Sunday, January 23, 2011

What is my GPS?

Oh my, what a week I have had since my last blog. I had so much to think about after my last posting. I have had a hard time wrapping my head around what do I do next. After all, my dream seems to keep crashing and I needed to clarify the answer as to why. Why do I so willingly take the first step yet never complete the climb? Why do I lose focus of a dream I have had for so long, to just turn around and keep starting over again and again?

I thought about the title to my blog; Logistics = supplying, equipping and moving. I picked this word because of its meaning and I realized that I am not applying it. I have figured out that I need a map. I don't want to get off track anymore. It is hard to keep gearing up and set forth at the beginning of the familiar trail and never reaching the top. Almost feels like the movie "Ground Hog Day" I keep repeating and starting over.
I have always had a good sense of direction. If I am not sure how to get somewhere, all I generally need is a quick glimpse of the map. I have never really needed great details to get where I was headed. I have driven across country a few times and other destinations and it is easy for me, so who needs a map; not me.
I am learning that in this case (losing weight), it isn't easy for me and I need that map! The concept of losing weight seems easy enough , eat right and exercise, a no brainer right? Apparently it is more complex than that, at least for me. If I am not succeeding in this endeavor I need to do something different. I can't keep repeating what isn't working.
I faced some things this week. One, I have been afraid of this journey, but not understood what I was so afraid of. I figured out that my fears are not about losing the weight, but what my life be like after I lose the weight. I have no idea what that life will be like. For some reason I haven't moved forward, because I don't have a clear and complete vision. I keep trying to invision it, but nothing.
Two, I don't seem to have strong, inspiring motivators in place to help me stay on the path. I realized my motivations are very vague, so I have reevaluated those.  One dream has been to travel, as many of us dream. To travel to far away lands seem to be out of reach for many of us, it is just a dream. Not impossible, but if I am lucky maybe it will happen. Maybe someday I will get the chance to go.This is the mind set many of us take towards our dreams. That is the approach to many of my dreams; just a thought, not something I am really working towards. The #1 place on this earth I have dreamed about seeing is the Fjords in Norway. I would love to take some sort of boat ride or cruise up one or more of these magnificent fjords. Hike across the tops looking downward. I sought out a few pictures this week to motivate me and will be alternating them on my computer wallpaper for a daily reminder. I have other dreams besides travel, but the beauty of Norway is very inspiring to me. Makes my heart long for something.

I find it interesting that when you start asking yourself questions and really seeking the answers, the answers seem to start appearing all around you. I read this quote this week which is actually an Irish Proverb: " You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind" This hit me in the face with a harsh slap! I need to stop mulling it over in my mind and write out a map. I have spent to much time just thinking about losing weight and not nearly enough time on the action. I am working on the map, the action plan to accomplish it. The weight loss part of this journey has things that are SMART= Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. I have been taught how to make specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely goals. I have failed in taking the time to write them out. For the above mentioned reason, I thought I needed to make goals that included the life that will follow the weight loss. The thing is this, those things that follow can't be put into the SMART formate of goals. It is the unknown. So I need to just map out the part I do know and take the actions that I can do today, a week at a time. God has a plan for the rest and I don't have to know what that is, I just have to trust him and do the part I am aware of
I read a blog a couple days ago that was written by a girl I have recently met. Her life, her words totally inspired me to weeping tears. They fit so much with my struggle and have helped me better understand myself. To bring some answers to some of my questions. This young girl from Central Nebraska left everything and everyone she knows this week and flew to South Africa. She will be there for a year. She has been planning it for a while, but it came to fruition this last week and she has landed in South Africa! Why am I so amazed by this girl? What has inspired me? It is how she is following where God has led her. Not knowing exactly why, but trusting in him, living for Him, living a dream. Quoting Jordan Alexis Schroeder: "So here's to now. Here's to being lost in a whirlwind of confusion, here's to not having a map to life. Here's to having a dream, even if you don't know exactly what that dream is, here's to chasing your dreams, even if you don't have a path laid before you. Here's to the acceptance that sometimes you have to wave goodbye, not only to your home and to your safety net, but to yourself." She also stated in a little different wordage, "Here's to following God" . You have to read her whole blog because it is off the charts inspiring!
I learned something about myself with her words, I don't have to have the path laid out before me, because yeah...we don't have a map for life! It would be boring if we could see the whole thing and just follow along accomplishing the map with check marks. We have free will!  I learned that I have to step out of my safety net and this was probably the tear jerker of all, I have to say goodbye to not only what I know, but to myself. God is changing me and I need to let down that safety net and follow him. It is my Metamorphosis, it is what I want most, it is to be changed. Changed for Gods purpose, to be healthy and fit to accomplish what God wants of me...whatever that is, I don't know. I need to change the way I have been looking at things and put it into an action that I am not familiar with. Quoting Jordan, "God taught me something so important today! ... My thought process lately has been, "I am here, so what should I be doing? Who should I be?" But today God helped me realize that my thought process should actually be, "God is here, what is he doing? How can I join him? Who does he want me to become?".
Yes, I need a map for the weight loss and I am getting that figured out with some clarity. I do not want to live in fear of what life will be after that. I want to share that God is walking this step by step with me, he is the potter, I am the clay. He will shape me and mold me for this is what I pray. I will leave the future in Gods hands and take action on what I can do, today and tomorrow. I am ready for My Metamorphosis.

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