Still

   I have to apologize for not blogging for such a long time. I realize that in my lack of blogging it generally means I have not been doing much to make the changes I need too. I do have many emotions that go along with not performing to the best of my ability and maybe I should be sharing those. I will try harder at making the time.
   I have been able to maintain the loss I have accomplished so far. This helped me realize I made some good changes in the eating department. All the changes have been of great benefit. I know I still have a ways to go , but at least the changes I have made have stuck and are part of my life now.
   I still struggle. I have not learned how to make exercise a priority and have any consistency at working out. I did join a gym! I had gotten very bored with my workouts at home and thankfully for Mothers Day my daughter Daisy got me to her gym to workout. I did join, it is close by, so convenience is a plus. It is very affordable ($10 a month) I couldn't pass it up! and it is a great friendly staffed gym! Another daughter (Dixie) joined with me. I also signed up with a trainer. I can only afford a half hour every other week. I know if I could afford more i would be all over that, because i need the accountability & workout buddy.
   At first I was doing great as there was an occasion approaching that I desired to have the energy exercise gives me. It was my daughters wedding. I had not lost any additional weight but the energy level was a benefit. I was rather disappointed in myself at not accomplishing more and the dress shopping was very uncomfortable, size and money for something I probably won't wear again. I did want to feel good and I did, just not what I thought I could have done. Her wedding was so much fun and I did ok with the energy I needed to enjoy it all.
 I have struggled getting to the gym since the wedding. I think each week I will get there more than once, but through the summer after driving home from work in a hot car ( no air conditioning), change clothes and want to get in the hot car to drive to the gym, get all hot & sweaty at the gym to get back in the hot car was not something I wanted to do.The heat drains me so much. It became my excuse. I went on Saturday &/or Sunday and my training sessions, but that was it.
When I had initially started  I was also meeting up with my daughter, she is a great encourager and helped push me. Her life has changed so it makes it harder to make that happen. My other daughter who joined with me has so much going on in her life and is in pretty good shape she does not make the effort. I have become a slacker not having that initial support. Now typing that out I realize I am making it someone elses fault that I don't go as often as I need to, but it is my fault. I push through trying to take ownership  yet I also know how important support is, it helps a great deal!
It is now fall and I am so not ready for this fastly approaching season. I have struggled still with finances desiring a different job as well and it is another thing that affects my view of myself. I long to make changes, but then I get a little afraid and don't push it.
I know this isn't much to report in about. To me it is the same ol thing. I have not found my motivation to keep me on track and push through the days I struggle the hardest. I have not given up, I still know I want to live a healthier stronger energized life and I know I will get there. Sometimes the process is slow, slower than I could have even imagined, but I am still dreaming, still knowing it will get better, still knowing I will find my motivation, still keeping my head in the game to grow and make changes. Sometimes I have to repeat "Be still and know I am God". It is ok to be still, reflect and reach out to God to help you with your struggles. Still know He has a plan through the consequences of your sin. Know He is God. " I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me". Philippians 4::13

Tears in Dressing Rooms

I am rather excited for the future! Why? I am finally seeing the changes in my body. If you remember in my first blog: http://logisticsoflisasmetamorphosis.blogspot.com/2010/08/history-that-leads-to-beginning.html I shared the story of preparing for my sons college graduation, I went shopping for new cloths for the trip. I ended out not getting anything for that trip. My body had not changed enough and everything still looked horrible on me. I had a melt down that day in the dressing room, crying and upset with myself. I thought I had dropped enough weight to get in a size smaller and look better in clothes. I had not. I was so upset that day; in shock and disappointed. It deflated my motivation. I was so discouraged that day, I wondered if it was worth it. My saving grace at that time was the seat belt on the plane fitting without an extension! I could walk around town with my family and not feel so tired or out of breath! Those couple of things helped me see there are changes happening and I was improving on my health. The changes weren't showing on the outside yet, so I kept plugging away. I have had several ups and downs, I have cried many tears.
I have not tried on clothes since that day. One reason is the lack of funds, but also wanting to lose more weight before I attempted this task again. It was a very defeating moment and did not want to experience that defeat again.
 Last weekend life changed! I needed underwear badly so I went shopping. I went in only to get underwear, but there was a 40% off sale on the entire store. I was afraid of clothes. I did not want to try anything on. I held shirts in front of me to see if they would work. I went to the section one size smaller than the last time I attempted this feat. I figured I better go ahead and try on the shirt as I was not sure I liked it completely. I did try it on and it looked horrid. So I grabbed a different style shirt and tried it on. I realized as I was trying this other shirt on that it was baggier than I thought it would be and that must be why that first shirt looked so horrid. I had my daughter go get an even smaller size to see how much weight I needed to lose before that size would fit comfortably and ..........it fit! It fit way better than I thought and I started to cry! I was crying out of joy and realizing my body is changing on the outside now. I was crying because I have waited so long for a major difference to happen and it was there staring me in the mirror! The lady helping me stopped at the door to see if everything was ok, I sobbed a big yes everything is great! I was in a size that I have not worn in at least jeez 22 years or more. I have nothing in my closet from the past hoping one day to fit into them again. I had given up along time ago that I would ever get there and tossed them.(plus they were very outdated).
 I wasn't going to share my sizes, but then I was like, well,  Lisa....you have your weights posted so whats the big deal? So yeah, I went from size 26/28 to 18/20! I came home and put on some blouses I have not worn in a couple years and they were baggy! When I used to wear those blouses I had to wear them open with a cami or tank layer under them because I could not button them. I was afraid to move much in the shoulder area because I thought I would pop the seams on the sleeves/shoulder. I was able to button and they looked baggy, more tears!
This new size has motivated me! There is change happening...finally! I have hope that with my daughters wedding coming up I can actually get into a dress and look somewhat nice. I have not worn a dress since 1999 because of my weight. I felt like I was in a poncho or tent, so I quit wearing them.
 I know many people hate trying on clothes and probably cry just like I have after realizing things don't fit properly. I have a renewed faith that things will be getting better now. I am not afraid to try on clothes. I have a ways to go, but it is a way I know I can do! I will probably shed more tears in dressing rooms in the future. I think stores should provide tissues in the dressing rooms for all the tears we shed trying on clothes, just sayin'.

Abolished Fears

I have to admit I have been very afraid to weigh in after all the holidays, because if you notice last years weight gain (12lbs) through the holidays I was nervous and wondered what kind of damage I had done to myself this year. I wondered if all the chocolate I had eaten this year did it's damage. I wondered if I was going to have a set back again. I also struggled with the fact that my clothes seem to still be fitting loser and wondered if it was my imagination, was I fooling myself ...because I really did eat lots of chocolate! I also wondered about the miserableness I felt in the beginning of January was a result of weight gain. I was lethargic, depressed and so not motivated! Food was affecting my brain and body. The body truly is amazing how it reacts to what we put in it and I was feeling the effects. I was scared. I had lost focus and did not want to start over again after all prior to fall I had lost enough to feel like I was finally making progress. My fear was that with my daughters wedding coming up in July I was possibly facing a set back in my weight loss.
As the fall into winter season came upon me I did have some things in which I changed and was proud of the changes, mostly in the food areas of my life. I did eat much less than this season has to offer ( except for chocolate). At Halloween, I did not buy any candy to fill my holiday candy holders. I use candy as cheap holiday decor as it fills my glass pumpkin jars with color as they sit about the house. I told my daughter it looked so bare, missing the color, but happy it was not there for nibbling. Thanksgiving, I made my pumpkin pie with coconut milk and removed about 120 calories per slice and it was the best! I will make it like that every year in the future. I held to one helping and eliminated the bread/rolls as I told my family, I would rather have calories that were true holiday foods, not everyday bread.
Late November I went in for our yearly health screening for insurance and I was rather excited as my numbers were even better than last years! Last years numbers are listed first.
Nov 2010 Blood Pressure mine was 129/88 ~ for Nov 2011 BP is 120/70                                 
Nov 2010 Blood Glucose- mine was 106 ~ for Nov 2011 BG is 99
Nov 2010 LDL Cholesterol - mine was 127 ~ for Nov 2011 LDL is 118
                                    ( my #'s for TC ~184 / HDL 42 & TRG 118)! Great huh!
To say the least I got our maximum health benefit which is $450 on the health card! I was excited about that to see improvements in that area as well!
Then Christmas hit... and it was an exciting time for me as it is the first in four years all the kids were home! I miss them bunches. I did good though ( except for chocolate) eating one helping and eating mostly healthy and lower calories for most meals throughout the month. I also did not make all the dips I usually make for dipping veggies and chips. I usually make 4 different dips and when they are gone I make another batch. I did make spinach dip and onion dip and only one batch and I hardly ate any of it! One thing I have been able to remove from my diet is mayonnaise. I was a mayo spreader like it was frosting on a cake. I have eaten lots of fruit! Drank coconut milk eggnog instead of the kind laden with fat and cholesterol. It was "So Delicious" brand and soooooo very delicious indeed! Even though I was not exercising and barely  concentrating on what I ate, I did not gain, but 2oz...NO Poundage! I know it has been 3 months, don't get me wrong, because I know if I would have stayed better focused I could have lost possibly 20-30 lbs. I am truely happy at this point that I did not gain! Now that I have faced the fear of the scale and see it is where I left off I am ready to get moving again. I also just realized that the changes I have made in eating has become a natural part of me otherwise I would have gained many pounds back.  I do have more changes, but I am getting there!
So, I weighed myself this morning finally committing to facing the facts and moving forward, I jumped on my Wii and did the weigh in! Did I mention I did not gain, well 2 oz and I felt relief! I almost cried, but did a big smile instead and said yeah! I can do this! How I feel in my clothes is real and I feel motivated instead of discouraged.
Ok, I can move forward. I talked with someone a couple weeks ago to have an accountability partner and she agreed to help! Now on to some goal setting and moving forward...after all there is a wedding this year in which I am the mother of the bride! Ready set go!

The Mind Set is Changing

Yesterday my daughter posted something that made me laugh and has carried over into today, because I made it sound like something other than what it actually meant. The quote was "A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live" unknown. I made a joke and said I must be living the dream because I am huge. I thought it was funny, but then I thought more seriously about the quote. I am big, but not living my dreams and in order to live life with anything I dream about,  I need to get smaller. I am gradually living more and more. Mostly being outside and enjoying nature. Shrinking in size is giving me more confidence, so I can live some of my dreams.
My younger daughter and I have gone on a few hikes. We keep going back to the same place, because we have yet to do the whole hike. We either run out of time or the weather changes on us. I also suggested we  go to this spot until we get the full couple hikes completed as there are two upper lakes, then move on to a new location. In the spring we went and encountered to much snow and very wet mud and it looked like rain was moving in as we got close to one of the upper lakes. We made a fall run up too Silver Lake, but we got there to late to get it done before sundown or the chill as we did not prepare for cooler weather, so we just walked around the lower lake. It was beautiful! It was so quiet that day too, we saw a moose!

It was such a beautiful fall late afternoon. It was a week day and my daughter had the day off from school. I liked being up there with fewer people, it was quiet and peaceful. There was a couple times I just wanted to sit and take in the splendor, so we did. Each turn was magical in its own way with color changes and the lake was very calm with some great reflections happening! When we saw the moose it was very cool because my daughter mentioned when we first got there that her friends always see a moose and as many times we have been there we never have. I guess the quietness helped bring her out in the open. It was also kind of scary for a few minutes, because she was sitting in the shrub hiding from the sun, but as we approached she got up and started heading in our direction. I was very nervous because her ears were back and there have been enough reports of moose attacks around our area that I paid attention to her signals. She was not completely comfortable, so we backed up slowly and quietly out of her space. She relaxed and moved on and then I was able to take some pics.

The situation made me think about my health issues with the weight and not feeling very able to take care of myself in tough situations. The first time I really encountered that emotion was scuba diving. I realized I was not very capable of handling a few things if a situation occurred and I was putting myself in danger and my dive buddy (husband) in danger. I developed anxiety trying to deal with that and decided I better not scuba anymore at least until I get a handle on my weight. These same emotions came up on this day when fear set in with the moose not being comfortable with our presence. This time though, I knew what to do and felt capable of the actions I needed to do and my thought processes did not give me a sense of inability. I must be getting a stronger mentality, at least to know I can do more than I used to think I could. 

One day I took my daughter and friends downtown for the Taylor Swift concert and I had no anxiety like I used to in the past, wondering how far I may have to walk. I used to not do things, because my body would be so tired and slow. I had quit doing things to avoid realizing how badly out of shape I was. I guess I was not ready to make changes and did not want to be faced with how bad things had gotten. Instead I quit living life. I used to get tired just walking a couple blocks and now I have no fear or worries about distance. I remember the first time we went to Silver Lake and how much anxiety I had about being able to make it all the way around. Now it is a breeze and easy, it is now a stroll instead of a hike. I am considering snow shoeing it this winter with all my kids for Christmas! It has been 3 years since everyone was able to be home for Christmas and I want to do something fun!

Today I weighed in again and was so excited! I dropped another 7.5 lbs since last weigh in! As I was typing I remembered one of the things I wanted to do this summer, but was to heavy. One day Dixie and I went up to Snowbird for a quick get out of the valley moment. When we got up there we saw the zip line and other things set up for summer fun. I have always wanted to ride a zip line and so I looked up what kind of weight restrictions there might be. I was over, but not far away as the weight limit is 280. I am so close! Next summer when they get those set up again, I will do the zip line! Probably the one at Park City though as it is a longer zip! I will fill safer too because by the time summer comes along I won't be right at the cut off weight.

 I can see my mind set changing about my approach to life! I am capable of doing more and more and I am so excited for the future!

Red Light Green Light

Over the last week I had some "You go girl moments" in which the mind set is shifting back to healthy eating. Several times this week while on my way home from work I wanted to stop and get food on my way home and I took the time to think about what I was about to do and did not do it (getting a burger or taco) and went home and ate something healthier like yogurt or cottage cheese with tomatoes. It really is a mind game for me. One night I worked till 1am and was very tempted to stop somewhere on my way home to get something, anything. As I was leaving my job site walking to my car I noticed a couple fast food places still open and thought, "I might just stop and grab a burger". I got in my car and said "no, don't do it", go home and eat some grapes or something, so I pulled away. On my way home getting closer to home (not even 3 miles later ugh ) is a 24 hrs a day taco place and I love tacos. I was thinking about stopping. See how quickly my mind lost the "no don't do it" to, "oh a taco sounds wonderful". Sitting across the street at the stop light, my mind went crazy with wanting a taco.  I am glad the light stayed red for awhile as there was no traffic and seemed like it was ridiculously slow at changing green for me, but that time saved me from myself. I was able to say " NO, Don't Do it!"  I will never get to my goals with the following mind set, thinking that I have been good this week and I missed eating some dinner tonight so I can have this. As I sat there at the red light thinking this,  I also came up with the thought, it is late and you are going to bed in the hour so there is no time to even digest, save your money and go home! As the light changed to green I was able with great pride to keep driving and go home! I truely felt great!
I really struggle with this environment...driving. You may think it is funny to call driving an environment, but for me it is. Driving becomes my mindless eating, not even hungry 90% of the time. The grilling smells of restaurants and even just driving by an In and Out or Chick Filet saying "oh man that sounds really good" plus,  I am by myself.  In the past being by myself I used it as my treat to stop and get a burger/chicken or taco. I know, not really a so called treat, huh? I think I have said this, but I love tacos!
I also went to a wedding this week and was so proud as I ate fresh fruit and a couple shrimp and a stuffed mushroom and a 1" ball that was like a tiny chicken cordon bleu thing and water! Oh and a chocolate covered strawberry! Yummy! No cake, No minature e'clairs  No seconds! I focused on chatting with people I have not seen in awhile and it was fun.
Meatless Monday came around and I made another wonderful new meatless meal! So good and full of veggies from the garden!
This week, I learned I can talk my way out of what my mind is trying to tell me and get my brain to shift gears to get it to tell me something else, something better, to be proud of the decisions I make. Now, I just need more stop lights to stay red for me a little longer to really think through my choices before the bad behavior takes control. A red light saved me from some calories and disappointment this week. Going through this week trying to get back on track I realize I have the ability to see, it is all in the mind. I can go down the road some day and have all green lights, for now I am thankful for the red lights!

Meatless Monday smells like Mexico

Getting back on track with changes in regards to my health has to start somewhere and Monday is a good day to focus. Monday's a few months past, I had started having Meatless Monday's for my meal planning. Over the summer meatless Monday's slowly dissipated. I loved Monday's because it forced me to learn some new recipes. Yesterday, I got back on that and I made some homemade pinto-re-fry style beans. I had always heard how much better and healthier it was to make your own and came up with a recipe earlier this year and I will never buy canned re-fried beans again! I made burritos with the beans, whole wheat tortillas,cheese and salsa and they were so very good! It has been quit a few months since I made them and Monday being a new start to focus on changes I made them again! I made a double batch so I would have left overs for some lunches too. Mexican food is one of my favorites and when my daughter came home from school and she opened the door, she said with great enthusiasm, "oh my gosh it smells so good, it smells like Mexico"! ( LOL, she has never been to Mexico - maybe she meant a Mexican restaurant).
My daughters above comment made me so happy, made me smile and be very pleased with my efforts. Then I thought; why do compliments regarding food make me/us so happy? Why do we try to please others and ourselves with food? I know we need food for nutrition and health, but the previous questions do not have anything really to do with why we need food. I enjoy cooking and getting compliments from what I have created. I know that since the beginning of time food has always been served at gatherings and I am probably being to hard on myself with that question. I guess I am trying to change how I think about food and not make it such a focus for me.
Yesterday, I also received a text from my daughter : "Have you exercised yet"?  I replied with the fact that I was cooking something for dinner that takes awhile to cook and I would after I got it going. I never did and had to admit that when she asked me again later. Sigh, I really need to make exercise a priority if I am ever going to make some additional progress in my weight loss efforts. I got the meal focus back in my head, now to get the workouts in. One day at a time, right? Today I am at home and set my focus on getting some yard work done and getting some fall decorations up. I need to get in a workout too and start making it part of my daily routine again. I will report back later when my day has come to a close. Are you able to make your workouts a priority in your day? I seem to go in waves and wish it was more like the mentality of, you shower and brush your teeth everyday, so why can't you make a workout part of everyday too? I am off to get the yard work done and will post how the rest of the day went later. Have a healthy day!

Living Life Conveniently is not Worth the Calories

There are times that everything you are doing right just fizzles down the drain. Labor day weekend was one of those times for me. My son came into town with his girlfriend and another friend. Which was awesome!

I made a hot breakfast for them when they arrived with all the fatty breakfast meats...so good, I love sausage and bacon, along with scrambled eggs. I also made some blueberry muffins and cran-orange muffins from a box. I also made cookies from a box, because it was cheaper than the bag of chocolate chips...yes, scratch is way better!. I have always made cookies from scratch so needless to say, box cookies are not that great. You would think with them not being all that great it would prevent me from wanting them, but no, I ate them anyway. In the past when I wanted something like that, it had to be the most fabulous cookie, chocolate or whatever so the calories were worth it and helped with a craving. Not all chocolates are created equal!  For some reason this Labor Day weekend, I did not think along those lines. I ate without a second thought to calories or fat. I also failed at dinner. We had a fire up one of the canyons and roasted hot dogs over it. Made and ate some homemade potato salad along with some potato chips, oh and s'mores. I also opted for juice (calories) instead of my usual water (no calories).It was all delicious, but not much in the healthy categories. Convenient foods seem to make life easy, but they are generally not healthy.  We did have some cantaloupe and I might add the best cantaloupe I have had in a few years!
When the weekend was over and my son left, I was like "whoa, what just happened"?

I realized a few things looking back at this; 1) I did what was easy and fun for the moment 2) convenience isn't all it is cracked up to be 3) one needs a plan to face these tough situations The good notes that came through this weekend, first the company was wonderful and it was so great to see my son and meet his friends! Totally enjoyed having him around even if it was very short lived! I  feel good when I am outside in the mountains. Looking for a picnic spot, I jumped at the chance to go scout out a place as it being Labor Day, all the places were very packed! I would have never done that in the past. In the past I was afraid of being to slow and breathing to hard even on a short walk.I would have saved my energy for the moment we actually had a spot to unload too. I was not afraid anymore, I just popped out of the car and did a quick walk thru at one of the sites! I am accepting the fact that quick in prompt too events are ok as long as I get back on track immediately following them.

Sometimes the occasion just calls for hot dogs, chips and s'mores and I need to allow that once in awhile, hot dogs on an open fire are the best!  I will never buy cookie mix anymore and do them from scratch instead! Muffins are ok from a box.
Convenient living is partially what got me to my fat zone and this weekend was a great reminder it isn't all it is cracked up to be. I like the time it takes to cook, smart and healthy and it is always delicious, plus I feel so gourmet chef when I cook from scratch. I am back on track and learned somethings along the way. I have also learned that I seriously need to make many more visits up the canyon! Hike, picnic, fire pits hang out  chatting with people I love, taking in the fresh air and the beauty of creation! It was a great weekend after all said and done, because the best parts have nothing to do with the food, it is the people we spend time with!

Figuring out my Blog, not my figure

I have been very slack once again and I tend to over think things with many things in my life, so I apollogize.

I have a friend who writes a blog http://myfoodnfitnessdiaries.com/and she was struggling with the name of it awhile back and kept renaming it, which made me start thinking about my Blog title. I have a hard time spelling Metamorphosis, it is not a word one uses very often. I thought I would try and come up with something new and wrote a bunch down to ponder for awhile. I was running them by a couple of my peeps and some gave me new ideas, but the suggestions strayed from the point and why I am writing it. When I looked up the meanings again, I decided with a boost from my daughter Daffney that it is named perfect for what I am doing, so it remains as is!
I have also struggled with what to write as I don't want things to be repetitive from past blog posts. My friend listed above with the blog asked me why I don't write more and I explained that I feel like I have expressed most of these emotions in my blogs before and did not want to repeat. She suggested I not worry about it and just share what my day was like facing different struggles and sucesses. Like I said I have a tendancy to over think things and realized I can make changes as I go, after all I am in a metamorphosis so I will be writing more even if it hits on something I have expressed before.
I was told by a couple people that sometimes my blog is too long and when they open it to read they sometimes do not have time to read it, so I am trying to shorten them. I have felt that way about a few I like to follow and I think I will get back to it when I have time to read it, sometimes I do and other times I forget. So I will try and make them shorter. (Not all ,because I do like to ramble sometimes.)
On a note about my health, I feel my clothes getting bigger on me! Some blouses I can actually button in the front and not leave open with a layered shirt. My shorts and pants I can pull down without unzipping or unbuttoning them. I hope no one tries to yank them now, that would be a total embarrasement! I will try and get some help to do some measurements to compare and post that soon. I need new clothes badly, but have such a long ways to go, so my question is at what point do you get new clothes when you know you have so much more weight to lose? I do not have money to spend every few months, so any suggestions? My next blog will be more about my health and less about my blog...LOL

Encouragement hit me today!

I have not weighed in for awhile mainly, because I have not felt like I have been doing enough to make this happen. One other reason is the Tuesday weigh in deal was not working for my daughter and I so we were going to go with Sundays,which we will get into action this next Sunday. So far it seems we keep forgetting till late into the day and no one wants to weigh in at night, right? Not me, you always weigh more at night than the earlier part of the day!
Today, we both remembered we need to get back on this and set up a routine.On our way down stairs to weigh in I was feeling like I was going to let her and myself down when I weighed in so I was dreading this. Dixie works hard at trying to keep me focused. I call her sometimes on my way home from work and ask her if she wants anything, a meal, a treat, anything to give me an excuse to stop for myself. She has been great at saying "mom, I am good, plus you want to save some money and lose weight right, so just come home and we can snack on something here". I am thankful to God each time she says such things, because I pray to Him to help me stay focused on treating my body with respect and the health that he has given me and focus better on my finances.
I have also not been exercising like I want to, mainly due to my new job. I am not enjoying it at all and looking again. I am drained and frustrated when I get home. Anxiety is triggering again, because of this job. I have no contact with people or feel like a part of a team or anything. The environment is lonely and frustrating. One plus to this job is I stand the whole time and bend and squat and lift boxes, so I get some activity out of it!
This week I am helping at our church Mega Sports Camp/ VBS and  Mondays word  for the day was "Change". It made me start thinking of what do I need to change in my life to live life better than I have been? I know there is much to change so I am dwelling on this thought and really trying to focus on what changes need to be made.
Tuesday the word for the day was "Endurance". I need endurance to complete this because it will be a long road. I was telling my daughter that I feel bad for people who do not have hope for the future.When things are tough or discouraging many people just settle for where they are and that is the way it will always be. This saddens me because Hope seems to be the thing that can keep me going. I know if I keep trying even after I fail I will get there. I know God will help me get there.  I am anxious to learn about the rest of the weeks words of the day as they are encouraging me on my journey.
God put my little Dixie here to help me and remind me of what I need to do. Last week we went on a hike! I am so happy she is willing to do things with me! We trekked through snow and mud and hills and I did it! It was not over whelming, nor did I wonder if I could do it. What I have learned in the past year is that I can do it, I just need to get out there and do it! We hiked about 2 1/2 miles and it was good!
In the mean time, I weighed in today. I have finally dropped below the 290 mark! I know this was suppose to be hit mid June, but I keep pressing on even when I do not hit my original goals. I can still achieve and set new goals!  I am enduring and hoping for the future. Finishing my race so to speak even if I do it at a turtle speed. I have been encouraged in so many ways the last 2 weeks and it hit me with a nice surprise today, weight loss! Your getting there Lisa one step at a time!

A Wedding can be a Big Motivator!

On May 1st, 2011 my daughter Daisy got engaged! On May 1st, 2011 I made a new commitment! Being a momma of the bride, I will get this done! My family will be growing and I will be shrinking! It is a new motivation and one with a deadline!
I have a little over a year to transform this body and I am so excited and feel like this is finally the motivation that will kick my butt into gear! I have not worn a dress in probably 12 years. I can remember the last time and it was for a family members wedding, actually 3 of them that year. It felt like I was wearing a big tarp or my grandma's moo moo. Not feeling very attractive in a dress I have stuck with slacks ever since, even at formal events and funerals. At the wedding,  I will wear a dress, I will look better for pictures as I have been avoiding the camera for over 25 years. I will have the energy and enjoy the wedding festivities with all the excitement and work that goes into it all and still look fresh and vibrant with my new found self!
I sat down and wrote out some specific goals and my daughter Dixie will be my head accountability partner in this. I am keeping a log of what I eat and what I do for exercise and she will be reading that. I will be weighing in with her on Tuesdays as that is "Biggest Loser " Day! I weighed in on Tuesday, May 3rd for the first time since my last post and weighed 302. My goal is 10 pounds a month. I figured it is very achievable, realistic and healthy and after a year I will be 120 pounds lighter and I have a few more months than that, so yeah even more! The wedding date has not officially been set yet, because it will be after she graduates college next May, but probably July or August of 2012!
I think the reason I am so excited that this weight loss will finally come off is I work well with deadlines and this deadline is an exciting one! A Wedding!
I don't know why I haven't thought of having a deadline before! Maybe there wasn't anything too exciting in the future that would be my reward. I could think of things I wanted to do differently and have the health, strength and energy to do them, but they are just things with no dates. Looking at my past I see that I have stayed focused for about 3-4 months before it all tapers off and I fall back to my old ways. I have let small set backs become big hold backs at getting it done. I am very sensitive and emotional in many ways and small things seem to knock me off my game. I don't have time to let those things get to me now with a deadline, I have to work through them!
Some of the healthy lifestyle changes I have made have stuck with me and I have made small progressions of change even when I lose focus. Everything I have done that included a deadline, I see I am more focused and work till I get the job done, even if I miss out on sleep and pull all nighter's or my body hurts so much from all the work I have done, I can still manage to keep moving and press on till the project is done. My past also shows me that when I don't have deadlines I take a very laid back approach at getting them done and they go to the back of the line for when I have extra time or think about it or feel like it. This can no longer be delayed.
I thought to myself that if this does not motivate me nothing will and I am a lost soul trying to be something I can never achieve. But then I realized, I never want to give up on this.I feel with all my heart and soul that this is my time to accomplish it! And not to give myself an out, but if this does not happen in the next year for this wedding, I will be signing up for Biggest Loser every season till I get on the show to get it done!
 So Tuesdays will be weigh in days and if I don't have anything ready to blog about I will at least post my weight, deal? Ok, it is a deal! And in Biggest Loser style in little over a year I will have my makeover and look and feel like a princess! Oops, I guess I will be the queen being the momma at the wedding of a princess! We will dance and celebrate her day in style!
Let the new journey begin!

The Missing Link

I continue to learn more and more about myself daily, weekly, monthly, by the season. As the last couple of months continue it seems I have fallen deeper and deeper into a depression I am battling to free myself of. In my life I have had small waves of depression and as soon as I recognize what is happening I have been able to pull myself out of it by changing my perception or attitude. Through those times I have learned how to look at the positives in life no matter how simple they are and be thankful. I have been the encourager, the positive out looker on things for others and myself and it isn't working lately to get me out of my dark self. As the last few months have passed it seems the negative wants to defeat me and take over, wallowing in self pity, not having the energy to keep fighting. I don't seem to be able to say some magically, uplifting, motivating, positive words that generally kick in a spark to move forward. My disappointment in myself is deflating me, I have let myself down, I have let others down.
There are many factors in my life that I am trying to change and none of them seem to be going anywhere. I have not made progress in my weight loss, I am still without a job and finances are getting tough and all are contributing to these emotions right now. I had quit my job mainly for health reasons, I was having migraines and stomach issues due to the stress of working at a job I was not happy doing. I knew this fact 3 months into the job, but hung in there for 3 1/2 years because it is an awesome company and I liked the people I worked with and there were many great perks. The job itself conflicted to much with my personality of who I am and I started getting ill more and more frequently. I have not been sick at all since I quit so for that reason it was good for me to leave. The part that is feeding into my depression, I thought I would have found a new job by now. I am getting weary from the search, the ups and downs of interviews and hope, to not getting the job. I feel prejudged based off of my size. The quick negative thoughts fill up my head and then I tell myself, " Lisa the economy is bad and the right job will come along, be patient and keep searching. There is a job with your name on it, God will provide". Another factor I think about, is all this time I have had to focus on my weight and for awhile I was doing good, but now it is like starting over again, back where I was when I started this blog. I am still jobless, financially struggling, and still battling getting control of my weight. A new discovery is the weather and it's negative affect on me. We have a long winter here and although I love the sun and snow, I discovered my downward mood changes when the sky is grey or when the snow melts and I can see the brown lifeless ground. When the snow falls or the skies are blue I am lifted up, perky, happy, energized so the weather at least this year is also playing a factor. Maybe the weather is playing into the depression, because like my life, I am ready for change and I keep getting teased with change, yet everything remains the same.
I know I need to take action for change to happen, but lately I have disillusioned myself into believing I don't have the strength or will power or a strong enough desire to make it happen, to be successful. I am totally discouraged with myself. I am lower than I have ever been in my life. I don't know how I can have all this knowledge and understanding of how to get it done yet not able to put it into practice. It is as if I am lacking  a part of the puzzle, missing a link. Why am I at the starting line again?
I have not given up, because giving up would be not caring anymore or even care to ponder the questions. I have mentioned once that when you start asking questions things seem to appear to help you answer those questions. It is happening for me, all the why questions getting answered.  God is trying to get my attention, literally! Blogs, books, Sunday messages, friends who care, all pointing me in the direction of the answers I seek.  The first strong attention getter came in the form of this blog; http://realdealdakota.blogspot.com/2011/03/what-gathers-us-together.html It asks what are you married to?
I realized I am married to food. I have a stronger addiction to food than I wanted to admit. Another eye opener that brought me to this conclusion is a book a friend lent me titled "Made to Crave" http://madetocrave.org/ . I have been craving food more than I crave God. All this time I have been working at transforming my life, myself,  instead of letting God transform me. I have prayed for strength and focus as I went along, but no other actions in my relationship with God.  I have been treating this relationship as a user and not really reaching out to get to know God, just a thought, a prayer to acknowledge His presence. Praying for others, but not involving him in my life. On my own, I have thought I wasn't worth transforming. I have a hard time loving myself. As I read and grow in my understanding of how much God loves me and wants more for me I need to let Gods love pour over me. I need to tear down the protective complacent walls I have built thinking I wasn't deserving of His love, not wanting to experience His love. When I feel His love I begin to cry and then I put up my wall, because I don't think I can go there, I don't deserve it. There is nothing I can do to earn His love. He loves me as I am, broken and hurting, so losing weight won't make Him love me more. I have been trying to perfect myself before I allow him to love me, yet he is there waiting for me to take his hand. I have known this and share that with others yet I was not applying it to myself. He loves us all beyond our knowledge or understanding of love. I know I am made for more than this life I have created for myself. I need to let God create my life, I need to accept the love, courage and wisdom He alone can give me to help me live for the greater things he has in store for me.
 I have read a couple things and wrote them down and taped to my fridge and food cupboard. One is a verse " Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial for me. I will not be mastered by anything" 1Corinthians 6:12 The other is a prayer I read from Made to Crave " God, I recognize I am made for more than this vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I need to eat to live not live to eat.So I ask you for your wisdom to know what to eat and your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me" Crave God more than I crave food, this is my missing link.
I can not do this on my own, I am reaching out with arms wide open ready to be transformed into what God has created, Lisa letting God love her.

Visually Medicated

As you know last week I came to the realization that with all the thoughts and information I have stored up in my little brain, I need a map. I have realized how aimlessly I have wandered along my trail. I think I know enough internally, I have read books, highlighted favorite inspirations and things I think would be helpful, turned the corners of pages down so that I can find them again quickly, I have learned from trainers, listened and watched  and been inspired by the Biggest Loser, yet the application is lacking on my part. It is kind of an overload of information that has been stored up in the thought processes yet no map as to how and use it all.

Last week after admitting I must need a map also meant I had to get to work on what that map would consist of. I started writing things down I thought would help me, things I need to change. Just one liners like what time to start dinner so we don't eat so late or how many days I will exercise.

I have verbally medicated myself several times to pull myself out of deeply seeded negative thoughts of myself. I have had friends verbally medicate with encouraging words. Last night I was talking with a friend who has his own battles and as we talked I realized we are verbally medicating each other. Giving out doses of encouragement and ideas of what steps we are taking to make changes to better our lives. He is the stronger one as we talk. He has helped people in my situation trying to lose weight and has learned much about looking at things in a different perspective. He is in the process of learning a new language to replace the time he used for drinking: to kick a bad habit and replace it with a good habit. He shared the things that transpired in his life that made him want to change and fix what is broken. We all have things in our lives, sometimes deep seeded that broke us at some point. A life like my cookie cutter blog. It is what we know. I think mine is a collaboration of things. I am always learning and growing and making changes, tweaking what I know.

I have always been strong at verbal medication. When I am down and those negative seeds start getting a grip on me, I know how to verbally dose myself with a positive pill. I am always a great encourager to others, but sometimes when it comes to myself, words sometimes are just words and even though the verbal dose pushes the negatives away for a bit, they seem to resurface again and again, which really means I am not yet fixed or healed. Talking with my friend, he said something along the lines of, when you are healed from those negative seeds they stop surfacing. Whatever triggers those will be healed when you have put something new in its place. Which brought me back to the fact that I need to say goodbye to myself in order for the new self to emerge. The verbal medication is a temporary fix. It keeps me going for a little while, but I need to change in order for it to completely heal me.

I have decided with my mapping that I am taking my verbal medication and making it visual medication. I am a person who learns by seeing and doing, a hands on approach, so maybe I need the visuals to help me stay focused. Writing it down and making goals visible works for many people so why not me. I don't have to think my way through, I can get my medication via visual aid. My map is becoming a real guide. This week I made an encouraging board of words, quotes and of activities I'd like to do.

I made another board reminding me about exercise.

I made some check list charts of the things I had mentioned in my map.

My map is complete for this week, ready to take aim on the path, the climb and as I climb into new territory I will keep looking at the map making adjustments for where I am so that I can continuously move forward.

I read a quote this week " SLOW is always better than NO"

I might be slow, but I have not said no. .

My front porch view inspires, I like when it is clear out as it is a visual reminder of some of my dreams.

Keep visualizing and it will keep you medicated for your dreams!

What is my GPS?

Oh my, what a week I have had since my last blog. I had so much to think about after my last posting. I have had a hard time wrapping my head around what do I do next. After all, my dream seems to keep crashing and I needed to clarify the answer as to why. Why do I so willingly take the first step yet never complete the climb? Why do I lose focus of a dream I have had for so long, to just turn around and keep starting over again and again?

I thought about the title to my blog; Logistics = supplying, equipping and moving. I picked this word because of its meaning and I realized that I am not applying it. I have figured out that I need a map. I don't want to get off track anymore. It is hard to keep gearing up and set forth at the beginning of the familiar trail and never reaching the top. Almost feels like the movie "Ground Hog Day" I keep repeating and starting over.
I have always had a good sense of direction. If I am not sure how to get somewhere, all I generally need is a quick glimpse of the map. I have never really needed great details to get where I was headed. I have driven across country a few times and other destinations and it is easy for me, so who needs a map; not me.
I am learning that in this case (losing weight), it isn't easy for me and I need that map! The concept of losing weight seems easy enough , eat right and exercise, a no brainer right? Apparently it is more complex than that, at least for me. If I am not succeeding in this endeavor I need to do something different. I can't keep repeating what isn't working.
I faced some things this week. One, I have been afraid of this journey, but not understood what I was so afraid of. I figured out that my fears are not about losing the weight, but what my life be like after I lose the weight. I have no idea what that life will be like. For some reason I haven't moved forward, because I don't have a clear and complete vision. I keep trying to invision it, but nothing.
Two, I don't seem to have strong, inspiring motivators in place to help me stay on the path. I realized my motivations are very vague, so I have reevaluated those.  One dream has been to travel, as many of us dream. To travel to far away lands seem to be out of reach for many of us, it is just a dream. Not impossible, but if I am lucky maybe it will happen. Maybe someday I will get the chance to go.This is the mind set many of us take towards our dreams. That is the approach to many of my dreams; just a thought, not something I am really working towards. The #1 place on this earth I have dreamed about seeing is the Fjords in Norway. I would love to take some sort of boat ride or cruise up one or more of these magnificent fjords. Hike across the tops looking downward. I sought out a few pictures this week to motivate me and will be alternating them on my computer wallpaper for a daily reminder. I have other dreams besides travel, but the beauty of Norway is very inspiring to me. Makes my heart long for something.

I find it interesting that when you start asking yourself questions and really seeking the answers, the answers seem to start appearing all around you. I read this quote this week which is actually an Irish Proverb: " You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind" This hit me in the face with a harsh slap! I need to stop mulling it over in my mind and write out a map. I have spent to much time just thinking about losing weight and not nearly enough time on the action. I am working on the map, the action plan to accomplish it. The weight loss part of this journey has things that are SMART= Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. I have been taught how to make specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely goals. I have failed in taking the time to write them out. For the above mentioned reason, I thought I needed to make goals that included the life that will follow the weight loss. The thing is this, those things that follow can't be put into the SMART formate of goals. It is the unknown. So I need to just map out the part I do know and take the actions that I can do today, a week at a time. God has a plan for the rest and I don't have to know what that is, I just have to trust him and do the part I am aware of
.

I read a blog a couple days ago that was written by a girl I have recently met. Her life, her words totally inspired me to weeping tears. They fit so much with my struggle and have helped me better understand myself. To bring some answers to some of my questions. This young girl from Central Nebraska left everything and everyone she knows this week and flew to South Africa. She will be there for a year. She has been planning it for a while, but it came to fruition this last week and she has landed in South Africa! Why am I so amazed by this girl? What has inspired me? It is how she is following where God has led her. Not knowing exactly why, but trusting in him, living for Him, living a dream. Quoting Jordan Alexis Schroeder: "So here's to now. Here's to being lost in a whirlwind of confusion, here's to not having a map to life. Here's to having a dream, even if you don't know exactly what that dream is, here's to chasing your dreams, even if you don't have a path laid before you. Here's to the acceptance that sometimes you have to wave goodbye, not only to your home and to your safety net, but to yourself." She also stated in a little different wordage, "Here's to following God" . You have to read her whole blog because it is off the charts inspiring! http://jordanschroeder.blogspot.com/2011/01/heres-to-day-two.html

I learned something about myself with her words, I don't have to have the path laid out before me, because yeah...we don't have a map for life! It would be boring if we could see the whole thing and just follow along accomplishing the map with check marks. We have free will!  I learned that I have to step out of my safety net and this was probably the tear jerker of all, I have to say goodbye to not only what I know, but to myself. God is changing me and I need to let down that safety net and follow him. It is my Metamorphosis, it is what I want most, it is to be changed. Changed for Gods purpose, to be healthy and fit to accomplish what God wants of me...whatever that is, I don't know. I need to change the way I have been looking at things and put it into an action that I am not familiar with. Quoting Jordan, "God taught me something so important today! ... My thought process lately has been, "I am here, so what should I be doing? Who should I be?" But today God helped me realize that my thought process should actually be, "God is here, what is he doing? How can I join him? Who does he want me to become?".

Yes, I need a map for the weight loss and I am getting that figured out with some clarity. I do not want to live in fear of what life will be after that. I want to share that God is walking this step by step with me, he is the potter, I am the clay. He will shape me and mold me for this is what I pray. I will leave the future in Gods hands and take action on what I can do, today and tomorrow. I am ready for My Metamorphosis.

Thrown into the Mixing Bowl

The holidays have come and gone and I followed the same recipe I always have in the past and it is called "tradition". I am looking at my results and it is like a cookie cutter stamping out the same cookie over and over, the same Christmas as the year before and the year before that and so on.
Over the last couple years I have contemplated "what can I do, to change up Christmas" as it has kind of becoming a blur, because of the look a like copies of each year. The first thoughts of needed change have come with the fact my children are growing, moving to far away places and we all have jobs that seem to keep us apart on holidays. I have felt lonely and a need for change, but what? In this last year I have also added the thoughts regarding a healthier holiday. Just quick thoughts about needed change doesn't really get results. Even though I think about it, that cookie cutter just stamped out another Christmas without a new recipe.
I guess I should follow all the wisdom in magazine articles and set goals in writing, make an action plan, write a new recipe. When you want change, but fail to write a recipe you will get the same old cookie, because you will fall back on the recipe you already know all to well. I let that happen as I have yet to come up with an ingredient list and instructions as to how to make it happen.  Prep work is not exactly the fun part of anything, it is the results! I have to do the prep work for the results to be enjoyed. I think part of my problem is that I am not sure what the end results will be or exactly what I want them to be. I am afraid. I don't have the complete taste or hint of the spice that will be in the end result. I read a quote lately, "You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step" Dr MLK Jr  I feel like I keep taking that first step trying to attempt a new recipe, but then I go for what is easy and don't complete the rest of the staircase. I get out of breath, uncomfortable and stop and step back to what I know best, my comfortable place, the nice cookie cutter I use all the time. Possibly afraid of what is at the top. The not knowing, but I can't think of anything negative so why not, right?
I am a big lump of dough trying to figure out what I want to be. I easily let others shape me and mold me with requests of " oh your going to make ________ for Christmas, right? I love those!" or "We are having _______for" breakfast, dinner, Christmas eve whatever the traditional cookie cutter has produced in the past. I don't like to disappoint and what I have done is created tradition, a tradition that needs to be changed. I need to be the head chef and not only for me, but the whole family. Show them all a new recipe and that change is an adventure to be tasted. There will still be memories, new memories and not the same cookie year after year.
I have mentioned in a past blog that I don't really bake very much, but at Christmas all hell breaks loose in the kitchen and batches and batches of treats get made in a very short window of time. Why, because it is part of the tradition. In a 24 hr period I made 2 loaves of banana bread 1 w/ nuts 1 w/o nuts; 3 batches of  different types of cookies = 144 cookies; 3 batches of fudge  1 w/ nuts 1 w/o nuts and 1 peanut butter fudge = 60 pieces; 1 batch of scones = 16 pieces; and 2 types of dip for all the crackers and chips and it was devoured by mostly 3 people in a little over a week.  I did give a little of it away, but not much. All of the  ingredients I wanted to try and avoid, yet devoured, because I did not take the time to write out a new recipe.That lack of planning has resulted in extra dough on my body. I am back at the bottom of my mixing bowl wanting to rise to the top and be formed into something new.
This season I have grown to a new understanding of myself. My Christmas's are a reflection of the year. I keep picking the same cookie cutter, because it is easy to stamp out what I know. Basically this years results looks alot like I just got beat from one side of the bowl to another, rising and falling like a yeast dough. I went back to where I said I did not want to ever return...the temp of 300 +. In order for my results to change I need to venture out, write down a new ingredients list and the instructions to change the shape of my cookie. It is time to roll out the dough and do some prep work. I tried a few new things this last year. I had pinches of different seasonings and I liked it. I will add the new seasonings into my ingredients not by teaspoons full, but tablespoons and cups full and look for more ingredients so the formula results in the flavors I desire and want in my life. I will no longer be the cookie cutter, I am the chef! Head chef!  A new year and beyond with new flavors to behold...head Chef!
Whats cookin' in your life? any new ingredients? Lets all get out of the mixing bowl and become the chef, molding a new recipe for the year and years to come! Yes, Head Chef! Yes!

1 week 2 weeks 3 weeks 4

It has been over a month since my last confession...LOL well blog. And I don't want them to be confessions but inspirations. This last four weeks...... now a confession. I have failed myself in what I know to be true.
I do like exercise, (unlike many people). I like competing, challenging myself, the energy it gives, feeling stronger, healthier and yet I lost focus on these and failed to commit these last 4 weeks. I don't seem to be one of those people who can keep a habit going after I have implemented it 30+ days. You know that saying if you want to make some changes, make those changes for at least 30 days it becomes a part of you and a habit? Not me..sadly. I have even been making changes for more than 30 -60-90 days and still it is not a habit. I don't understand why when it is something I want. Some people say exercise is like brushing your teeth every day, it is part of a healthy routine, but not yet mine.Then I tell myself I must not want it bad enough, yet I shed tears about this and read about it and every morsel I eat I think about the consequences. I must want it, but I have given in and say, "tomorrow I will do better", and tomorrow comes and maybe one small thing in the day I was able to focus and make right, but no big force field of change.

Week 1~
I am so happy that my health screening had great healthy results. I decide I can take a small break, because I need to focus on finding a job. Online job searching takes so much time, I hate it! Sign up with different sites, apply, apply, apply, no responses. I did run twice this week just to get some cardio in and relieve my mind of the stress of finding a job. I still ate somewhat healthy, but my husband brought home something amazingly deliciously wrong for me and I ate and ate and then told him...never bring this into the house again. It was Sea salted caramel swirled vanilla bean ice cream..or something along that line. Salty, creamy sweetness..man that was good! Fail week 1

Week 2~
The weather has changed, I am cold! I actually sit and want nothing more that hot drinks, honey lemon tea, green tea, hot cider. I am bundled up, reading books and shopping on line for a job. Not moving much at all. One day I do say to myself, you would get warm if you go downstairs and exercise and I did, but just one day. My meals have changed too. Now that I am cold all the time, comfort foods, sauces, melted cheese on things and bread. I am not even drinking water, well maybe one glass of water a day...now it gives me chills to drink water. Just hot tea seems to be my liquid. I think to myself, it will be ok, it has only been two weeks, you are job searching and taking care of your family, you will be ok, 2 weeks of slacking can't have been to detrimental, just get back on track, it will all be good. Yet I am afraid to weigh myself, because I have not been doing what I set out to accomplish. Fail week 2

Week 3 ~
 I don't think about exercise at all this week. I think about food, because Thanksgiving is this week.  I am going to Laramie for thanksgiving. I get to see my daughter and we will make thanksgiving easy and simple. We did good, probably the lightest Thanksgiving dinner ever or at least in the last 16 years, but left overs...I had pumpkin pie for breakfast each morning, yes with whipped cream and coffee with peppermint mocha creamer and sugar. I had a couple glasses of wine each night while nibbling on chex mix. It was so cold and windy there,  3 degrees with wind chill of -8 that the walks we planned on doing, we did not do. I think I have cold air induced asthma. The one day it warmed up to 30, I had a headache and stayed in while the girls walked the dogs. I did drink a lot of water while there, mainly because of the dryness and trying to stay hydrated. I figure when I get home, now that thanksgiving is complete and done I can get back on track. I get home and my husband has bought a wonderful ham. 2 dinners and a couple ham and grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch later...I am for sure going to get busy on this weight loss plan! I have slacked long enough.Time has gotten away from me, 2 weeks passing isn't too bad, but now I am up to 3 weeks and starting to think I have lost control of my plan. I have eaten poorly and not exercising at all this week. Fail week 3

Week 4 ~
Yikes, what the heck is wrong with me that I have let this much time pass without getting back to it! OMG, I have to weigh myself and see what damage I have done, I am very afraid now. This week I have focused back towards what I eat and doing pretty good, not great. I have not exercised except for some leaf raking a few days. The snow is melting and the leaves underneath are so thick they will kill the grass if I don't get on that! I am being creative and making some Christmas presents, so I am spending about 4-5 hours a day on that this week. I am still cold, but drinking water more, but still hooked on hot tea. I am limiting the sugar I add in my tea slowly again as I had increased it lately as if my tea is a treat, tastes like a honey lemon drop. As I approached my art table yesterday, being it is downstairs sharing the room I work out in I decided to just deal with it and weigh myself. I had been thinking of prolonging writing for another week to see if I could make some attempts toward my goal and weigh in later so I would not have a possible jump in the weight, but I decided to be real with myself and you all, so the weight is posted. Week 4 fail

As you see, I try to reason with myself about why I have not made time for focusing on what I thought was my main goal. Making excuses really. Apparently I let things get in the way and lose focus easily. I have had a couple friends who have lost weight in the last couple months and it shows greatly on their body as they are much thinner. I am impressed! I am inspired again. Biggest Loser is ending and although this season did not seem to inspire me as much as in the past, I still sat and cried each week and this last week the final 4 ran the marathon. That always inspires me, because 12 weeks ago they could not even walk a mile. I can't imagine running a marathon. I am focused on accomplishing a 5k and feel I can achieve that if I can stay on track.  Inspiration has taken hold again. I will get back on track and push myself to be under 290 by the new year...how about that! K, now that I have stated that, I am nervous yet challenged to do so, yikes.
I know I put a fail after each week, but failure is not even trying and I am successful in the fact I am aware of what I have been doing or lack of doing. I am successful, because I am not giving up to attempt changing my life to a healthier one. I am successful, because I can admit my failures and learn and grow. I am successful, because I am changing. Today is a new day. 1 week 2 weeks 3 weeks 4, no matter how many weeks slip by there is always a new day to start a successful day, week, month, life.

The Inside Scoop

I have a blog titled "It is how we measure" that I've shared my experience and thoughts of how we measure our health and the most frequently asked question is "How much weight have you lost", which of course when trying to lose weight would be the question inquiring minds would want to know.  We all want to see that number decrease when losing weight, but I shared some of the other factors that improve while attempting the healthy changes; for instance endurance in cardio, balance and coordination, strength and happy endorphins. Today I have another measurement that goes along with the health campaigns to get America's obesity factors changed and get us to be a healthier country.
The numbers are about what is happening on the inside of the body and the question we have all heard over and over via TV shows like Biggest Loser or Dr. Oz  and even possibly your own Dr. The question " Do you know your numbers?" This question is familiar to us all and it is not about a math class, but our health! The know your numbers campaign is referring to; Blood Pressure, LDL Cholesterol, Blood Glucose and BMI ( body mass index) and some even measure the circumference of the body where your stomach is located.
Over the last few years, because of my weight I have been terrified to have these measured. People my size have these numbers shoot through the roof! When Dr.'s see these numbers they wonder how it is we are still alive. These numbers can be very scary and knowing them, at least for me could create added stress. For awhile I have wondered how it was that I was still alive. If walking up a small flight of stairs gets you winded..it can't be good. I knew I was in serious trouble.
There have been a few times over the last few years that I have been ill and went to the 24 hr care center..avoiding a real Dr. visit and on those occasions did have my blood pressure taken. Each time it was 150+/90 - ish and back in the day when I was healthier my number was 120/70. Knowing this tidbit about my blood pressure was scary enough to encourage me to make changes.
 I have avoided the Dr. for many years. One reason is that I know I am over weight, I know I have not eaten a healthy diet. I was a drive thru junk food addict hitting the drive thru several times a week. I know my numbers had to be off the charts! I know I have abused my bodies health and was afraid of walking! I was afraid of getting out of breath, building up pressure and having a heart attack! I had gotten afraid to live even a simple life out of fear of sudden death. One other reason for avoiding the Dr. is my lack of respect for the way many Dr's practice medicine. It is a what are your symptoms, here is a pill  method vs. here are your symptoms lets find out why and see what changes you can make to alleviate the symptoms. Then you add all the warnings associated with pills these days and risk factors I did not want to be handed a pill. I will avoid the pills thank you very much and get busy!
I have watched and read  many health related issues so I knew what I needed to do in order to change the direction of my health.  I'd rather exercise and learn to eat right than take a bunch of pills/chemicals with side effects. Good nutrition and exercise will get rid of plenty of my symptoms! Watching the Biggest Loser and Dr. Oz , I have seen that by applying exercise and eating right that within 3-6 weeks people are off of the med's they were taking for blood pressure, diabetes and lowering cholesterol. They are still heavy so losing weight is not the only factor to changing these "know your number" numbers! That was encouraging, because it takes along time to drop the weight (BMI) number. They have added years to their lives with eating right and exercising and saving lots of money by getting off of the med's!  This is fantastic news! This is encouraging!
 Knowing this information helped me realize I can make some drastic changes in my health even when the weight loss is a slow process. I am changing the inside faster than the visual outside parts of me! Yesterday, I had to go in for a health screening for our health insurance We will get money put onto our health insurance savings card if we meet at least one of the four target goals set up by the insurance company. 1 target met = $150, 2 targets met = $300 and 3 targets met = $450 and that is the max so 3 out of the 4 will give you the maximum $'s.  I was scared yet with all the changes I have made thought it might not be to bad. I have been applying these changes for a couple years and even more so in the last 3 months. The targets for the insurance were slightly different than the National Institute of Health numbers so I am going to list those two numbers along with my numbers for you. My husband works for Kroger so that will be the K, NIH for the National Inst of Health and of course my number which will be my name. Here goes, drum roll please:
Blood Pressure-NIH = 120/70 ~ K = 140/90 ~ Lisa = 129/88 ~  target 1 met =$150
Blood Glucose- NIH = 100 ~ K= 125 ~ Lisa = 106 ~  target 2 met =$300
LDL Cholesterol - NIH = 100 ~ K= 160 ~ Lisa = 127 ~  target 3 met = $450
even my other cholesterol factors were all in the healthy numbers! Since I met 3 out of 4 I did not have to get weighed and measured for the BMI, besides I know those numbers! Wii Fit Plus gives me that # when I weigh in each week. It is dropping so eventually I will get that met, but for an FYI for those of you watching your BMI numbers NIH = 25 and K insurance wanted a BMI of 29. I think my last BMI on Wii was 50.03 yikes, but you know my weight now, so that would be expected. Not afraid to go there anymore with all of you.
So there it is! The inside scoop! My work is paying off and I have reaped other rewards for my changes! The number associated with weight is still moving slowly, but the inside numbers tell me this is all worth it!

Get busy y'all and add numbers of years to your life! Make the insides as healthy as you can and in the process the number that affects how we see each other on the outside will start dropping too. That is my inside scoop!

The Sight, The Smell & The Taste

I have a high brain function, but it seems to be geared to the pleasure of food. I sometimes feel like a mouse in a lab experiment searching through the maze for the most appealing taste bud stimuli...what looks good, smells good and will taste good? No matter what I have in the house that is healthy I still search to see if there is something better. Better is not always best, just seems so to the tongue.
Everyone has seen and read in countless bits of advice when trying to make healthy changes, to clean your cabinets, fridge, pantry of any unhealthy choices. The unhealthy items will win the battle of decisions no matter how hard you try and say no, they call out your name, you know they are there. I have just experienced this first hand, the reasons to remove them! I have done a pretty good job of not even having them in the house and left on my own devices would remain successful. Like most people out there, I do not live alone. I have a husband who has the ability to purchase and bring home groceries. My husband is a treat-o-holic. He was raised with a mom who made numerous treats, multiple cakes and cookies in one weekend to prepare for Sunday gatherings and the week ahead. Before I met him and he was a kid I am sure she did this for the kids (6) for after school snacks and school lunches. I don't bake and it is a rare occasion when I do. Since I don't make treats instead he buys them, brings them home. He sticks them up high in the cupboard out of my reach basically, but I know they are there, I can use a kitchen utensil and knock them down. I don't find his purchasing very supportive of my efforts. I will search the cupboards to see what my options are. I can resist sometimes, but not always. If it isn't in the house I won't select it right?! He does not understand what he puts me through.
 The beginning of October I decorated for fall. I love fall! It is the season that most inspires my creativity and I seem to get alot of energy from that creative thinking. Anyway, I have a few clear glass candy dish pumpkins that I tend to buy Halloween colored M&M's and candy corn every year to add to the color of the fall displays...and nibble on. It is tradition! This year I thought about buying such items, but opted out and decided I can live with them empty. If it isn't here I won't be tempted to eat, so I didn't. After a couple weeks of the candy dishes sitting empty, what does my husband do? He decides to bring home some candy corn! Ugh!  I think to myself, "I can do this no big deal, besides they really don't taste that great". It will look pretty and I will leave it alone and just take the approach of how pretty it will look sitting there in the candy dish. Well, I open the bag and that wonderful delightful smell of candy corn hits my nose! The aroma is wonderful! The freshest candy corn ever! Now I have seen, I have smelled, now I want a taste! I take just a few and it is wonderful! The aroma matches the taste! As the evening progresses the smell is so delightful I keep taking a few here and there as I make dinner. In the next 24 hours I decide I can not handle just a few of these little morsels so I dump a large handful in my hand. I gobble them down and realize I am now miserable. The taste no longer matched the smell, because they still smelled amazing! As I sit miserable, I have come to the conclusion that I really, really, really like the smell of candy corn more than I like the taste You know this candy corn is a popular scent for a candle and I know now I will never buy one because it made me want to eat!
The question that comes up now is why could I not resist after all the planning of not purchasing. Then they enter the house and it becomes all I want! This is one reason why I so badly wanted to be on the biggest loser..yes they bring in temptations for challenges but it isn't part of the household.  Candy corn and me= failure! I smelled and I tasted!
Then came another test. Chips. I don't buy chips. I buy wheat thins, triscuts and raw nuts like almonds and walnuts and make hot air popcorn when I have the munchies. My husband, he bought chips! I like chips that is why I don't buy them! I came home one night after working at an exciting, sold out, crazy busy ReAL soccer game with them beating Cruz Azul- Mexico!  It was 10:30pm and I had not eaten since 3pm and I was hungry, wired with nervous energy, excited about the Team and all their accomplishments so far the year and on the prowl for food. On the table sits a bowl of apples and pears yet I begin to open cupboards. What is this I see up on the unreachable shelf? Doritos! I love Doritos!  I close the cupboard trying to avoid them and open other food storage places in the house and I go back open the chip cupboard again and close it again. My brain is now so focused on the chips, nothing else will do. I reason with myself "you have not had these cheesy wondrous triangles in a long long time"..numerous months, maybe possibly close to a year. I get a cereal bowl down and pour me some. Yummy, yummy crunchy munchie goodness. Even though I failed this test I see one good thing in this process, I got a small bowl and portioned it out. Usually I eat straight out of the bag and have no idea how much I have eaten till I think whoa I better save some for someone else. Or ask someone to move them aways from me! I saw and I tasted and it was good and yet it was bad, very bad! Fail!
 On to the very next day and I am not sure why I did not follow my same logic as the night before, but I make a turkey sandwich reached up in the cupboard and grabbed a can of pringles. I sit down at the computer to eat and facebook at the same time. Let me say eating at the computer has the same affect as eating while watching TV...you eat mindlessly and all of a sudden your snack is devoured, you have eaten the whole can of pringles! I have eaten the whole can of pringles! UgH! I tasted and tasted and tasted, I don't think I saw them or smelled them, just tasted.  I am not sure why this happened as I was on the computer the night I ate the Doritos. I like Doritos way better than pringles. Why did I not chow down on the chip I like more? It was the difference of pouring some into a bowl vs. having the whole package in front of me. So why did I not use that logic? I am guessing because they are thin little crisps and I don't like them very much so I guess my thinking was I might not eat very many so no controlling measures needed. Wrong! And why do I have to have chips with a sandwich anyway? There are so many other options I have used! On this day it was because they were there I saw them and reacted to the past, chips go with sandwiches.
The other thing I have had to face is ice cream. My husband brings home ice cream alot. For the most part I can resist but it also depends on the flavor. I have had ice cream several times in the last week +. He knows what I am trying to do...lose weight and get healthier yet he still asks if I want some when he is dishing himself out a bowl. When I do give in to the temptation I ask him to serve only 5-7 bites worth so I get a very small taste. I need to stop that! He needs to stop buying these things and tempting me with them. I need to learn that, I doubt he will change so I have too somehow move past the choices and pick what will be of nutritional value for me. It is hard! I see and I taste!
 To add to the poor choices this last 8 days I have not turned on my Wii even once. I have not done an actual workout. Well, I have done some things that burn calories and build muscles, but not a typical workout. I have spent a couple days for 2-4 hours on each day, trimming bushes and tree limbs, raking and bending over cleaning up the messes I have made from such chores. I have deep cleaned a couple rooms in the house and reorganized my pantry. I did get my heart rate up doing most of these activities and my body did hurt when completed so I have not been sitting still. But have been scared to death to get on the scale. At first I was going to skip it all together knowing I have had a bad almost 2 weeks. But then I thought, I need the accountability and need to be honest as this is what this blogging is about for me. It helps me see myself and helps others struggling with the same issues I am facing, so I have posted it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I am happy. Even though it still went up instead of down, I am happy because I seriously thought it was going to be really bad and make me cry. I have hope and have stayed below my 300 that took so long to hit. I can learn and get back on track!
 I wish the sights, smells and taste of food wasn't so enticing, did not trigger sensors in my brain to desire what I try to resist. I also wish my husband understood what he does to me by bringing in the tempting foods into the house. Even if I could say no each and every time it still should not be there! He does not have a weight problem and even still, they are not healthy for him either.
 My daughter recently bought a book for me that I just started reading this week, I am only on page 50, but it is titled " The end of overeating" by David Kessler MD. So far I am understanding some of the reasons I don't have all the control I desire out of myself and hope to learn enough to take better action. It is explaining so far how sugar, salt and fat play to our brain sensors for reward and pleasure. Sounds like me for sure! I don't get why this has to be so hard, this making wise eating choices deal! I have plenty healthy options in the house, but I still select the wrong items. (Not every time, but why even sometimes)  I have more to learn, more to conquer, more to understand, more adapting to a new way of living. The sights, smells and tastes are always going to be there, I need to learn not to do so much tasting when I smell and see the things I try to avoid. Food is like a drug, it gives us a momentary satisfaction, a feel good moment. I have to remember this statement and I am not sure if I thought this on my own trying to encourage someone else or I read it first, but I have used it a couple times in conversation with people trying to lose weight vs the exercise we attempt. "Eating brings us temporary pleasure, but we fill miserable when done, exercise makes us temporarily miserable, but we feel great pleasure when we are done" I need to put this on my fridge!
 I know I feel more energy and more mental clarity when I exercise yet food has a better grip on me for it''s pleasures. I am not giving up and will keep learning and applying what I learn. I know I can get to the place where this will reverse and exercise will be a joy. I have been getting close to being excited to go do a workout. I am getting there it was just an awful week with to many temptations.
Before I sign off I have this one more thing to say; if anyone in your household is trying to lose weight and you are not, it still is not very supportive of you to bring home things that would be a temptation to your friend or family member. No matter how much you enjoy those things yourself they really aren't good for you either. We all can be strong in words saying it won't be a problem, but deep down it is a problem. Our brains focus on that bad item even when we aren't even looking at it we know it is there. Don't bring it in the house! Find another way to enjoy life, a walk, be creative, listen to music anything that takes pleasure focuses away from food. The holidays are approaching and we all have traditional dishes and activities that just happen, because that is what we have always done it is called tradition. I am going to try to change things up and start a healthy new tradition. The sights, smells and tastes will be all around us, do you have a plan to avoid some of the unhealthy traditions and start something new? Do it for you and your family! Activities bring memories even more than food can! I think after these last couple weeks I am going to make a daily meal plan at the start of each day. It may help me avoid searching out what may be lurking in the cupboards.  The sights, smells and tastes will not consume me!