Abolished Fears

I have to admit I have been very afraid to weigh in after all the holidays, because if you notice last years weight gain (12lbs) through the holidays I was nervous and wondered what kind of damage I had done to myself this year. I wondered if all the chocolate I had eaten this year did it's damage. I wondered if I was going to have a set back again. I also struggled with the fact that my clothes seem to still be fitting loser and wondered if it was my imagination, was I fooling myself ...because I really did eat lots of chocolate! I also wondered about the miserableness I felt in the beginning of January was a result of weight gain. I was lethargic, depressed and so not motivated! Food was affecting my brain and body. The body truly is amazing how it reacts to what we put in it and I was feeling the effects. I was scared. I had lost focus and did not want to start over again after all prior to fall I had lost enough to feel like I was finally making progress. My fear was that with my daughters wedding coming up in July I was possibly facing a set back in my weight loss.
As the fall into winter season came upon me I did have some things in which I changed and was proud of the changes, mostly in the food areas of my life. I did eat much less than this season has to offer ( except for chocolate). At Halloween, I did not buy any candy to fill my holiday candy holders. I use candy as cheap holiday decor as it fills my glass pumpkin jars with color as they sit about the house. I told my daughter it looked so bare, missing the color, but happy it was not there for nibbling. Thanksgiving, I made my pumpkin pie with coconut milk and removed about 120 calories per slice and it was the best! I will make it like that every year in the future. I held to one helping and eliminated the bread/rolls as I told my family, I would rather have calories that were true holiday foods, not everyday bread.
Late November I went in for our yearly health screening for insurance and I was rather excited as my numbers were even better than last years! Last years numbers are listed first.
Nov 2010 Blood Pressure mine was 129/88 ~ for Nov 2011 BP is 120/70                                 
Nov 2010 Blood Glucose- mine was 106 ~ for Nov 2011 BG is 99
Nov 2010 LDL Cholesterol - mine was 127 ~ for Nov 2011 LDL is 118
                                    ( my #'s for TC ~184 / HDL 42 & TRG 118)! Great huh!
To say the least I got our maximum health benefit which is $450 on the health card! I was excited about that to see improvements in that area as well!
Then Christmas hit... and it was an exciting time for me as it is the first in four years all the kids were home! I miss them bunches. I did good though ( except for chocolate) eating one helping and eating mostly healthy and lower calories for most meals throughout the month. I also did not make all the dips I usually make for dipping veggies and chips. I usually make 4 different dips and when they are gone I make another batch. I did make spinach dip and onion dip and only one batch and I hardly ate any of it! One thing I have been able to remove from my diet is mayonnaise. I was a mayo spreader like it was frosting on a cake. I have eaten lots of fruit! Drank coconut milk eggnog instead of the kind laden with fat and cholesterol. It was "So Delicious" brand and soooooo very delicious indeed! Even though I was not exercising and barely  concentrating on what I ate, I did not gain, but 2oz...NO Poundage! I know it has been 3 months, don't get me wrong, because I know if I would have stayed better focused I could have lost possibly 20-30 lbs. I am truely happy at this point that I did not gain! Now that I have faced the fear of the scale and see it is where I left off I am ready to get moving again. I also just realized that the changes I have made in eating has become a natural part of me otherwise I would have gained many pounds back.  I do have more changes, but I am getting there!
So, I weighed myself this morning finally committing to facing the facts and moving forward, I jumped on my Wii and did the weigh in! Did I mention I did not gain, well 2 oz and I felt relief! I almost cried, but did a big smile instead and said yeah! I can do this! How I feel in my clothes is real and I feel motivated instead of discouraged.
Ok, I can move forward. I talked with someone a couple weeks ago to have an accountability partner and she agreed to help! Now on to some goal setting and moving forward...after all there is a wedding this year in which I am the mother of the bride! Ready set go!

The Mind Set is Changing

Yesterday my daughter posted something that made me laugh and has carried over into today, because I made it sound like something other than what it actually meant. The quote was "A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live" unknown. I made a joke and said I must be living the dream because I am huge. I thought it was funny, but then I thought more seriously about the quote. I am big, but not living my dreams and in order to live life with anything I dream about,  I need to get smaller. I am gradually living more and more. Mostly being outside and enjoying nature. Shrinking in size is giving me more confidence, so I can live some of my dreams.
My younger daughter and I have gone on a few hikes. We keep going back to the same place, because we have yet to do the whole hike. We either run out of time or the weather changes on us. I also suggested we  go to this spot until we get the full couple hikes completed as there are two upper lakes, then move on to a new location. In the spring we went and encountered to much snow and very wet mud and it looked like rain was moving in as we got close to one of the upper lakes. We made a fall run up too Silver Lake, but we got there to late to get it done before sundown or the chill as we did not prepare for cooler weather, so we just walked around the lower lake. It was beautiful! It was so quiet that day too, we saw a moose!

It was such a beautiful fall late afternoon. It was a week day and my daughter had the day off from school. I liked being up there with fewer people, it was quiet and peaceful. There was a couple times I just wanted to sit and take in the splendor, so we did. Each turn was magical in its own way with color changes and the lake was very calm with some great reflections happening! When we saw the moose it was very cool because my daughter mentioned when we first got there that her friends always see a moose and as many times we have been there we never have. I guess the quietness helped bring her out in the open. It was also kind of scary for a few minutes, because she was sitting in the shrub hiding from the sun, but as we approached she got up and started heading in our direction. I was very nervous because her ears were back and there have been enough reports of moose attacks around our area that I paid attention to her signals. She was not completely comfortable, so we backed up slowly and quietly out of her space. She relaxed and moved on and then I was able to take some pics.

The situation made me think about my health issues with the weight and not feeling very able to take care of myself in tough situations. The first time I really encountered that emotion was scuba diving. I realized I was not very capable of handling a few things if a situation occurred and I was putting myself in danger and my dive buddy (husband) in danger. I developed anxiety trying to deal with that and decided I better not scuba anymore at least until I get a handle on my weight. These same emotions came up on this day when fear set in with the moose not being comfortable with our presence. This time though, I knew what to do and felt capable of the actions I needed to do and my thought processes did not give me a sense of inability. I must be getting a stronger mentality, at least to know I can do more than I used to think I could. 

One day I took my daughter and friends downtown for the Taylor Swift concert and I had no anxiety like I used to in the past, wondering how far I may have to walk. I used to not do things, because my body would be so tired and slow. I had quit doing things to avoid realizing how badly out of shape I was. I guess I was not ready to make changes and did not want to be faced with how bad things had gotten. Instead I quit living life. I used to get tired just walking a couple blocks and now I have no fear or worries about distance. I remember the first time we went to Silver Lake and how much anxiety I had about being able to make it all the way around. Now it is a breeze and easy, it is now a stroll instead of a hike. I am considering snow shoeing it this winter with all my kids for Christmas! It has been 3 years since everyone was able to be home for Christmas and I want to do something fun!

Today I weighed in again and was so excited! I dropped another 7.5 lbs since last weigh in! As I was typing I remembered one of the things I wanted to do this summer, but was to heavy. One day Dixie and I went up to Snowbird for a quick get out of the valley moment. When we got up there we saw the zip line and other things set up for summer fun. I have always wanted to ride a zip line and so I looked up what kind of weight restrictions there might be. I was over, but not far away as the weight limit is 280. I am so close! Next summer when they get those set up again, I will do the zip line! Probably the one at Park City though as it is a longer zip! I will fill safer too because by the time summer comes along I won't be right at the cut off weight.

 I can see my mind set changing about my approach to life! I am capable of doing more and more and I am so excited for the future!

Red Light Green Light

Over the last week I had some "You go girl moments" in which the mind set is shifting back to healthy eating. Several times this week while on my way home from work I wanted to stop and get food on my way home and I took the time to think about what I was about to do and did not do it (getting a burger or taco) and went home and ate something healthier like yogurt or cottage cheese with tomatoes. It really is a mind game for me. One night I worked till 1am and was very tempted to stop somewhere on my way home to get something, anything. As I was leaving my job site walking to my car I noticed a couple fast food places still open and thought, "I might just stop and grab a burger". I got in my car and said "no, don't do it", go home and eat some grapes or something, so I pulled away. On my way home getting closer to home (not even 3 miles later ugh ) is a 24 hrs a day taco place and I love tacos. I was thinking about stopping. See how quickly my mind lost the "no don't do it" to, "oh a taco sounds wonderful". Sitting across the street at the stop light, my mind went crazy with wanting a taco.  I am glad the light stayed red for awhile as there was no traffic and seemed like it was ridiculously slow at changing green for me, but that time saved me from myself. I was able to say " NO, Don't Do it!"  I will never get to my goals with the following mind set, thinking that I have been good this week and I missed eating some dinner tonight so I can have this. As I sat there at the red light thinking this,  I also came up with the thought, it is late and you are going to bed in the hour so there is no time to even digest, save your money and go home! As the light changed to green I was able with great pride to keep driving and go home! I truely felt great!
I really struggle with this environment...driving. You may think it is funny to call driving an environment, but for me it is. Driving becomes my mindless eating, not even hungry 90% of the time. The grilling smells of restaurants and even just driving by an In and Out or Chick Filet saying "oh man that sounds really good" plus,  I am by myself.  In the past being by myself I used it as my treat to stop and get a burger/chicken or taco. I know, not really a so called treat, huh? I think I have said this, but I love tacos!
I also went to a wedding this week and was so proud as I ate fresh fruit and a couple shrimp and a stuffed mushroom and a 1" ball that was like a tiny chicken cordon bleu thing and water! Oh and a chocolate covered strawberry! Yummy! No cake, No minature e'clairs  No seconds! I focused on chatting with people I have not seen in awhile and it was fun.
Meatless Monday came around and I made another wonderful new meatless meal! So good and full of veggies from the garden!
This week, I learned I can talk my way out of what my mind is trying to tell me and get my brain to shift gears to get it to tell me something else, something better, to be proud of the decisions I make. Now, I just need more stop lights to stay red for me a little longer to really think through my choices before the bad behavior takes control. A red light saved me from some calories and disappointment this week. Going through this week trying to get back on track I realize I have the ability to see, it is all in the mind. I can go down the road some day and have all green lights, for now I am thankful for the red lights!

Meatless Monday smells like Mexico

Getting back on track with changes in regards to my health has to start somewhere and Monday is a good day to focus. Monday's a few months past, I had started having Meatless Monday's for my meal planning. Over the summer meatless Monday's slowly dissipated. I loved Monday's because it forced me to learn some new recipes. Yesterday, I got back on that and I made some homemade pinto-re-fry style beans. I had always heard how much better and healthier it was to make your own and came up with a recipe earlier this year and I will never buy canned re-fried beans again! I made burritos with the beans, whole wheat tortillas,cheese and salsa and they were so very good! It has been quit a few months since I made them and Monday being a new start to focus on changes I made them again! I made a double batch so I would have left overs for some lunches too. Mexican food is one of my favorites and when my daughter came home from school and she opened the door, she said with great enthusiasm, "oh my gosh it smells so good, it smells like Mexico"! ( LOL, she has never been to Mexico - maybe she meant a Mexican restaurant).
My daughters above comment made me so happy, made me smile and be very pleased with my efforts. Then I thought; why do compliments regarding food make me/us so happy? Why do we try to please others and ourselves with food? I know we need food for nutrition and health, but the previous questions do not have anything really to do with why we need food. I enjoy cooking and getting compliments from what I have created. I know that since the beginning of time food has always been served at gatherings and I am probably being to hard on myself with that question. I guess I am trying to change how I think about food and not make it such a focus for me.
Yesterday, I also received a text from my daughter : "Have you exercised yet"?  I replied with the fact that I was cooking something for dinner that takes awhile to cook and I would after I got it going. I never did and had to admit that when she asked me again later. Sigh, I really need to make exercise a priority if I am ever going to make some additional progress in my weight loss efforts. I got the meal focus back in my head, now to get the workouts in. One day at a time, right? Today I am at home and set my focus on getting some yard work done and getting some fall decorations up. I need to get in a workout too and start making it part of my daily routine again. I will report back later when my day has come to a close. Are you able to make your workouts a priority in your day? I seem to go in waves and wish it was more like the mentality of, you shower and brush your teeth everyday, so why can't you make a workout part of everyday too? I am off to get the yard work done and will post how the rest of the day went later. Have a healthy day!

Living Life Conveniently is not Worth the Calories

There are times that everything you are doing right just fizzles down the drain. Labor day weekend was one of those times for me. My son came into town with his girlfriend and another friend. Which was awesome!

I made a hot breakfast for them when they arrived with all the fatty breakfast meats...so good, I love sausage and bacon, along with scrambled eggs. I also made some blueberry muffins and cran-orange muffins from a box. I also made cookies from a box, because it was cheaper than the bag of chocolate chips...yes, scratch is way better!. I have always made cookies from scratch so needless to say, box cookies are not that great. You would think with them not being all that great it would prevent me from wanting them, but no, I ate them anyway. In the past when I wanted something like that, it had to be the most fabulous cookie, chocolate or whatever so the calories were worth it and helped with a craving. Not all chocolates are created equal!  For some reason this Labor Day weekend, I did not think along those lines. I ate without a second thought to calories or fat. I also failed at dinner. We had a fire up one of the canyons and roasted hot dogs over it. Made and ate some homemade potato salad along with some potato chips, oh and s'mores. I also opted for juice (calories) instead of my usual water (no calories).It was all delicious, but not much in the healthy categories. Convenient foods seem to make life easy, but they are generally not healthy.  We did have some cantaloupe and I might add the best cantaloupe I have had in a few years!
When the weekend was over and my son left, I was like "whoa, what just happened"?

I realized a few things looking back at this; 1) I did what was easy and fun for the moment 2) convenience isn't all it is cracked up to be 3) one needs a plan to face these tough situations The good notes that came through this weekend, first the company was wonderful and it was so great to see my son and meet his friends! Totally enjoyed having him around even if it was very short lived! I  feel good when I am outside in the mountains. Looking for a picnic spot, I jumped at the chance to go scout out a place as it being Labor Day, all the places were very packed! I would have never done that in the past. In the past I was afraid of being to slow and breathing to hard even on a short walk.I would have saved my energy for the moment we actually had a spot to unload too. I was not afraid anymore, I just popped out of the car and did a quick walk thru at one of the sites! I am accepting the fact that quick in prompt too events are ok as long as I get back on track immediately following them.

Sometimes the occasion just calls for hot dogs, chips and s'mores and I need to allow that once in awhile, hot dogs on an open fire are the best!  I will never buy cookie mix anymore and do them from scratch instead! Muffins are ok from a box.
Convenient living is partially what got me to my fat zone and this weekend was a great reminder it isn't all it is cracked up to be. I like the time it takes to cook, smart and healthy and it is always delicious, plus I feel so gourmet chef when I cook from scratch. I am back on track and learned somethings along the way. I have also learned that I seriously need to make many more visits up the canyon! Hike, picnic, fire pits hang out  chatting with people I love, taking in the fresh air and the beauty of creation! It was a great weekend after all said and done, because the best parts have nothing to do with the food, it is the people we spend time with!

Figuring out my Blog, not my figure

I have been very slack once again and I tend to over think things with many things in my life, so I apollogize.

I have a friend who writes a blog http://myfoodnfitnessdiaries.com/and she was struggling with the name of it awhile back and kept renaming it, which made me start thinking about my Blog title. I have a hard time spelling Metamorphosis, it is not a word one uses very often. I thought I would try and come up with something new and wrote a bunch down to ponder for awhile. I was running them by a couple of my peeps and some gave me new ideas, but the suggestions strayed from the point and why I am writing it. When I looked up the meanings again, I decided with a boost from my daughter Daffney that it is named perfect for what I am doing, so it remains as is!
I have also struggled with what to write as I don't want things to be repetitive from past blog posts. My friend listed above with the blog asked me why I don't write more and I explained that I feel like I have expressed most of these emotions in my blogs before and did not want to repeat. She suggested I not worry about it and just share what my day was like facing different struggles and sucesses. Like I said I have a tendancy to over think things and realized I can make changes as I go, after all I am in a metamorphosis so I will be writing more even if it hits on something I have expressed before.
I was told by a couple people that sometimes my blog is too long and when they open it to read they sometimes do not have time to read it, so I am trying to shorten them. I have felt that way about a few I like to follow and I think I will get back to it when I have time to read it, sometimes I do and other times I forget. So I will try and make them shorter. (Not all ,because I do like to ramble sometimes.)
On a note about my health, I feel my clothes getting bigger on me! Some blouses I can actually button in the front and not leave open with a layered shirt. My shorts and pants I can pull down without unzipping or unbuttoning them. I hope no one tries to yank them now, that would be a total embarrasement! I will try and get some help to do some measurements to compare and post that soon. I need new clothes badly, but have such a long ways to go, so my question is at what point do you get new clothes when you know you have so much more weight to lose? I do not have money to spend every few months, so any suggestions? My next blog will be more about my health and less about my blog...LOL

Encouragement hit me today!

I have not weighed in for awhile mainly, because I have not felt like I have been doing enough to make this happen. One other reason is the Tuesday weigh in deal was not working for my daughter and I so we were going to go with Sundays,which we will get into action this next Sunday. So far it seems we keep forgetting till late into the day and no one wants to weigh in at night, right? Not me, you always weigh more at night than the earlier part of the day!
Today, we both remembered we need to get back on this and set up a routine.On our way down stairs to weigh in I was feeling like I was going to let her and myself down when I weighed in so I was dreading this. Dixie works hard at trying to keep me focused. I call her sometimes on my way home from work and ask her if she wants anything, a meal, a treat, anything to give me an excuse to stop for myself. She has been great at saying "mom, I am good, plus you want to save some money and lose weight right, so just come home and we can snack on something here". I am thankful to God each time she says such things, because I pray to Him to help me stay focused on treating my body with respect and the health that he has given me and focus better on my finances.
I have also not been exercising like I want to, mainly due to my new job. I am not enjoying it at all and looking again. I am drained and frustrated when I get home. Anxiety is triggering again, because of this job. I have no contact with people or feel like a part of a team or anything. The environment is lonely and frustrating. One plus to this job is I stand the whole time and bend and squat and lift boxes, so I get some activity out of it!
This week I am helping at our church Mega Sports Camp/ VBS and  Mondays word  for the day was "Change". It made me start thinking of what do I need to change in my life to live life better than I have been? I know there is much to change so I am dwelling on this thought and really trying to focus on what changes need to be made.
Tuesday the word for the day was "Endurance". I need endurance to complete this because it will be a long road. I was telling my daughter that I feel bad for people who do not have hope for the future.When things are tough or discouraging many people just settle for where they are and that is the way it will always be. This saddens me because Hope seems to be the thing that can keep me going. I know if I keep trying even after I fail I will get there. I know God will help me get there.  I am anxious to learn about the rest of the weeks words of the day as they are encouraging me on my journey.
God put my little Dixie here to help me and remind me of what I need to do. Last week we went on a hike! I am so happy she is willing to do things with me! We trekked through snow and mud and hills and I did it! It was not over whelming, nor did I wonder if I could do it. What I have learned in the past year is that I can do it, I just need to get out there and do it! We hiked about 2 1/2 miles and it was good!
In the mean time, I weighed in today. I have finally dropped below the 290 mark! I know this was suppose to be hit mid June, but I keep pressing on even when I do not hit my original goals. I can still achieve and set new goals!  I am enduring and hoping for the future. Finishing my race so to speak even if I do it at a turtle speed. I have been encouraged in so many ways the last 2 weeks and it hit me with a nice surprise today, weight loss! Your getting there Lisa one step at a time!