What is my GPS?

Oh my, what a week I have had since my last blog. I had so much to think about after my last posting. I have had a hard time wrapping my head around what do I do next. After all, my dream seems to keep crashing and I needed to clarify the answer as to why. Why do I so willingly take the first step yet never complete the climb? Why do I lose focus of a dream I have had for so long, to just turn around and keep starting over again and again?

I thought about the title to my blog; Logistics = supplying, equipping and moving. I picked this word because of its meaning and I realized that I am not applying it. I have figured out that I need a map. I don't want to get off track anymore. It is hard to keep gearing up and set forth at the beginning of the familiar trail and never reaching the top. Almost feels like the movie "Ground Hog Day" I keep repeating and starting over.
I have always had a good sense of direction. If I am not sure how to get somewhere, all I generally need is a quick glimpse of the map. I have never really needed great details to get where I was headed. I have driven across country a few times and other destinations and it is easy for me, so who needs a map; not me.
I am learning that in this case (losing weight), it isn't easy for me and I need that map! The concept of losing weight seems easy enough , eat right and exercise, a no brainer right? Apparently it is more complex than that, at least for me. If I am not succeeding in this endeavor I need to do something different. I can't keep repeating what isn't working.
I faced some things this week. One, I have been afraid of this journey, but not understood what I was so afraid of. I figured out that my fears are not about losing the weight, but what my life be like after I lose the weight. I have no idea what that life will be like. For some reason I haven't moved forward, because I don't have a clear and complete vision. I keep trying to invision it, but nothing.
Two, I don't seem to have strong, inspiring motivators in place to help me stay on the path. I realized my motivations are very vague, so I have reevaluated those.  One dream has been to travel, as many of us dream. To travel to far away lands seem to be out of reach for many of us, it is just a dream. Not impossible, but if I am lucky maybe it will happen. Maybe someday I will get the chance to go.This is the mind set many of us take towards our dreams. That is the approach to many of my dreams; just a thought, not something I am really working towards. The #1 place on this earth I have dreamed about seeing is the Fjords in Norway. I would love to take some sort of boat ride or cruise up one or more of these magnificent fjords. Hike across the tops looking downward. I sought out a few pictures this week to motivate me and will be alternating them on my computer wallpaper for a daily reminder. I have other dreams besides travel, but the beauty of Norway is very inspiring to me. Makes my heart long for something.

I find it interesting that when you start asking yourself questions and really seeking the answers, the answers seem to start appearing all around you. I read this quote this week which is actually an Irish Proverb: " You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind" This hit me in the face with a harsh slap! I need to stop mulling it over in my mind and write out a map. I have spent to much time just thinking about losing weight and not nearly enough time on the action. I am working on the map, the action plan to accomplish it. The weight loss part of this journey has things that are SMART= Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. I have been taught how to make specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely goals. I have failed in taking the time to write them out. For the above mentioned reason, I thought I needed to make goals that included the life that will follow the weight loss. The thing is this, those things that follow can't be put into the SMART formate of goals. It is the unknown. So I need to just map out the part I do know and take the actions that I can do today, a week at a time. God has a plan for the rest and I don't have to know what that is, I just have to trust him and do the part I am aware of
.

I read a blog a couple days ago that was written by a girl I have recently met. Her life, her words totally inspired me to weeping tears. They fit so much with my struggle and have helped me better understand myself. To bring some answers to some of my questions. This young girl from Central Nebraska left everything and everyone she knows this week and flew to South Africa. She will be there for a year. She has been planning it for a while, but it came to fruition this last week and she has landed in South Africa! Why am I so amazed by this girl? What has inspired me? It is how she is following where God has led her. Not knowing exactly why, but trusting in him, living for Him, living a dream. Quoting Jordan Alexis Schroeder: "So here's to now. Here's to being lost in a whirlwind of confusion, here's to not having a map to life. Here's to having a dream, even if you don't know exactly what that dream is, here's to chasing your dreams, even if you don't have a path laid before you. Here's to the acceptance that sometimes you have to wave goodbye, not only to your home and to your safety net, but to yourself." She also stated in a little different wordage, "Here's to following God" . You have to read her whole blog because it is off the charts inspiring! http://jordanschroeder.blogspot.com/2011/01/heres-to-day-two.html

I learned something about myself with her words, I don't have to have the path laid out before me, because yeah...we don't have a map for life! It would be boring if we could see the whole thing and just follow along accomplishing the map with check marks. We have free will!  I learned that I have to step out of my safety net and this was probably the tear jerker of all, I have to say goodbye to not only what I know, but to myself. God is changing me and I need to let down that safety net and follow him. It is my Metamorphosis, it is what I want most, it is to be changed. Changed for Gods purpose, to be healthy and fit to accomplish what God wants of me...whatever that is, I don't know. I need to change the way I have been looking at things and put it into an action that I am not familiar with. Quoting Jordan, "God taught me something so important today! ... My thought process lately has been, "I am here, so what should I be doing? Who should I be?" But today God helped me realize that my thought process should actually be, "God is here, what is he doing? How can I join him? Who does he want me to become?".

Yes, I need a map for the weight loss and I am getting that figured out with some clarity. I do not want to live in fear of what life will be after that. I want to share that God is walking this step by step with me, he is the potter, I am the clay. He will shape me and mold me for this is what I pray. I will leave the future in Gods hands and take action on what I can do, today and tomorrow. I am ready for My Metamorphosis.

Thrown into the Mixing Bowl

The holidays have come and gone and I followed the same recipe I always have in the past and it is called "tradition". I am looking at my results and it is like a cookie cutter stamping out the same cookie over and over, the same Christmas as the year before and the year before that and so on.
Over the last couple years I have contemplated "what can I do, to change up Christmas" as it has kind of becoming a blur, because of the look a like copies of each year. The first thoughts of needed change have come with the fact my children are growing, moving to far away places and we all have jobs that seem to keep us apart on holidays. I have felt lonely and a need for change, but what? In this last year I have also added the thoughts regarding a healthier holiday. Just quick thoughts about needed change doesn't really get results. Even though I think about it, that cookie cutter just stamped out another Christmas without a new recipe.
I guess I should follow all the wisdom in magazine articles and set goals in writing, make an action plan, write a new recipe. When you want change, but fail to write a recipe you will get the same old cookie, because you will fall back on the recipe you already know all to well. I let that happen as I have yet to come up with an ingredient list and instructions as to how to make it happen.  Prep work is not exactly the fun part of anything, it is the results! I have to do the prep work for the results to be enjoyed. I think part of my problem is that I am not sure what the end results will be or exactly what I want them to be. I am afraid. I don't have the complete taste or hint of the spice that will be in the end result. I read a quote lately, "You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step" Dr MLK Jr  I feel like I keep taking that first step trying to attempt a new recipe, but then I go for what is easy and don't complete the rest of the staircase. I get out of breath, uncomfortable and stop and step back to what I know best, my comfortable place, the nice cookie cutter I use all the time. Possibly afraid of what is at the top. The not knowing, but I can't think of anything negative so why not, right?
I am a big lump of dough trying to figure out what I want to be. I easily let others shape me and mold me with requests of " oh your going to make ________ for Christmas, right? I love those!" or "We are having _______for" breakfast, dinner, Christmas eve whatever the traditional cookie cutter has produced in the past. I don't like to disappoint and what I have done is created tradition, a tradition that needs to be changed. I need to be the head chef and not only for me, but the whole family. Show them all a new recipe and that change is an adventure to be tasted. There will still be memories, new memories and not the same cookie year after year.
I have mentioned in a past blog that I don't really bake very much, but at Christmas all hell breaks loose in the kitchen and batches and batches of treats get made in a very short window of time. Why, because it is part of the tradition. In a 24 hr period I made 2 loaves of banana bread 1 w/ nuts 1 w/o nuts; 3 batches of  different types of cookies = 144 cookies; 3 batches of fudge  1 w/ nuts 1 w/o nuts and 1 peanut butter fudge = 60 pieces; 1 batch of scones = 16 pieces; and 2 types of dip for all the crackers and chips and it was devoured by mostly 3 people in a little over a week.  I did give a little of it away, but not much. All of the  ingredients I wanted to try and avoid, yet devoured, because I did not take the time to write out a new recipe.That lack of planning has resulted in extra dough on my body. I am back at the bottom of my mixing bowl wanting to rise to the top and be formed into something new.
This season I have grown to a new understanding of myself. My Christmas's are a reflection of the year. I keep picking the same cookie cutter, because it is easy to stamp out what I know. Basically this years results looks alot like I just got beat from one side of the bowl to another, rising and falling like a yeast dough. I went back to where I said I did not want to ever return...the temp of 300 +. In order for my results to change I need to venture out, write down a new ingredients list and the instructions to change the shape of my cookie. It is time to roll out the dough and do some prep work. I tried a few new things this last year. I had pinches of different seasonings and I liked it. I will add the new seasonings into my ingredients not by teaspoons full, but tablespoons and cups full and look for more ingredients so the formula results in the flavors I desire and want in my life. I will no longer be the cookie cutter, I am the chef! Head chef!  A new year and beyond with new flavors to behold...head Chef!
Whats cookin' in your life? any new ingredients? Lets all get out of the mixing bowl and become the chef, molding a new recipe for the year and years to come! Yes, Head Chef! Yes!

1 week 2 weeks 3 weeks 4

It has been over a month since my last confession...LOL well blog. And I don't want them to be confessions but inspirations. This last four weeks...... now a confession. I have failed myself in what I know to be true.
I do like exercise, (unlike many people). I like competing, challenging myself, the energy it gives, feeling stronger, healthier and yet I lost focus on these and failed to commit these last 4 weeks. I don't seem to be one of those people who can keep a habit going after I have implemented it 30+ days. You know that saying if you want to make some changes, make those changes for at least 30 days it becomes a part of you and a habit? Not me..sadly. I have even been making changes for more than 30 -60-90 days and still it is not a habit. I don't understand why when it is something I want. Some people say exercise is like brushing your teeth every day, it is part of a healthy routine, but not yet mine.Then I tell myself I must not want it bad enough, yet I shed tears about this and read about it and every morsel I eat I think about the consequences. I must want it, but I have given in and say, "tomorrow I will do better", and tomorrow comes and maybe one small thing in the day I was able to focus and make right, but no big force field of change.

Week 1~
I am so happy that my health screening had great healthy results. I decide I can take a small break, because I need to focus on finding a job. Online job searching takes so much time, I hate it! Sign up with different sites, apply, apply, apply, no responses. I did run twice this week just to get some cardio in and relieve my mind of the stress of finding a job. I still ate somewhat healthy, but my husband brought home something amazingly deliciously wrong for me and I ate and ate and then told him...never bring this into the house again. It was Sea salted caramel swirled vanilla bean ice cream..or something along that line. Salty, creamy sweetness..man that was good! Fail week 1

Week 2~
The weather has changed, I am cold! I actually sit and want nothing more that hot drinks, honey lemon tea, green tea, hot cider. I am bundled up, reading books and shopping on line for a job. Not moving much at all. One day I do say to myself, you would get warm if you go downstairs and exercise and I did, but just one day. My meals have changed too. Now that I am cold all the time, comfort foods, sauces, melted cheese on things and bread. I am not even drinking water, well maybe one glass of water a day...now it gives me chills to drink water. Just hot tea seems to be my liquid. I think to myself, it will be ok, it has only been two weeks, you are job searching and taking care of your family, you will be ok, 2 weeks of slacking can't have been to detrimental, just get back on track, it will all be good. Yet I am afraid to weigh myself, because I have not been doing what I set out to accomplish. Fail week 2

Week 3 ~
 I don't think about exercise at all this week. I think about food, because Thanksgiving is this week.  I am going to Laramie for thanksgiving. I get to see my daughter and we will make thanksgiving easy and simple. We did good, probably the lightest Thanksgiving dinner ever or at least in the last 16 years, but left overs...I had pumpkin pie for breakfast each morning, yes with whipped cream and coffee with peppermint mocha creamer and sugar. I had a couple glasses of wine each night while nibbling on chex mix. It was so cold and windy there,  3 degrees with wind chill of -8 that the walks we planned on doing, we did not do. I think I have cold air induced asthma. The one day it warmed up to 30, I had a headache and stayed in while the girls walked the dogs. I did drink a lot of water while there, mainly because of the dryness and trying to stay hydrated. I figure when I get home, now that thanksgiving is complete and done I can get back on track. I get home and my husband has bought a wonderful ham. 2 dinners and a couple ham and grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch later...I am for sure going to get busy on this weight loss plan! I have slacked long enough.Time has gotten away from me, 2 weeks passing isn't too bad, but now I am up to 3 weeks and starting to think I have lost control of my plan. I have eaten poorly and not exercising at all this week. Fail week 3

Week 4 ~
Yikes, what the heck is wrong with me that I have let this much time pass without getting back to it! OMG, I have to weigh myself and see what damage I have done, I am very afraid now. This week I have focused back towards what I eat and doing pretty good, not great. I have not exercised except for some leaf raking a few days. The snow is melting and the leaves underneath are so thick they will kill the grass if I don't get on that! I am being creative and making some Christmas presents, so I am spending about 4-5 hours a day on that this week. I am still cold, but drinking water more, but still hooked on hot tea. I am limiting the sugar I add in my tea slowly again as I had increased it lately as if my tea is a treat, tastes like a honey lemon drop. As I approached my art table yesterday, being it is downstairs sharing the room I work out in I decided to just deal with it and weigh myself. I had been thinking of prolonging writing for another week to see if I could make some attempts toward my goal and weigh in later so I would not have a possible jump in the weight, but I decided to be real with myself and you all, so the weight is posted. Week 4 fail

As you see, I try to reason with myself about why I have not made time for focusing on what I thought was my main goal. Making excuses really. Apparently I let things get in the way and lose focus easily. I have had a couple friends who have lost weight in the last couple months and it shows greatly on their body as they are much thinner. I am impressed! I am inspired again. Biggest Loser is ending and although this season did not seem to inspire me as much as in the past, I still sat and cried each week and this last week the final 4 ran the marathon. That always inspires me, because 12 weeks ago they could not even walk a mile. I can't imagine running a marathon. I am focused on accomplishing a 5k and feel I can achieve that if I can stay on track.  Inspiration has taken hold again. I will get back on track and push myself to be under 290 by the new year...how about that! K, now that I have stated that, I am nervous yet challenged to do so, yikes.
I know I put a fail after each week, but failure is not even trying and I am successful in the fact I am aware of what I have been doing or lack of doing. I am successful, because I am not giving up to attempt changing my life to a healthier one. I am successful, because I can admit my failures and learn and grow. I am successful, because I am changing. Today is a new day. 1 week 2 weeks 3 weeks 4, no matter how many weeks slip by there is always a new day to start a successful day, week, month, life.

The Inside Scoop

I have a blog titled "It is how we measure" that I've shared my experience and thoughts of how we measure our health and the most frequently asked question is "How much weight have you lost", which of course when trying to lose weight would be the question inquiring minds would want to know.  We all want to see that number decrease when losing weight, but I shared some of the other factors that improve while attempting the healthy changes; for instance endurance in cardio, balance and coordination, strength and happy endorphins. Today I have another measurement that goes along with the health campaigns to get America's obesity factors changed and get us to be a healthier country.
The numbers are about what is happening on the inside of the body and the question we have all heard over and over via TV shows like Biggest Loser or Dr. Oz  and even possibly your own Dr. The question " Do you know your numbers?" This question is familiar to us all and it is not about a math class, but our health! The know your numbers campaign is referring to; Blood Pressure, LDL Cholesterol, Blood Glucose and BMI ( body mass index) and some even measure the circumference of the body where your stomach is located.
Over the last few years, because of my weight I have been terrified to have these measured. People my size have these numbers shoot through the roof! When Dr.'s see these numbers they wonder how it is we are still alive. These numbers can be very scary and knowing them, at least for me could create added stress. For awhile I have wondered how it was that I was still alive. If walking up a small flight of stairs gets you winded..it can't be good. I knew I was in serious trouble.
There have been a few times over the last few years that I have been ill and went to the 24 hr care center..avoiding a real Dr. visit and on those occasions did have my blood pressure taken. Each time it was 150+/90 - ish and back in the day when I was healthier my number was 120/70. Knowing this tidbit about my blood pressure was scary enough to encourage me to make changes.
 I have avoided the Dr. for many years. One reason is that I know I am over weight, I know I have not eaten a healthy diet. I was a drive thru junk food addict hitting the drive thru several times a week. I know my numbers had to be off the charts! I know I have abused my bodies health and was afraid of walking! I was afraid of getting out of breath, building up pressure and having a heart attack! I had gotten afraid to live even a simple life out of fear of sudden death. One other reason for avoiding the Dr. is my lack of respect for the way many Dr's practice medicine. It is a what are your symptoms, here is a pill  method vs. here are your symptoms lets find out why and see what changes you can make to alleviate the symptoms. Then you add all the warnings associated with pills these days and risk factors I did not want to be handed a pill. I will avoid the pills thank you very much and get busy!
I have watched and read  many health related issues so I knew what I needed to do in order to change the direction of my health.  I'd rather exercise and learn to eat right than take a bunch of pills/chemicals with side effects. Good nutrition and exercise will get rid of plenty of my symptoms! Watching the Biggest Loser and Dr. Oz , I have seen that by applying exercise and eating right that within 3-6 weeks people are off of the med's they were taking for blood pressure, diabetes and lowering cholesterol. They are still heavy so losing weight is not the only factor to changing these "know your number" numbers! That was encouraging, because it takes along time to drop the weight (BMI) number. They have added years to their lives with eating right and exercising and saving lots of money by getting off of the med's!  This is fantastic news! This is encouraging!
 Knowing this information helped me realize I can make some drastic changes in my health even when the weight loss is a slow process. I am changing the inside faster than the visual outside parts of me! Yesterday, I had to go in for a health screening for our health insurance We will get money put onto our health insurance savings card if we meet at least one of the four target goals set up by the insurance company. 1 target met = $150, 2 targets met = $300 and 3 targets met = $450 and that is the max so 3 out of the 4 will give you the maximum $'s.  I was scared yet with all the changes I have made thought it might not be to bad. I have been applying these changes for a couple years and even more so in the last 3 months. The targets for the insurance were slightly different than the National Institute of Health numbers so I am going to list those two numbers along with my numbers for you. My husband works for Kroger so that will be the K, NIH for the National Inst of Health and of course my number which will be my name. Here goes, drum roll please:
Blood Pressure-NIH = 120/70 ~ K = 140/90 ~ Lisa = 129/88 ~  target 1 met =$150
Blood Glucose- NIH = 100 ~ K= 125 ~ Lisa = 106 ~  target 2 met =$300
LDL Cholesterol - NIH = 100 ~ K= 160 ~ Lisa = 127 ~  target 3 met = $450
even my other cholesterol factors were all in the healthy numbers! Since I met 3 out of 4 I did not have to get weighed and measured for the BMI, besides I know those numbers! Wii Fit Plus gives me that # when I weigh in each week. It is dropping so eventually I will get that met, but for an FYI for those of you watching your BMI numbers NIH = 25 and K insurance wanted a BMI of 29. I think my last BMI on Wii was 50.03 yikes, but you know my weight now, so that would be expected. Not afraid to go there anymore with all of you.
So there it is! The inside scoop! My work is paying off and I have reaped other rewards for my changes! The number associated with weight is still moving slowly, but the inside numbers tell me this is all worth it!

Get busy y'all and add numbers of years to your life! Make the insides as healthy as you can and in the process the number that affects how we see each other on the outside will start dropping too. That is my inside scoop!

The Sight, The Smell & The Taste

I have a high brain function, but it seems to be geared to the pleasure of food. I sometimes feel like a mouse in a lab experiment searching through the maze for the most appealing taste bud stimuli...what looks good, smells good and will taste good? No matter what I have in the house that is healthy I still search to see if there is something better. Better is not always best, just seems so to the tongue.
Everyone has seen and read in countless bits of advice when trying to make healthy changes, to clean your cabinets, fridge, pantry of any unhealthy choices. The unhealthy items will win the battle of decisions no matter how hard you try and say no, they call out your name, you know they are there. I have just experienced this first hand, the reasons to remove them! I have done a pretty good job of not even having them in the house and left on my own devices would remain successful. Like most people out there, I do not live alone. I have a husband who has the ability to purchase and bring home groceries. My husband is a treat-o-holic. He was raised with a mom who made numerous treats, multiple cakes and cookies in one weekend to prepare for Sunday gatherings and the week ahead. Before I met him and he was a kid I am sure she did this for the kids (6) for after school snacks and school lunches. I don't bake and it is a rare occasion when I do. Since I don't make treats instead he buys them, brings them home. He sticks them up high in the cupboard out of my reach basically, but I know they are there, I can use a kitchen utensil and knock them down. I don't find his purchasing very supportive of my efforts. I will search the cupboards to see what my options are. I can resist sometimes, but not always. If it isn't in the house I won't select it right?! He does not understand what he puts me through.
 The beginning of October I decorated for fall. I love fall! It is the season that most inspires my creativity and I seem to get alot of energy from that creative thinking. Anyway, I have a few clear glass candy dish pumpkins that I tend to buy Halloween colored M&M's and candy corn every year to add to the color of the fall displays...and nibble on. It is tradition! This year I thought about buying such items, but opted out and decided I can live with them empty. If it isn't here I won't be tempted to eat, so I didn't. After a couple weeks of the candy dishes sitting empty, what does my husband do? He decides to bring home some candy corn! Ugh!  I think to myself, "I can do this no big deal, besides they really don't taste that great". It will look pretty and I will leave it alone and just take the approach of how pretty it will look sitting there in the candy dish. Well, I open the bag and that wonderful delightful smell of candy corn hits my nose! The aroma is wonderful! The freshest candy corn ever! Now I have seen, I have smelled, now I want a taste! I take just a few and it is wonderful! The aroma matches the taste! As the evening progresses the smell is so delightful I keep taking a few here and there as I make dinner. In the next 24 hours I decide I can not handle just a few of these little morsels so I dump a large handful in my hand. I gobble them down and realize I am now miserable. The taste no longer matched the smell, because they still smelled amazing! As I sit miserable, I have come to the conclusion that I really, really, really like the smell of candy corn more than I like the taste You know this candy corn is a popular scent for a candle and I know now I will never buy one because it made me want to eat!
The question that comes up now is why could I not resist after all the planning of not purchasing. Then they enter the house and it becomes all I want! This is one reason why I so badly wanted to be on the biggest loser..yes they bring in temptations for challenges but it isn't part of the household.  Candy corn and me= failure! I smelled and I tasted!
Then came another test. Chips. I don't buy chips. I buy wheat thins, triscuts and raw nuts like almonds and walnuts and make hot air popcorn when I have the munchies. My husband, he bought chips! I like chips that is why I don't buy them! I came home one night after working at an exciting, sold out, crazy busy ReAL soccer game with them beating Cruz Azul- Mexico!  It was 10:30pm and I had not eaten since 3pm and I was hungry, wired with nervous energy, excited about the Team and all their accomplishments so far the year and on the prowl for food. On the table sits a bowl of apples and pears yet I begin to open cupboards. What is this I see up on the unreachable shelf? Doritos! I love Doritos!  I close the cupboard trying to avoid them and open other food storage places in the house and I go back open the chip cupboard again and close it again. My brain is now so focused on the chips, nothing else will do. I reason with myself "you have not had these cheesy wondrous triangles in a long long time"..numerous months, maybe possibly close to a year. I get a cereal bowl down and pour me some. Yummy, yummy crunchy munchie goodness. Even though I failed this test I see one good thing in this process, I got a small bowl and portioned it out. Usually I eat straight out of the bag and have no idea how much I have eaten till I think whoa I better save some for someone else. Or ask someone to move them aways from me! I saw and I tasted and it was good and yet it was bad, very bad! Fail!
 On to the very next day and I am not sure why I did not follow my same logic as the night before, but I make a turkey sandwich reached up in the cupboard and grabbed a can of pringles. I sit down at the computer to eat and facebook at the same time. Let me say eating at the computer has the same affect as eating while watching TV...you eat mindlessly and all of a sudden your snack is devoured, you have eaten the whole can of pringles! I have eaten the whole can of pringles! UgH! I tasted and tasted and tasted, I don't think I saw them or smelled them, just tasted.  I am not sure why this happened as I was on the computer the night I ate the Doritos. I like Doritos way better than pringles. Why did I not chow down on the chip I like more? It was the difference of pouring some into a bowl vs. having the whole package in front of me. So why did I not use that logic? I am guessing because they are thin little crisps and I don't like them very much so I guess my thinking was I might not eat very many so no controlling measures needed. Wrong! And why do I have to have chips with a sandwich anyway? There are so many other options I have used! On this day it was because they were there I saw them and reacted to the past, chips go with sandwiches.
The other thing I have had to face is ice cream. My husband brings home ice cream alot. For the most part I can resist but it also depends on the flavor. I have had ice cream several times in the last week +. He knows what I am trying to do...lose weight and get healthier yet he still asks if I want some when he is dishing himself out a bowl. When I do give in to the temptation I ask him to serve only 5-7 bites worth so I get a very small taste. I need to stop that! He needs to stop buying these things and tempting me with them. I need to learn that, I doubt he will change so I have too somehow move past the choices and pick what will be of nutritional value for me. It is hard! I see and I taste!
 To add to the poor choices this last 8 days I have not turned on my Wii even once. I have not done an actual workout. Well, I have done some things that burn calories and build muscles, but not a typical workout. I have spent a couple days for 2-4 hours on each day, trimming bushes and tree limbs, raking and bending over cleaning up the messes I have made from such chores. I have deep cleaned a couple rooms in the house and reorganized my pantry. I did get my heart rate up doing most of these activities and my body did hurt when completed so I have not been sitting still. But have been scared to death to get on the scale. At first I was going to skip it all together knowing I have had a bad almost 2 weeks. But then I thought, I need the accountability and need to be honest as this is what this blogging is about for me. It helps me see myself and helps others struggling with the same issues I am facing, so I have posted it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I am happy. Even though it still went up instead of down, I am happy because I seriously thought it was going to be really bad and make me cry. I have hope and have stayed below my 300 that took so long to hit. I can learn and get back on track!
 I wish the sights, smells and taste of food wasn't so enticing, did not trigger sensors in my brain to desire what I try to resist. I also wish my husband understood what he does to me by bringing in the tempting foods into the house. Even if I could say no each and every time it still should not be there! He does not have a weight problem and even still, they are not healthy for him either.
 My daughter recently bought a book for me that I just started reading this week, I am only on page 50, but it is titled " The end of overeating" by David Kessler MD. So far I am understanding some of the reasons I don't have all the control I desire out of myself and hope to learn enough to take better action. It is explaining so far how sugar, salt and fat play to our brain sensors for reward and pleasure. Sounds like me for sure! I don't get why this has to be so hard, this making wise eating choices deal! I have plenty healthy options in the house, but I still select the wrong items. (Not every time, but why even sometimes)  I have more to learn, more to conquer, more to understand, more adapting to a new way of living. The sights, smells and tastes are always going to be there, I need to learn not to do so much tasting when I smell and see the things I try to avoid. Food is like a drug, it gives us a momentary satisfaction, a feel good moment. I have to remember this statement and I am not sure if I thought this on my own trying to encourage someone else or I read it first, but I have used it a couple times in conversation with people trying to lose weight vs the exercise we attempt. "Eating brings us temporary pleasure, but we fill miserable when done, exercise makes us temporarily miserable, but we feel great pleasure when we are done" I need to put this on my fridge!
 I know I feel more energy and more mental clarity when I exercise yet food has a better grip on me for it''s pleasures. I am not giving up and will keep learning and applying what I learn. I know I can get to the place where this will reverse and exercise will be a joy. I have been getting close to being excited to go do a workout. I am getting there it was just an awful week with to many temptations.
Before I sign off I have this one more thing to say; if anyone in your household is trying to lose weight and you are not, it still is not very supportive of you to bring home things that would be a temptation to your friend or family member. No matter how much you enjoy those things yourself they really aren't good for you either. We all can be strong in words saying it won't be a problem, but deep down it is a problem. Our brains focus on that bad item even when we aren't even looking at it we know it is there. Don't bring it in the house! Find another way to enjoy life, a walk, be creative, listen to music anything that takes pleasure focuses away from food. The holidays are approaching and we all have traditional dishes and activities that just happen, because that is what we have always done it is called tradition. I am going to try to change things up and start a healthy new tradition. The sights, smells and tastes will be all around us, do you have a plan to avoid some of the unhealthy traditions and start something new? Do it for you and your family! Activities bring memories even more than food can! I think after these last couple weeks I am going to make a daily meal plan at the start of each day. It may help me avoid searching out what may be lurking in the cupboards.  The sights, smells and tastes will not consume me!

Can I get there from here by way of dancing?

I really don't get why this has to be so difficult for me. Why can't it be easier? I have the desire and think I have the knowledge. Am I being unrealistic? Do I have my hopes set to high? Do I really know what I am doing? I gained almost a pound back. I am doing a little dance. It is the step forward, step back dance. Sounds easy enough, but it is not the dance I want to be doing.
 There is a break dancing battle happening in this process of weight loss. It is a dual of positive and negative continuously happening in my brain. The up and down emotions are so very tiring. I go from an extreme with an energetic elated high to a defeated, what the hell, depressed low. I wish I could have a consecutive pattern, because with every week having something new to battle and figure out, I wonder how long I can stay strong enough to get there. Every minute of the day there is a choice to be made. I am going against what I know and have lived in the past. We all live our lives based off of what we know, what we are surrounded with. The focus of what I want my life to be like and making the changes is very challenging.
Last week I was on a high, I did really good and excited about the weight loss. I had abounding energy! I thought once again, I have this figured out. I had ran the furthest I have ever run in about 20+ years and continued with that momentum and pushed even further (well not further), but this last week on 2 occasions I ran the 12 minute lap twice in a workout! Booya for me, I felt so alive that I could do that! I like this accomplished strong feeling! I now know with that little bit of running accomplished  I have no limits as to what I can do. I have never felt like that before. (well maybe when I was a teenager I did, but that was ages and ages ago) This last week I even did a workout my trainer taught me earlier this year. It involved a zillion squats and stair raises. I did an arms/back workout with my resistant band as well and it felt great. My inner thighs kill and I am having a hard time walking and I could hardly lift my arms over my head for the next couple days. Putting on a shirt about did me in, but I love that feeling! It means I did something beyond myself. I did not go easy on myself!  I also did a half hour session of Yoga with Bob from BL...LOL on my Wii...it about did me in! The first few minutes I was like well I wonder what I can do after this, because this is lame. Well, I realized that a Yoga workout is anything but lame...I almost gave up, because I was hurting so badly. I didn't, but wow! I really need to strengthen my core!
Anyway, with all this working out and accelerating what I am doing I thought I would have different results. I am changing up what I am doing! I thought I would see a minimum 2 lbs drop off, but no. I don't know why it didn't drop. Makes me wonder if I will ever get to where I am going. It is a dual! A battle of the mind for me. I am going through the motions, now if my brain would not make such a big deal of everything, at least the negatives. I like what my brain does with the positives.
I have fought my weaknesses each and every day and I will win. I can do this! I can continue to be strong at least for this next week. One week at a time, right? One pound at a time. I can get there if I am taking more steps forward than I am backwards. I will advance the battle lines and conquer this. I am stronger than what I believe I am. Today the dual ends on a positive.
I have been wanting to go try running on the High School track. Being I was running in place for 12 minutes at a time, I thought...I am ready to hit the outdoors and measure this! I wanted to run at least for 12 minutes and see if it was a mile and if not how long will it take me to run a mile? I had my daughter go with me and I was very nervous. Running in place with my Wii, I have visuals and encouragement along the way to know I can complete it. A track is kinda boring, but I wanted to know the distance in time that I was doing at home. It was a beautiful warmer day, only one other person at the track, so no distractions or worries. We set out running, well if you actually saw me it was more like a jog but hey I am moving forward! I made it one full lap before I had to stop, so a quarter mile. That was only 3 minutes not twelve. I figured that running in place for twelve minutes based off of this track running time, I am running the distance of a mile with my Wii! The difference of running in place in the family room and outside on pavement was a bit different to say the least. First there was a slight wind and I was wheezing after the quarter mile. Then the impact of my weight on the pavement made me hurt a little more...my hips and ankles were taking a beating. I am sure it is because of what I weigh and I am still sore from all the squats I did the other day.  After the first lap was completed I did not want to give up so I walked for a lap and then ran in spurts, once the curve of the track and then three times on the straight aways. So in combination, I ran a half mile and walked a half mile. Not bad for the first time out, I will accept this run. Hello track, nice to meet you! Hello mile, lets dance! I will get there and after today, I am ready to hit the track some more! I want to run! I want to watch myself excel past today's new adventure!
I can get there by doing the dance 4 steps forward 1 step backward if that is the way it will be. I figure that I am making more forward steps than backwards steps so it is possible to get there!  I wish my dance was a different one, but either way, I will get to twirl in the end.

Listening to Myself

Why is it that we as humans are really good at giving advice to others, but can't seem to notice the log in our own eye and take our own advice? I have learned many healthy bits over the years and the changes I have applied this week are facts that I already knew and have actually recently shared to others who were seeking advice or encouragement, yet it took some serious frustration to see that I am not applying it to myself.
Last week after I posted my blog, Biggest Loser was on that evening. For the first time since watching BL I was ticked off instead of motivated. It was their first weigh in of the season and they have been on the ranch for a full week which always makes for huge weight loss, because they have had such a drastic change in their diet and exercise. As I watched them weigh in, the least weight loss was 12 lbs and the largest was 41 lbs...in a freakin' week! Here I am struggling to lose 2 lbs a week and in the overall time I have been trying to concentrate on this not even a total of 41 lbs which this guy lost in a week! Damn! I was so ticked off! I sat and glared at the TV, my arms crossed in front of me, wiping away tears of pure madness, mad as hell that I was struggling and not seeing very good results on my journey. Mad I was not chosen to be on the show (which I have never felt until that moment) I stayed mad through the night and felt depressed the next day, so I started reading some of my health magazines and books glancing for any clues as to what I need to change for success.
One that popped out was actually one I have told contestants on BL (talking to the TV) ...LOL my oh my..there it is right in front of me and in so many exercise articles... "change up what you are doing"! The reason I have talked to the TV on biggest loser is when they weigh in and have either gained a pound or barley lost 1lb and they have worked their butts off all week,  I know enough about this to say" girl you are doing the same exercise routine day in and day out change it up, your body is now used to this regimen". I think I did not realize this in myself,  because I have had some great improvements that I did not think of it in terms of it being the same thing over and over again. I have been doing balance things for a warm up for 20-30 minutes before I venture into cardio and the training plus segments on my Wii. Then I alternate cardio in between other exercises. Same routine for the last month. Take my own advice and change it up!
Another thing I learned with which I already knew; to lose a pound, you must burn 3,500 calories. I also know about starvation dieting trying to take in less calories and I have been doing that out of desperation lately. You see if you eat less than 1,200 calories a day you sabotage the results. I was not eating enough through the day and end out with the munchies at 9:30 -10pm and make a bunch of popcorn  to munch out on, double sabotage. Cardio is weight loss extra credit! It allows you to burn extra calories without actually over training which can happen with resistance training.  As Jullian Michaels says: Do the math! If you are eating 1,500 calories a day and assume your BMR is about 1,600 and you do 2 cardio workouts a day ( morning & night) the two sessions burning 500 calories each along with your daily activities will speed up your metabolism to at least 2,000. As a result, you will have burned about 1,500 calories that day and that is almost half a pound. At that rate you will be losing up to 3.5 pounds a week. Thank you Jillian for the  reminder on the math and not starving oneself to skimp on the calorie intake! I knew this at one point and have shared recently to someone else not to starve themselves cause it messes up your metabolism..Take my own advice and eat! don't starve yourself!
 Another healthy piece of advice which I have heard over and over from my trainers to magazine articles, from my own flippin mouth, " Don't weigh yourself, but once a week!" I have gotten so obsessive about weighing myself and would tell myself to stop it, but not listen to myself or all the advice being poured out to me. I think that weighing myself everyday created stressful frustrating confusion in my head and body. To many head games happening that it was sabotaging my efforts. Take the advice and weigh myself once a week!
I have recently also signed up for an online 8 week email thing called Experience Life Action Challenge where they send you an email on Mondays with simple steps to make healthy changes throughout the week. So I will have some more tips on hand when I need to make other changes in the future and yes, I will be applying them now too.
This week I made some changes listening to what I already knew and needed to apply. I even ran the lap around the Island on Wii  which is the longest run I have done so far. It was a challenge for sure. I had to encourage myself thru the whole run to not give up, letting myself know I was half way done, that I could do it. Telling myself how good it will feel to accomplish another step and completing something that has been hard to do. When I got done...I was beaming, smiling and it felt wonderful. It was a 12 minute run, double what I have done so far. I am now wondering how long it would take me to run a mile, because I feel like I might be there or close. I need to hit up a track and measure it. Booya to me!
So now the question is; did the changes help? Did I have a successful week? Did I lose weight?
It is funny how much seeing a number on the scale can bring tears or confidence, this week it is confidence! I was in total shock stepping on that Wii seeing the BMI # lower than I have ever seen it! My mouth dropped open when I saw my weight, I sat down and shed a happy tear, I lost 4.4 lbs.
 I am cheering and joyous, because the one thing I can measure changed for the good, I listened to myself and applied what I have learned. I am moving forward, running a new lap and feeling great about my accomplishments.