for me.
I have read a couple things and wrote them down and taped to my fridge and food cupboard. One is a verse " Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial for me. I will not be mastered by anything" 1Corinthians 6:12 The other is a prayer I read from Made to Crave " God, I recognize I am made for more than this vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I need to eat to live not live to eat.So I ask you for your wisdom to know what to eat and your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me" Crave God more than I crave food, this is my missing link.
I can not do this on my own, I am reaching out with arms wide open ready to be transformed into what God has created, Lisa letting God love her.